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What involvement should you/do you have with your stepwife?

(10 Posts)
sifuentes Wed 04-Mar-09 18:00:19

I am new to this board though currently loitering on the conception board a lot following a recent MMC.
Currently without children of my own but with 4 scs. They are aged 6-12 and live with their mum. I have been with DP for about 3 years and we have the kids to stay fairly often and we all go on holiday together. My whole family loves seeing them every time they come too. DP also sees them down south very regularly. I totally adore them and they seem to have grown very fond of me too. In fact it all seems to have worked out incredibly well so far. I enjoy the whole extended blended family vibe.

The only thing is that apart from one occasion, very near the beginning when i was sort of summoned to meet her, I have zero contact with the kids' mum. Is this weird? Should we be making an effort? I can understand why she finds it easier to pretend I don't exist, however I hate the thought, for example at family weddings (way down the line but still) that there will be extreme awkwardness,
and also i can't help but think that the children would like it if all was cool between us?

Should I just leave her be, chill the feck out and enjoy the fact that everything else is cool?

marmon Wed 04-Mar-09 18:21:52

In my opinion keep it this way, the worst thing i did was try to have a relationship with my dhs ex and it all went tits up. Keep your distance from her and by all means enjoy the children but remain slightly detached to protect yourself. Hope i havent scared you!

duomonstermum Wed 04-Mar-09 18:26:29

enjoy the peace!!! the DCs are still young and you have all the joy of the teenage years to look forward to. she knows that you're there and i'd assume she'd have kept up contact if she wanted to. so envy at your situation. you don't want to take my DHs horrorlovely XW do you? will happily swap gringrin

seriously, if your DP and his X are happy with the situation let it ride. there will be plenty of difficult situations to deal with, esp when you have children with DP. it tends to change the dynamics and you might find that her nose will be out of joint iyswim, so i'd just keep things chilled.

btw, fingers crossed for you.

ps. not all XWs are ass horrible as DHs....

2rebecca Wed 04-Mar-09 18:32:26

I think its usually best if the parent discusses stuff about the children with their ex and the new partners step back. I'm polite on the phone but that's about it.
There's no reason for me to have a relationship with her, the only reason my husband does is because of the kids. If she was just his exgirlfriend you wouldn't have a relationship with her so why should you just because they had kids together?

duomonstermum Wed 04-Mar-09 18:33:44

as even....

2pt4kids Wed 04-Mar-09 18:37:23

I have a step mum and her and my Mum have only ever met twice - one of those times was at my wedding lol
They made a real effort and got on great then, but have no interest in seeing each other otherwise.
Its fine.

mrsjammi Wed 04-Mar-09 19:58:38

Message withdrawn

Surfermum Wed 04-Mar-09 20:00:39

I'm sure the children would love it if things were cool between you all. I know my dsd does.

Her mum used to really hate me, thought I was nothing to do with dsd and I was referred to as "fat tart" ROFL grin. You'd have though I had been the "other woman" but I wasn't.

But I kept my distance and did my best not to piss her off and eventually she warmed towards me. Took about 8 years though!

Now if I'm with dh when he collects dsd we go in for a cuppa, and when we dropped her off after last year's holiday we ended up having fish and chip supper there, and on dsd birthday we all went out for pizza.

I do think it's much better for dsd. You could tell at her birthday that she loved having all her family from both her mum's and her dad's around her. It's helped too when she has played either of us up because her mum can phone us and we can support her and vice versa. Dsd can no longer play us off against each other, and it's helped both her mum and us to know that if she is behaving badly then it's just her, rather than something here that's upsetting her or something at her mum's.

Things came to a bit of a head a year or so ago when dsd arrived for a visit with ALL her things in a suitcase - announcing that she was going to live with us. Because her mum felt so comfortable with us by that time we were all able to sit down and talk it through with dsd and sort things out. Her mum actually insisted that I was there.

It's helped as well because if dh is ill, too tired to drive (he drives a lot for his job and dsd lives some distance away) I can go and get dsd instead of him. Or in the school holidays when I am off work I go to get her during the day. There was a time when dsd's mum would have refused to let me do that, but now she doesn't mind it's helpful.

I do feel that if you can get on then it is helpful and good for the children. You are, after all, another significant adult in their lives. I think a relationship of some sort is probably something to be worked towards, but unless she is willing to make the effort too then there's probably not much you can do.

mrsjammi Wed 04-Mar-09 20:03:59

Message withdrawn

sifuentes Thu 05-Mar-09 09:28:35

Thank you everyone so much for responding.

I think it would be great if we could all get on but I agree that it will only annoy her if I try to force it though. The thing is though, since she lives outside london, there is no actual need for us to see each other so it could go on like this forever. I think DP will keep suggesting we all meet up from time to time and then just hope that one day she says yes.

I am grateful for the fact that she doesn't bitch about me to the kids. I think the older two have sometimes registered the odd curl of the lip but nothing more and it was good of her to let them all come on holiday with DP and I and all my family. It must have felt quite weird for her.

I also agree that I am lucky that things are all so calm at the moment. I won't take that for granted.

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