Hi, I?m new to all of this, so appologies! I've probably put this in completely the wrong place! A little background ? both myself and my DP, who I have been with for a year, have been married previously and are both going through divorce. DP has 2 children, aged 11 and 6. I have a wonderful relationship with them both and love them both to bits. We have the children on a Wednesday overnight, Friday after school and Sunday day and overnight. TBH I have everything I have ever wanted and dreamt of in my DP.
You?ve probably read this and thought why is she writing on this then?! But the thing is I?m finding the whole step mum thing really, really hard. There are a few problems which together we overcome, but it?s mainly the fact that my DP has to speak to and see his ex all the time. I?m not a very confident person anyway, I think all sorts of silly things ? I know they?re silly but I just can?t get rid of them and I just get in such a state that it makes me so ill. I feel really emotional and sometimes feel like I can?t continue my day, or need to run away. I have been to see my GP, who has offered my anxiety help, but that doesn?t start until September. I don?t really have anyone else that I can talk to - my Mum worries about everything anyway and I don?t want to worry her further. None of my friends are in the same situation, nor do they have children of their own and therefore can?t really understand and my DP just thinks that what I feel is silly and there?s no need and he gets angry at me. The truth is?.he?s right, I know he is, but I just don?t know how to get it through to my stupid mind!!
I myself have always wanted children, but wasn?t with the right partner until now and my DP has obviously already had 2 children with someone else. I?d really like children with my DP at some point, but at the same time I?d fear it too. He?s been there before, knows more about it and I don?t want him to think it less special than before. I think I?m really jealous of my DP?s ex TBH. They?ve had two wonderful children together, I feel she?s prettier than me and she does seem really nice too ? which is awful, if I could really dislike her, I think it would be easier!!! I can?t think about the children being babies and listening to stories about the past makes me feel as though a knife has been plunged into me. I try to explain to my DP, but he doesn?t understand ? but on the other hand he gets really gutted if he knows that I?ve done something or been somewhere with my ex. I try to say that the children are a constant reminder of his past that they also talk about past things all the time, but still he doesn?t understand. I really wish I didn?t feel like this, because I seriously am getting in a mess and I hate it, I absolutely hate it ? I just don?t know what to do. I feel like I?m a freak feeling such things and I feel like I?m losing it big time.
The thing is?on the odd time I think rationally ? I?m fine, can cope and just think that my DP is with ME for a reason and that he?s not with his ex for a reason. But then when I can?t make those feelings, fears etc go away ? it?s hell!!!
I feel pathetic writing this as I myself read what I have typed and think ? DON?T BE SO STUPID- so goodness knows what you gals think - but I just don?t know how to get it in to my thick head to stop all these things that are making me ill. I feel I need to apologise for even putting you through reading this, as there are so many people with ?real? problems.
Sorry, once again for this!
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My silly head...
22 replies
Muscadet · 29/04/2005 11:36
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