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I could just scream and throw in the towel.

(29 Posts)
squirrel3 Tue 19-Apr-05 12:40:03

I am having a really tough time in my personal life (see thread feeling really sad and alone in the relationships section) and BM has just kicked off again!!

Its SS's birthday Sunday and we were supposed to be having them this weekend. DP of course is happy about having SS on his birthday and we have planned the day so that he will have a really great day.

Now DP is a builder and the firm have got to do some up-to-date police checks and they needed to know when DP had left the marital (or to be more accurate thrown out of the marital home so that she could move the 'paper-boy' in) so DP, (having a memory like a sieve) phoned the ex today to ask her if she could remember the date. I was in the room so I can honestly say he tried to ask as sensitively as he could. They have been split-up for 6 years now so it shouldn't really be a sore subject, but she went completely off the deep end and started calling him all the names under the sun, then she started accusing him of sleeping with me whilst they were still together and generally going mad!!! I didn't even meet DP until they had been separated for two years, so I don’t know how we were supposed to be sleeping with each other!!!!!!!

Anyway she has now decided that the Skids will not be spending the weekend with us and she is asking for more money for the Skids up-keep. DP provides very well for his kids, but she insists that they wear designer clothes all of the time (even to play in the park or to kick a football around), whilst we are struggling to manage financially at the moment because I am re-training and I'm only bringing in a small wage.

My life is in bits at the moment and I could do without all of this, feel like walking away and just letting them get on with it!!!!!!

LooptheLoop Tue 19-Apr-05 19:01:22

Squirrel

Our BMs are related I swear! Is there some special place they go to train in this stuff?

BM slept around during her marriage and she was the one who divorced DH and admitted that she had 3 boyfriends on the go at the time. I met him post divorce but she is adamant that there was something going on between us earlier. I think rewriting history helps BMs who feel guilty about breaking up the family that it's alright, it's all someone else's fault!

Similarly she spends money like it's going out of fashion. And then moans she's broke and wants more! Just because she wants the designer lifestyle and loads of 5 star holidays etc and refuses to live in the real world or get a job.

Aghhhh! Loads of hugs and empathy to you. So sorry that you're having a tough time personally - and yes, they always seem to know the worse time to kick up. Vent away honey!

compo Tue 19-Apr-05 19:03:36

<BM not in acronoym list what is it?!>

squirrel3 Tue 19-Apr-05 19:05:33

Birth Mothers

compo Tue 19-Apr-05 19:07:54

thanks honey. So sorry you're going through this. Do you think after she has calmed down she might change her mind about the weekend?

squirrel3 Tue 19-Apr-05 19:10:11

Your guess is as good as mine, you can never tell, she is sooooo unreasonable!

I hope she changes her mind for DP's and SS's sake.

squirrel3 Tue 19-Apr-05 19:14:30

Although I do secretly (for my sake, with everything else thats going on) I hope she doesn't.

Blimey, that sounds really selfish.

LooptheLoop Tue 19-Apr-05 21:14:29

Not selfish, just honest. Hope it works out for you however you want. You're not superhuman (well unless that wonderwoman headband thing works for you , so don't be so hard on yourself. xxx

squirrel3 Wed 20-Apr-05 02:38:35

Thank you Looptheloop.

SadSam Wed 20-Apr-05 08:24:08

Hi Squirrel, so sorry to hear about BMs latest antics. I can totally relate as you know how my BM acts?

You are not being selfish, when we drove 200 miles to see skids a couple of weeks ago only to be told that she had "changed her mind and we couldnt have them now", althought I was totally pissed off about it (petrol etc) I was secretly relieved. So I guess that makes me just as selfish

I know how you must be feeling, as everything has come to a head with us after last weekend with the skids. DP is being a total arse and wont accept that he does not handle the kids very well. They are rude, crude, whingy, and sometimes mildly violent and he wont do anything about it. I tried to get him to watch Supernanny last night but he wasnt having any of it and it turned into a full scale row. He wont agree with anything I say and says that his kids are not naughty they are just "kids"! Well Im sorry, but if I had put my middle finger up at my Nan when I was 8 or called my nan a big fat cow then I would have got a very short sharp slap across the arse, and rightly so! I also dont think there is anything wrong in saying that when their nan buys them a pair of trainers / clothes etc. that they should say "thank you"! It is common courtesy afterall, and I found myself saying "say thank you to nanny" because DP wouldnt. Then I get told to stop interfering! I have now told DP that I have had enough and if he wont let me have a say in how the skids behave then I dont want anything more to do with them. I have tried so damn hard for 3 years and have loved those kids as though they were my own, and what for? absolutely nothing!!!! No respect, no love, no affection, no kindness, no politeness, no courtesy!!!

So as far as I am concerned, as of today, they are no longer anything to do with me! Squirrel, you and I and others like us have got to start thinking about ourselves and whats best for us. Dp's messed up situation is making my life so miserable and at 34, unmarried and childless, I think I deserve a bit better than that!

Nelli29 Wed 20-Apr-05 09:58:54

Hi everyone - just wanted to add that sometimes I feel just the same. We have had occasions when bm has changed the arrangements at the last minute and I too have felt secretly relieved.

I'm sorry to hear that sadsam and squirrel are both having a tough time at the moment. I can totally relate to your feelings as you know from my previous threads. Just wanted to say my thoughts are with you and sending lots of hugs your way!
I agree with what you are saying sadsam, we have got to start thinking of ourselves, being a stepmum is the most demanding and selfless role as we all know, sometimes I feel like I'm invisable and the only thing that seems to matter is keeping sd/dp and even bm happy, before my happiness comes into consideration!!!

Things are quiet in our situation at the moment since bm went barmy 3 weeks ago, I felt very assertive last weekend when we had sd so when I dropped her home (on my own) bm husband was waiting for me and bm was buried in the kitchen because she didn't want to face me, feeling like I had the upper hand I asked to speak to her , went into the house and ended up having a conversation with them both (bm husband is really nice - apart from he obviously has no brain cause he said I do) , I managed to get over a few points in a polite and calm way although I let her get away with loads of thing I didn't agree with. I walked away feeling good though, back in control, and the husband thanked me for being open and honest. Ha ha - now everyone thinks I'm so nice that she can't possible be nasty for a while!!!
Big hugs to everyone xxxxxx

reflection Wed 20-Apr-05 16:25:51

Feeling mad again These BM's are so wrong.

Squirrel I really wish I could help. But what I do want to say is that you are not being selfish for the way that you feel. Quite the opposite. If you didn't care or try your hardest then you wouldn't feel so drained. I have to say that when my dh changed arrangements from every weekend to every other weekend I had very mixed emotions. Sad that BM's behaviour had got her what she wanted but also very relieved as it gave me a break from the stress. I do not feel guilty for this anymore but I used to. Now I know that if anything SM's like us who do care have the hardest time of all. We have no rights or loyalties, yet we are expected accept all for the sake of the children. this then means that we can be very easily manipulated from both sides.

The only way that I stay sane is to believe that what goes around comes around and that natural justice comes to those that hurt others on purpose for their own gain.

Sam we done for putting your foot down. DP needs a wake up call you are not there to be treated like that.

Nellie you amaze me I could never do anything like that....I can not stand talking to BM as she just lies.

Surfermum Wed 20-Apr-05 20:02:47

Oh Squirrel you are having a tough time right now aren't you. The last thing you need is trouble from BM. Why on earth does she have to be so unpleasant? It's so wearing isn't it? And to change the arrangements like that is totally unreasonable. How would she like it if the skids lived with their father and it was him saying whether she could see them or not. Not one bit, I bet. And of course the poor skids caught up in the middle. They don't need it.

LooptheLoop Wed 20-Apr-05 22:16:24

That sums it up. Why do some parents assume kids are possessions. They are theirs and the other party has to earn a treat to see them? How unfair on the poor kids. Surely they have a right to a relationship with both parents however pissed off one parent is with the other. Please note the politically correct gender freeness! A rare moment of BM restraint on my behalf !

Nellie - thanks for the awesome example! Just wish I could follow you - but I'm a wimp!

Samsad - 200 miles for nothing - I'd be Mount Helena! But I agree, probably a secretly relieved one. Hope you had a good lie in the next day

SadSam Thu 21-Apr-05 21:45:15

Hi all. Thank you Nellie, Reflection and Loop the Loop for your comments. I dont think that psycho BMs can help it, they always think the grass is greener on the other side.

Loop, you are absolutely right. What makes them use their own children as possessions and bargaining tools. I dont believe that a real loving mum could do that. Afterall the problems are always between the parents, its never the childrens fault, they are just innocent pawns in their messed up game.

I was bloody furious about being messed about and the 200 mile journey for nothing. However, although secretly relieved, I also felt very sad and angry for DP as he was gutted that his children didnt want to see him. If it hurts DP then it hurts me. It is such a spiteful thing to do and is doing god knows what psychological damage to the children.

LooptheLoop Sat 23-Apr-05 16:26:20

Just to add - lucky for him that he has such a loving and supportive partner.

squirrel3 Sun 24-Apr-05 19:26:11

Can you believe it she (the dreaded BM) let DP have the Skids after all this weekend, and surprisingly a lovely time was had by all!! (even me!!!)

I'm sure it would still be very difficult if I hadn't found Mumsnet and you guys. It makes such a difference to be able to have a rant if I need to, ask advice if I need it and have a good laugh in the Nutty Stepmums Club.

Also my Grandfather is making small improvements so I can breathe a little easier.

I've been very moved by your support and kind wishes over the past week or so, thank you so much. {hug}

Surfermum Sun 24-Apr-05 19:51:08

You are more than welcome Squirrel. So glad you got to see him after all and had a good day.

SadSam Sun 24-Apr-05 20:37:00

Im glad you had a good weekend aferall Squirrel, I was thinking of you. You are right it is great the support and kindness on this website, its overwhelming. x

squirrel3 Mon 25-Apr-05 10:51:29

Grrrrrrr!!!!!

DP's mobile was bombarded with abusive txts last night from BM (mostly directed at me) it seems I've upset her again! Oh well, never mind, it really doesn't take much to do that!!

SD(9) has got a new school bag with the playgirl logo on it, I've got to admit I don't think its appropriate for a 9 yr old, but maybe its fashionable at the mo, but when I saw it I was a bit surprised and said "oh you've got a playgirl bag" I honestly didn't say anymore than that, I really didn't mean to express the surprise I felt but SD must have picked up on it and said something to her mother.

I've been told its up to her what she buys for her daughter and I should keep my F*ing opinions to myself, and SD didn't realise that it was a 'playgirl' logo and now BM had to explain to her what it was!! How on earth was I meant to know that SD didn't know it was a playgirl logo? I didn't explain what a playgirl was!!!

Grrrrr!! I don't even know why I'm wasting my time typing this; it’s so petty and stupid!!!!!

LooptheLoop Mon 25-Apr-05 12:21:51

Grow up BM! . Why buy her the bag if you're not happy explaining the logo yourself - durhhhhh.

Know how you feel Squirrel. Its funny how such petty things can be such a wind up - I suspect because they represent all the background tensions and resentments. Only thing I'd add is we had some similar spats with BM a while ago. Whilst she was saying some stupid things, part of the problem was the kids misquoting or things getting distorted by chinese whispers. Turned out she was getting upset by things we had supposedly said (but we hadn't) and we were getting upset by things she supposedly had said (which she said she hadn't). Reason for mentioning it is I wonder how SD had relayed your comments back (however innocently meant) - eg Squirrel hated the bag you bought me. Just a thought. Eitherway, it doesn't excuse BM's abusive texts. If she's got a problem why not ring calmly and express her concerns like an adult, not a stroppy teenager!

valleygirl Mon 25-Apr-05 12:26:11

i agree - totally inappropriate for a 9 year old to be walkign around with Palygirl symbol. What kind of signal is that sending out about her? BM is lashing out because she probabaly realises it's morally unacceptable for a little girl to be paradign round with a symbol which is connected to pornography. it's like the litle girls i see around who wear trousers with the word "sexy" written across the arse. they're 7/8/9 years old for God's sakes. call me old fashioned but i think that's vile.

squirrel3 Mon 25-Apr-05 14:05:27

Looptheloop, ring calmly???!!! sorry, but the BM doesn't do calm!!!! lol

But maybe your right about the way SD could have relayed it, I'm sure that DP will tactfully find out though.

Its such a shame because SD actually gave me a hug and told me that she really liked me this weekend!! (a 1st) ...

I'm worried all of this may set the relationship back several paces.

My DD has informed me that the playgirl logo is 'in' at the mo, but she wouldn't let her daughter wear it and I still think its inappropriate, I'm with you Valleygirl, I wouldn't want my daughter walking around with a symbol connected with pornography, maybe I'm just old fashioned too.

LooptheLoop Mon 25-Apr-05 16:26:43

Hope I didn't make you choke at the thought of BM ringing calmly!!! . Well you can fantasise hey!

I'm sure it won't put your relationship with SD back in any real sense. I find the whole stepmum thing two steps forward, one back anyway (or one step forward and 2 steps back on a bad day!). And I'm with you and Valleygirl - I hate the way some young girls dress. Why give out sexy signals when you're 7 or 8?

Surfermum Mon 25-Apr-05 17:48:27

Squirrel - whatever we do will be wrong, so don't let it worry you. I was told during the x's last tirade at me to stop trying, I would never do anything right in her eyes! I think Loopy's right though, you won't know what your dsd said, how she said it and how the x has chosen to interpret it.

That's great if she has said she likes you. I worry like you when the x goes off on one about something that it will affect my relationship with dsd. The most recent incident was over mother's day. We think, but obviously don't know, that dsd told her mum that she was made to buy me a present and card. She wasn't, she asked of her own accord, and there's no way dh would have made her, but we suspect she told her mum that she was made to so she wouldn't get into trouble. She also told her that she hadn't been allowed to send her mum a text. Again, there is no way we would ever stop her if she wanted to contact her mum while she was with us, and as we said to the x, if she had asked we wouldn't have messed around with a text, we would have got her to ring.

Anyway, we put the x straight about exactly what happened and put it to her that dsd might just be saying to her what she wanted to hear. I was worried that dsd would feel in the middle of both of us, and in trouble for telling lies, so the next time I saw her I mentioned it and just said "all I'm going to say is that if sometimes you have to tell little fibs to your mum so that she doesn't get upset that's fine, and I don't want you to worry that you'll be in trouble with me, I understand.

My heart breaks for her as she doesn't need to be put in this position, but there is absolutely nothing we can do while her mum thinks it's Ok to discuss everything that goes on with her.

Chin up squirrel - you're not alone!

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