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Needed to get this off my chest.

(15 Posts)
bradsmummy Thu 05-May-05 20:57:21

My step daughter used to be a lovelly little girl but now at 15yrs she is definately not the little angel anymore. She came to live with us a year and a half ago, DH and I was over the moon about it. She was doing well and really happy till she got into the wrong crowd, her attitude is really bad, she has no respect for her father and I and I personally am upset to see how she is treating her father, he was really upset last week that he wouldn't even talk to her, I sat them both down to try to resolve things, which has worked.

She basically argues her point to the bitter end, refuses to tidy her room and do any chores set when she wants extra money, demands money. I have just had a do with her as she is expecting me to cook two meals a day for her , for when she wants them, we have a set meal time and she goes out with her mates and then accuses me of not making her meals, she will not come in for them, she always talks to us with a bad tone in her voice and takes everything for granted.
Last week i took her out shopping to treat her as I have just bought ds (3yrs) some cclothes for starting nursery, I bought her a nice pair of jeans, a pair of branded trainers and also a designer top and some earrings to match the outfit,spent alot on her. I did not get any form of appreciation, not even a thankyou.
She tends to make me feel unliked as for example if shes going out and both dh and I are sat in the room she will say "goodbye dad", or ask her dad a question she knows he doesn't know but that I do, but doesn't ask me, Yet she says she thinks of us more like sisters.
I am probbably blowing all this out of proportion and reading it back looks like typical teenage stuff, but it is really bad, worse than how i have put it into words on here as i'm not very good at explaining things. She is having a effect on my ds, he has started to shout back at us amd get really angry with us over the slightest thing as he has seen her do it towards us.
She is due to goto counselling over her emotions, but I feel really awful and have said to dh that if this does not work I may be asking if she can go back to her mums if things don't get any better, I feel uncomfortable in my own house, I find at times that i find things to do in rooms that she isn't in. Yet I love her to bits and treat her as if she my own, when shes good shes very very good, when shes bad shes very very bad.
Just wanted to get things off my chest.

SadSam Fri 06-May-05 08:08:45

Hi Bradsmummy. I just had to say sorry to hear that things are upsetting for you and DP at the moment. Unfortunatley a lot of it does sound like general teenage problems. I have a SS who is 16 and we have been through a lot of the same attitude and rudeness as you have aswell as lying, laziness etc. You don't say whether the BM is still on the scene or not. Does SD still have contact with her mum? The problem we have now is that our BM is turning all 3 skids against me and DP including the 16 year old and that is a lot of the reason for his behaviour. Our BM is very money orientated and tells skids that we can afford anything they want (totally not true, we are struggling with CSA payments, mortgage etc.). We are expected to do everything for them, cook for them, wash and iron their clothes when they stay, buy them new toys and clothes etc. The 16 year old now very rarely keeps in touch and when he does its because he wants something. When he has stayed with us he spends all night watching TV and all day in bed, he goes through our personal stuff (snooping on request of BM) etc.

Obviously its a bit different for you if SD lives with you as my skids live with their mum, so it is easy for them to be corrupted! Not sure if Ive been much help, but keep posting on this site, it really does help, you will find people very supportive and caring on here. Sam x

bradsmummy Fri 06-May-05 13:36:12

thanks for your reply sam ( i'm a sam too), sorry to hear about your difficulties too,we are still trying to get back on our feet cos of csa payment from when she lived at her mums we ended up having to remortgage and now just making ends meet too.
sd only has contact with her mum via the internet even though bm only lives approx 3miles way, here and there they bump into each other but thats about it, bm never rings to see how hospital appts, school exams etc have gone, we always leave it a few days then ring to let her know as its only right she knows.
I'm afraid i was not really good at explaining things before and made things appear like usual teenage stuff, i was in a state as i had earlier had to leave the room away from her till i was calm again sfter a disagreement, and had left me very upset as i feeel unliked, unwanted, unappreciated, taken for granted etc.
can't explain much at mo as my ds(3cyrs) has started to get abit hyper and is tormenting the dogs. lol

valleygirl Fri 06-May-05 16:40:34

can i ask why it is that your dsd moved in with you at the age of 13? She may not have much contact with her BM but that doesn't mean that somewhere deep down she is really troubled by this, and maybe that's why she's behaving in a particularly offensive way towards you? What do you think? Teenagers are horrible at the best of times! I dread the day my step sons turn 13/14 and stop talking and start grunting! i do think girls make worse teens on the whole, and if anything like my teensage years, 15-16 is a difficult age when one is no longer a child but a VERY long way from being a grown-up woman.
if it's got that bad then i think councelling (for all the family maybe?) is a great idea is she is a willing participant.

jampots Fri 06-May-05 17:12:55

I think its typical teenage behaviour bradsmummy. I know its easy for me to say but I also wouldnt take it personally when she talks directly to her dad as she maybe doesnt get much time with just him and her together and she may resent having to share him. As Valleygirl has said she isnt a child anymore but such a long way from being a grown up and I guess she just doesnt know where she's at.

On another note though can I just ask SM's if you think you should get more appreciation from a step child than your own child and if so why? I dont mean this to be an inflammatory remark but I notice a few have said about "no thank yous for washing up/cooking meals etc". Do your own children say thank you every time you wash?

squirrel3 Fri 06-May-05 19:58:27

Jampots, my children always say thank you for meals etc. I certainly don't expect more appreciation from Skids, I expect the same from them as I do my own.

Sometimes I can cook a meal for the Skids and if they say thank you (which is very rare) they say thank you to their Dad not me!

Socci Fri 06-May-05 20:05:43

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squirrel3 Fri 06-May-05 20:33:17

Socci, I have not made my children say thank you for meals, they just do I guess they are just polite.

Socci Fri 06-May-05 20:35:23

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Socci Fri 06-May-05 20:36:08

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bradsmummy Fri 06-May-05 22:58:34

I feel alot better now, sorry I just needed to have a rant while I was feeling down better doing it on here i feel iyswim, feel abit silly to tell you the truth
sd move to us because she does not get along with bm and they had a really big fall out and it was suggested that she came to stop with us for a while, she then told bm that she wanted to live with us and bm has resented her for it, at first bm did not want to know sd at all but with persuation from her dh and my dh they managed to get her to come round for sd's sake,dh and I have constantly given her support and made sure things are not bothering her regarding bm and i feel they obviously are, sd now thinks she is suffering from depression and is on waiting list to see a psychotherapist.
sd does get quality time with her dad, they do activities together like going fishing and running (shes a keen cross country runner).

I would also add that I don't expect thanks you from children for their meal but I would like a thankyou when I go out of my way to take them shopping for clothes etc especially when they have been asking for certain items.

Anyway dh has had a talk with her as he thinks it has gone too far and she agreed with everything that was said and said she will make a bigger effort.

SD and I normally get on really really well and have always felt I was lucky with things.

So I am back to my old sammy self again and will stick around on here if you all don't mind as its a good usefull board.

Sam xx

Surfermum Fri 06-May-05 23:10:03

Hi Bradsmummy and welcome. This is a great site and you'll find that you're not alone in having problems with being a step-mum.

I really feel for your dsd. If her mum didn't keep in contact with her when she first came to stay with you she must be feeling so rejected. Poor thing. And it sounds like she's taking it out on you, which isn't fair but in a way could be a compliment as maybe she feels safe enough to do so with you.

squirrel3 Sat 07-May-05 05:50:29

The meals thing was just a for-instance, not specifically meals, although my kids do say thank you for that, come to think of it when DP cooks for me I say thank you and visa versa, I guess we are just polite. The point I was trying to make was Step mums very rarely get any appreciation for anything they do (like shopping for clothes ect) and if they do say thank you (for anything) its usually "thank you Dad" not "thank you squirrel".

Sorry Bradsmummy, I didn’t welcome you (my head is all over the place ATM, got a lot on my plate). I am glad you are feeling better, having a rant does help.

It does sound a lot like your DSD has depression, my daughter had it as a teenager and she was a nightmare. I understand what you mean when you say it sounds like normal teenage behaviour, because a lot of what my daughter was doing sounded like normal behaviour but when you witnessed it, it was quite obviously more than that, it was the way she did things rather than what she did. Does that make sense to you? A counsellor sounds like a really good idea, I hope that she gets the help she needs. Your DSD must feel terribly rejected by her BM, I know my own mother will not have anything to do with me and yes, it bloody hurts! Although to be honest I think I’m much better off without her, but that doesn’t stop it hurting. I couldn’t imagine not wanting anything to do with my daughter no matter what she had done!

Your DSD is very lucky to have you, hang on in there.

bradsmummy Sat 07-May-05 13:12:30

Thank you for the welcomes

dsd was referred to the hospital from her GP for depression she saw somebody who i believe to be a social worker and now has been referred to a psychotherapist, I feel the root of her depression is BM, she has been picked on by another lad, and also this year we have found she is fully deaf in one ear when she thought it was partial loss of hearing in that ear she does say these things are not bothering her besides the bullying which has been resolved but does have a lasting effect (I was bullied myself and now have trouble making friends as i am so paranoid), but I think all these things are obviously bothering her and shes bottling things up.
Squirrel you have hit the nail on the head, yes it does make sense - it is the way she does things.

Distel Sat 07-May-05 13:32:17

Hi Bradsmummy [smile, I am a stepmum and I find it extremely difficult to understand my stapchildren even though they are not that much older than me (I am 24, they are 14 &16)

I suppose what I get irritated most about is the lack of respect for their father from either the children or their mother (e.g - they don't bother to send him a birthday card) It is little things like that, that really get to me - they are quick enough to come and see him when they want to, but if for some reason we can't see them then all hell breaks loose, we don't hear from them for weeks as most of the time they don't bother to phone if they aren't coming. I know alot of it sounds trivial, but I get cross as it upsets my DH, it's also quite embarrasing when my M & FIL ask about them and we can't answer. So many of my friends say that if they met somebody who had children they would run a mile - especially as I was only 17 when I met him, I can see why they would say this, suppose I just thought DH was worth the bother

This has been really muddled as I havn't been well - bit difficult to get my thoughts togeter, but I am happy to have a step children moan with you whenever you need to x x x

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