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BM Blues

(25 Posts)
LooptheLoop Wed 04-May-05 22:47:16

Just curious, but I was wondering how many of your problems with being a stepmum relate to BM rather than the skids themselves?

I was aprehensive about taking on skids and put a lot of thought into it before committing. But they are a walk in the park compared to their mum. I never predicted that and just wondered what were your experiences?

squirrel3 Thu 05-May-05 03:06:34

BM informed DP when we picked up Skids yesterday evening that we are having them until Tuesday morning, it was suposed to be overnight, then the weekend and back to her Sunday evening!

LooptheLoop Thu 05-May-05 11:24:05

Humm that sounds fair... I'm sure she asked nicely though!

ninah Thu 05-May-05 11:31:46

I have them at the moment - what do you think? dss has had foot problems for ages and dp has been nagging bm to sort it out .. I know, he could do it equally .. anyway she has finally booked him in to a specialist but get this, has booked ds in as well! she thinks there is somethign wrong iwth his walk, apparently. I am fuming, but dp seems to think it's OK

otto Thu 05-May-05 14:13:39

That's extraordinary ninah. Surely it has nothing to do with her how your ds walks?

And Squirrel, don't even get me started on changing the arrangements. It's fine for BM to do it whenever she pleases, but you wouldn't believe the fuss if we try to do it.

Incidently, do any of your step children have a say in how much time they spend with each parent. The reason I ask is because my 10-year old sd seems really miserable when she comes to stay with us. I don't know why - could be for any number of reasons and may have nothing to do with us at all. But I asked her to talk to her mum about the arrangements for staying with us if she wasn't happy about it and wanted to change it. BM told dp that it was a horrible thing for me to say to her! Don't know why she thought it was horrible.

squirrel3 Thu 05-May-05 14:45:48

Oh No!!!

I've just realised, BM might have booked a holiday for herself using DP's credit card details!!! (DP in a moment of complete madness gave her his credit card details, see nutty step mum thread)

It is so annoying that she can change the arrangements to suit her, when we have the Skids during the week DP has to have an hour and 1/2 off work in the morning to take them to school and two hours off to pick them up because they live so far away. Fortunately he is self employed so he can do this but unfortunately because he is self employed he only gets paid for the hours he works and he has already has to have bank holiday Mon and Tues off this week (not to mention money for school lunches, which he already gives BM money for, but we will be expected to pay for them this week) so next week we are going to really struggle.

But I bet BM will still be there holding out her hand for what will be most of DP's wages!!!

littlerach Thu 05-May-05 14:55:21

Otto, my sd has recently decided she doesn't want to visit us as much because she has other things to do, she is 12 and rides all the time, so begrudges coming to stay. Unfortunately DH finds this hard, he misses her and does all he can to accomodate her. So this weekend they were supposed to be staying, but now DH is picking them up from motoraway services (they are at Badminton for the day) at 5pm, bringing them back here (hrs drive) they will stay the night then he has tro take them back at 9am the next day, as sd wants to be at the stables for 11am. Hardly seems worth it but he does it to keep her happy and to keep in touch.
Ss is a bit younger and more interested in visiting, unless there's something on Sky he wants to watch (we don't have Sky). But I am sure he will reach the age where he makes up his own mind.
I feel for DH as he wants them to be happy, but wants them to visit us. And DD1 gets upset if they call the day before and say they aren't coming. TBH, it is up to them if they come or not, we don't want to make them, but it is also up to BM as she enjoys her time away from them.
Oh, isn't it hard trying to please evryone?!!

otto Thu 05-May-05 15:06:14

My sd is going through a lot of physical changes at the moment which may be affecting her emotional state. It's also really cramped in our home when she is around. She's used to having the run of a much bigger house and being able to do exactly as she wants. Also BM changed the arrangemets twice this weekend, so maybe she was feeling rejected by her mum and that's why she was so glum. She lives fairly close by, so it won't be much of a problem if she just wants to come over for the day. I don't envy those of you with step-kids who live far away. From my own experience it always seems to be the dads that do the driving around.

littlerach Thu 05-May-05 15:16:15

Yep, they live about 2 hrs away, BM moved, not us. DH generally goes and gets them, brings them back here, they stay over and journet is repeated next day. Every 3rd time, BM drops them off here, if she isn't too tired(?!). And DH also visits them and takes them out every month, for the day, so he drives down, takes them out, then comes back here that night. It is also a standing joke that when BM drops them off, she is usually 2 hrs late. Once we had a phonecall half an hr after they were due to get here to sat they were just about to leave....

squirrel3 Thu 05-May-05 15:24:52

BM has NEVER done the dropping off/picking up, even when we had skids for the weekend and she wanted them to go to a party with her one evening, we had to get them ready, take them to the party then pick them up later. Surely if she wanted them there it should have been her resonsibility to do the driving not DP.

otto Thu 05-May-05 15:34:36

This is obviously a common problem. It does make me mad, particularly as bm doesn't work and dp and I both do and have a baby to look after as well.

ninah Fri 06-May-05 10:14:29

same here
bm does not work atm but will never drop off or pick up unless she happens to be coming our way. we see dss most weekends but we never know for sure til Thurs/Fri as it has to fit in with her plans
I think part of the foot doctor stuff was to try and make out what a responsible person she is - ha bloody ha

ninah Fri 06-May-05 10:15:11

I am not normally put out by it as I love dss lots and am easy going but I'm preg atm and stuff GETS to me!!

Surfermum Fri 06-May-05 14:02:42

Oh yes, this all sounds familiar.

Squirrel - we've had to take dsd to a party on one of her weekends with us, hang around (but not at the party) with a 7 month old baby then go back and get her. BM was totally shocked at the thought of dropping her off herself and refused.

She can change the arrangements at the drop of a hat, but if we want to change them we're being unreasonable. We even got accused of arranging dd's christening deliberately on a weekend when dsd wasn't with us so we could "get one over" on her mother. I ask you - yes of course we did and the vicar was in on it too!!

LooptheLoop Fri 06-May-05 19:10:58

At least I'm not alone!! Hugs to you all.

BM turned up today shouting and f**ing at DH, screaming abuse about how sh*t he is and how much she hates him. I could hear her from inside the house. All because she is in massive debt (to give you an idea, she spent quarter of a million in the two years after the divorce, partly by mortgaging her house which she owned outright as part of the settlement). She's now broke and can't see why we won't help her. My attitude - you had the party, you can have the hangover.

But the worse bit - all this yelling was in front of the youngest boy who was sitting in her car in tears! Aghhh, if you're coming round to have a go at least leave your sons out of it. She may be a footballer's wife - but can't she at least be a mum???? I give up......

squirrel3 Sat 07-May-05 06:12:24

The meals thing was just a for-instance, not specifically meals, although my kids do say thank you for that, come to think of it when DP cooks for me I say thank you and visa versa, I guess we are just polite.

The point I was trying to make was Step mums very rarely get any appreciation for anything they do (like shopping for clothes ect) and if they do say thank you (for anything) its usually "thank you Dad" not thank you squirrel.

Sorry Bradsmummy, I didn’t welcome you (my head is all over the place ATM, got a lot on my plate). I am glad you are feeling better, having a rant does help.

It does sound a lot like your DSD has depression, my daughter had it as a teenager and she was a nightmare. I understand what you mean when you say it sounds like normal teenage behaviour, because a lot of what my daughter was doing sounded like normal behaviour but when you witnessed it, it was quite obviously more than that, it was the way she did things rather than what she did. Does that make sense to you? A counsellor sounds like a really good idea, I hope that she gets the help she needs. Your DSD must feel terribly rejected by her BM, I know my own mother will not have anything to do with me and yes, it bloody hurts! Although to be honest I think I’m much better off without her, but that doesn’t stop it hurting. I couldn’t imagine not wanting anything to do with my daughter no matter what she had done!

Your DSD is very lucky to have you, hang on in there.

The meals thing was just a for-instance, not specifically meals, although my kids do say thank you for that, come to think of it when DP cooks for me I say thank you and visa versa, I guess we are just polite.

The point I was trying to make was Step mums very rarely get any appreciation for anything they do (like shopping for clothes ect) and if they do say thank you (for anything) its usually "thank you Dad" not thank you squirrel.

Sorry Bradsmummy, I didn’t welcome you (my head is all over the place ATM, got a lot on my plate). I am glad you are feeling better, having a rant does help.

It does sound a lot like your DSD has depression, my daughter had it as a teenager and she was a nightmare. I understand what you mean when you say it sounds like normal teenage behaviour, because a lot of what my daughter was doing sounded like normal behaviour but when you witnessed it, it was quite obviously more than that, it was the way she did things rather than what she did. Does that make sense to you? A counsellor sounds like a really good idea, I hope that she gets the help she needs. Your DSD must feel terribly rejected by her BM, I know my own mother will not have anything to do with me and yes, it bloody hurts! Although to be honest I think I’m much better off without her, but that doesn’t stop it hurting. I couldn’t imagine not wanting anything to do with my daughter no matter what she had done!

Your DSD is very lucky to have you, hang on in there.

Looptheloop, Blimey, why on earth does she expect you to help her out?!? Your right it’s her mess, she needs to sort it out!

Its always the kids that suffer isn't it, feel so sorry for the youngest, why would you want to act like that in front of your kids, unbelievable (well no, its not actually but YKWIM)

I'm also angry with BM at the mo, SD(9) revealed that she looks after her little brother (18mths, by her current DP) while BM sleeps during the day, I know she works nights but a 9yr old is not capable of looking after a 18mth old for several hours alone! If BM can't get a babysitter she should not work nights IMO! SD changes his dirty nappies, feeds him ect, what if the child chokes? 18mth olds are always falling over and hurting themselves, they need an adult to look after them not a 9yr old child. Also it’s a lot of responsibility for a 9yr old, BM gets angry if SD can't keep the baby amused and quiet so that she can sleep.
GRRRRR, rant rant rant!

squirrel3 Sat 07-May-05 06:15:02

OMG!!!!!

Sorry, posted the first bit of message in the wrong thread!!!

The second part is for you Looptheloop.

Oh dear, think I'm losing it!

squirrel3 Sat 07-May-05 06:17:17

Now if we had a spell checker I wouldn't have to cut and paste from word would I.

LooptheLoop Mon 09-May-05 16:17:26

Thanks Squirrel. Thought I was seeing double for a moment (and we did have a bit of a late night last night!!)

Blimey why have a baby if not prepared to look after it? A 9 year old is far too young IMHO and you're right - its unfair on the 9 year old. What a childhood? I hope she doesn't leave them in the house alone together?

squirrel3 Mon 09-May-05 16:25:13

I don't think that she leaves them in the house alone but SD was in tears when she was telling me about her mum shouting at her because she couldn't keep the baby quiet, its really sad. I couldn't say to much to SD apart from "oh poor you, I bet she didn't mean it, she was probably just tired", then there were more tears when SD explained she tried to say sorry and give her mum a cuddle and acidently (sp?) trod on BM's toe and got shouted at, pushed away and told to go away for that too. Poor kid.

squirrel3 Mon 09-May-05 16:30:38

P.s why the late night?

squirrel3 Mon 09-May-05 16:31:26

Blimey, I'm nosey aren't I?

LooptheLoop Mon 09-May-05 19:30:24

Hiya - just dinner with my parents. They're both retired and happy to stay up all night! Just wish I had their stamina!

Poor your SD. Your answer sounded great - I just hope you didn't grind your teeth too hard as you didn't dish BM! Blimey who said you had to be a diplomate to be a SM!

squirrel3 Mon 09-May-05 19:38:52

When the Skids are having a moan about BM I feel I have to be very careful what I say, if I said what I really thought it would only hurt the kids and get back to BM which would cause soooooo much trouble so I land up defending her so that they won't feel bad and inside I'm just GRRRRR! GRRRR! GRRRRRR!

LooptheLoop Mon 09-May-05 21:41:25

And we wonder why we're going slightly mad - pulling off a double act like that!

I swear I'm going to bit my tongue off one day!

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