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I confess i hate being a stepmother

(158 Posts)
marmon Wed 21-Jan-09 13:04:11

Its been 4 years and my god they have been tough, my dh has a control freak ex wife who by the way left him for another man and a trouble making step son. I could go on for hours but do not want to bore you but i just had to let off steam and say that being a stepmum is harder than looking after my kids.

We only ever argue about the ex and the boy and to be honest i am exhausted and drained from it all. Does anyone else ever feel like this? Please dont judge me for moaning its just tough sometimes.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 21-Jun-17 10:34:47

I'm well thank you @Bananasinpyjamas4 Same old! DSC are happy and well, and their Mum is very preoccupied with her new man, so keeping herself to herself. Can't complain. I hope you're well too and that things have settled down for you x

Bananasinpyjamas4 Fri 16-Jun-17 17:41:46

That is so nice thank you so much Anne I hope you are doing OK? I hope so... :-)

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 16-Jun-17 10:32:44

@Bananasinpyjamas4 Hello! I think of you often and wonder how you're doing smile You've given me so much good advice and kindness, it was has been appreciated.

Bananasinpyjamas4 Fri 16-Jun-17 00:40:19

I don't know stepping!

Fiona1984 Wed 14-Jun-17 09:08:29

I have no children myself and find it hard sometimes with DP's 9y/o child. He's a lovely kid, but I find it difficult if he's being rude (mainly towards his dad) I know he's young and kids push boundaries as part of learning. His dad seems to tolerate rudeness much better than me, it doesn't seem to bother him. I know as a parent it is different and you can ignore things like this because you have more of a connection.

SteppingOnToes Mon 12-Jun-17 21:03:06

Just stumbled across this zombie thread and wow how things have changed on the forum. People used to be really nice and supportive of each other - what happened?

Sharn321 Mon 12-Jun-17 14:42:08

Hi I'm 25 years old I have no children my boyfriend has 3 children 9,7,4 . We've been together for 3 years and it's been tough and nice at the same time after reading through this I think the best thing to do is detach your self from the problems with my bf and he's ex but how can you detach your self after you see how much it effects your bf and your life .

littlepint90 Mon 29-Jun-15 13:35:06

I just have to reply. I too would feel compromised if my step children's mom came into my home. You propose to find out why PP hates her so much. Well I know why I do - perhaps it was one of the times she told my husband she wishes him dead in a variety of descriptive ways, or perhaps the time she said she hopes my child gets no Christnas presents, or perhaps when she kidnapped her kids from the yard when it was our scheduled visitation, or even how my SD wishes she weren't born to her. Oh I don't think it's very difficult to wonder why I truly hate a psychopath and would feel uneasy and tainted by her prescence!!!!

pirate22 Tue 30-Jul-13 02:47:59

Hello, dont know if this thread is still active but im desperate for some input. I am engaged to a man who has a 5 yr old daughter with another woman and we recently had a son together. The mother was awful for the first year and since then have really been struggling with some ugly emotions. The daughter is spoiled and rude but we get on fine for the most part. I still just cant shake feelings of regret, resentment and anger even after seeking therapy. The mother has now taken to lying about schedules and events in order to keep us out of the picture when she can but will bend over backwards to get my fiance alone since she knows im limited with an infant ( like finding out the gym he goes to and showing up when she knows hes there, inviting herself to events on his days w their daughter, signing her up for activities on nights i work etc etc)'.i used to fully support their relationship for their child but time and again she has proven vindictive and deceitful. My fiance is very supportive of my feelings, and discipline of his daughter when bratty, i just dont know if i can do this. I love him, and want my son to have his dad but it feels like poisen in my veins. I never knew i was capable of these feelings and cant imagine living like this for therest of my life. Do i stay and hope it gets better or leave now before it gets worse...i feel so guilty,powerless and distraught.

racmun Tue 23-Jul-13 19:38:10

I hate it too.
After dh's ex partner assaulted me at our house, for which she got cautioned for assault occasioning actual bodily harm over a missing school jumper, she's pulled access again and we don't see my ss at the moment.
The weekends are stress free we haven't argued and house isn't trashed by him every other weekend.

It's not my ss fault he's so rude etc he gets that from him deranged mother but for now I am loving the peace!

LJL69 Tue 23-Jul-13 11:51:11

Bloody Hell. Definitely start a new thread as there are many people on here who know their stuff and will help you through to getting the help you need. I really feel for you - you sound lovely and trying hard to do your best for ALL children here. I have no advice but really didnt want to read and run x

shinymonkey Tue 16-Jul-13 17:47:38

thanks smile

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 16-Jul-13 16:35:23

Shiny, you'd be better to start a new thread of your own; just copy & paste what you've already posted. You're in the right forum, though. smile

shinymonkey Tue 16-Jul-13 16:30:50

Thanks Carolra I've always read things on here, but never posted so not sure how things work smile

Carolra Tue 16-Jul-13 13:46:15

I'm bumping this for you shinymonkey, it was late last night when you posted it so I guess many of the wise people will have missed it.

Carolra Mon 15-Jul-13 23:22:23

Jesus shinymonkey, I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all of this. I'm not a step mum so I really can't begin to fathom how awful it must be for you. I hope you and your dh and your lo's all get through this together.

shinymonkey Mon 15-Jul-13 23:07:00

oops, that's quite long. sorry!

shinymonkey Mon 15-Jul-13 22:58:14

Hmm, this is an old thread so I hope someone reads this and has a word to share. I am wrestling with my emotions this evening, guilt, fear, anger, confusion and love. I love my DSS, in the unique, and conflicting way only a stepmother can. Reading through all the posts on here, I realise I am not alone in my feelings or the very difficult experiences of our family life since ' I knew what I was getting into' several years ago! It is difficult to pick over the past, looking for mistakes you have made and punishing yourself with no opportunity to change things. Let me try and be brief, and describe my situation. Simply put, I believe my DH ex is a sociopath, hell bent on living in state of hatred of me and my husband. After custody battles and bitter divorce 7y ago (after 8y separation prior to that), verbal abuse, character assassination, lies &etc I have reached the end of a long complicated road, and I feel saddened by the conclusion.

Until recently DSS lived permanantly and full time with us. He spoke to his BM daily, and she visited maybe twice a year for about 2 days. As a mother I cannot understand her absence, though know she does it to spite us saying she won't babysit her own child so that DH and I can have a break. My DSS, as he reached his mid teens has become increasingly negative towards me and DH, manipulation, passive aggressive behaviours, staring and ignoring, lying, pushing and shoving DH and me, stealing from school, and substance abuse, running away, false calls to emergency services etc. I have even witnessed him throw himself against a window and shout that DH should get off him, whilst stood 4ft away. I have tried so, so hard to find a balance between respecting the distance he wanted (to maintain respect for his relationship with his mum and not try to replace her) and provide a refuge of love and stability for him within a safe and structured family which includes rules and self discipline. (We have 2 other DS).

Around the time of the birth of baba2 regular and predictable arguments about school work and socialising escalated to a daily event, until DH found substances in his room. (we both understood this as attention seeking and were understanding as any new baby unsettles the mix) When he was confronted he just said he was sick of DH, and made tired threats to leave home. We just felt, here we go again, so we called his bluff and said OK, and put him on a train to stay with his BM (she would only agree to a week). Leaving him to cool down, would help the situation we thought, maybe the baby is upsetting him and he just needs his mum (nothing like a mum hug whoever she is, she's a mum first). He refused our calls, and then S.Services called up, accusing my DH of abuse. They came to assess us and our other children 2 wks old!!!! and 2ys. Now, I don't want to sound defensive, but I will. We are good people, professional, well educated and not prone to outbursts of anger, let alone violence. The ins and outs of it are emotionally traumatic and unnecessary to describe. He won't speak to us or come home, his dad feels he can't live with him in case more accusations are made to add fuel to a patchwork of lies made by DSS and his mother over the last decade. So, he's living up the road with his friends (because she won't have him!!!!) parented(???) by a group who have been snared hook, line and sinker into the deception his BM and he have presented. His friends are aggressive towards DH in his car, and I daren't take my LO's out in the area in case we see them. There are 2 sides to everything, but these people didn't once try and find out for themselves, they just sucked it up.

I feel guilty that I never managed to connect with DSS in the way that he needed to prevent this. I am worried about him because he has tried to connect with his mum, but now doesn't have either of them... I feel guilty for all the times I thought bad things, for detaching when things got tough, for not standing up to BM and just letting the rudeness and lies slide. You muddle through as a step-parent and find a balance between what you can emotionally withstand and what the child needs, usually tipped towards the child, because they have so little control and you are the adult. DH and I predicted some of his issues with his mum etc would be worked out in his teens so were preparing for trouble, but this is so much worse than we could have imagined. I love him, but can't think about him and what he's done without feeling ill. I feel so betrayed but forgive him as he's a child, also feel at 16 he's old enough to take responsibility for his actions and how they affect other people. I don't know where to go from here, in life I always try to find a way for everyone to be happy, and this often means apologising for my mistakes, but I don't really know I want to apologise for having beautiful babies because I don't regret them and had hoped they would help him feel grounded in a love other than his parent's?? I'm not sure they're even the cause? I guess I want to unpick it all and find where the fault lies and fix it. It's probably not possible is it? Where now?

JessFoz Sun 18-Mar-12 15:12:33

I have needed this today. DSS just leftafter a weekend visit full of guilt and respentment. DH spnds too much money (money we don't have) lavashing guilt gifts on the boy and never disaplining him at all. DSS is a good boy, kind and polite, but his mum is lazy and does nothing with him. Age 7 he is playing 15 rated compute games, he does not brush his teeth, they are rotten from fizzy drinks. he cannot use a knife and fork and will eat most things with his fingers. Heeats junk at home and has been pulled a side at school for beign overweight. I try to help with a healthy diet but end up feeling mean.He cannot tie his shoes lases. We potty trained him, we taught him to dreess himself, wip his bum etc. But as he gets older and she does not put the care in there is little point us doing it. DSS lives in a different part of the country so we only see him once ever 3 weeks. Our DS adores him (13months), and visa versa and I want this to work but I don't know where I stand. I am in the role of mum now but feel unable to mother DSS. There are no problems in the relationshops between parents as DSS was the product of a drunk one night stand, not a loving relationship. I do resent her, but I try to be nice, eg today helped DSS pick out a Mother's Day present and paid for it with my money. I did it for DSS. DH would never rock the boat as he is too scared of losing his boy. I am trying, but it is so hard. I have no real feelings for DSS. His visits, our family holidays, are always pebbledashed with rows.

Perhaps his upbringing is none of my business? I'd love some advice.

STRUGGLING1 Fri 13-Jan-12 16:06:33

Hi new to this site, and I really really need it! Must admit I feel a bit better reading so many of you that say things get easier with time, but it's been over 2 years, and it's not got any easier yet sad

zakka72 Fri 23-Dec-11 23:52:40

ps I find that I have turned into a very nasty person as I tend to retaliate rather than let the bad behaviour and comments wash over me. Don't let it eat you up....

zakka72 Fri 23-Dec-11 23:50:35

Shakenvac26 - I would be very interested to know how you are getting on especially now its Christmas - a very stressful time. Have you tried speaking to the exes (I know it is difficult). You may find that you are not the only one who is getting treated badly? I have discovered that the kids in my situation also treat their mother nastily which is sort of a comfort but makes me feel that no one is disciplining them. I'm allowed to contribute financially and spend my time doing their meals/washing/ironing but strangly not allowed to discipline. I am told that I 'overact' to their behaviour and that 'generally they are good kids'. When a child tells you 'get out of their space' or that you have 'lank, greasy, colourless hair' I think that being upset is not exactly an over reaction. I feel exactly like you. I am also a ticking time bomb and I also don't feel like I'm cut out for it. It is such a relief to see that some one feels exactly like I do. If you feel strong it may be worth leaving and finding a family that really appreciates you. That's what I always hope to do but have been in this situation for such a long time I don't think I'm brave enough to leave! Good luck.

sammyjole Wed 19-Oct-11 15:02:54

I agree totally I had no idea what being a sm meant and I wish I hadn't got involved....dh isn't even all that and I stil deal with all this crap. I also fantasize about sc not existing and feel jealous of my friends and siblings who have straight forward relationships and dont have to share the money/time priority with others! I know I'm making myself miserable but I was pretty clueless going into this.....

fourkids Fri 07-Oct-11 18:06:12


The fact that you've dug up a fairly old thread implies that you have perhaps been searching for something supportive/useful before decidng to post. I am going to come back and reply to you in a little while. I have to do a few things first unfortunately, but didn't want you to think no-one had read this...or worse, had read it and couldn't be bothered to reply.

That said, you may be better staring a new thread in the meantime, because I only scanned to the end of this out of interest - many people may not do the same because the thread is so long and old.

If you start a new post, perhaps people could give you better advice if you explain why you think the child hates you, and why you and DP argue about the child's mother? This isn't nosiness - it's just hard to affer objectve views without a fuller story. But the basic answer to your question is probably 'yes, someone will know how you are feeling.'

Beth3 Fri 07-Oct-11 01:51:14

Hello im 19 Years old i have been with my Boyfriend for 2 years and we are engaged to get married. sad But there is one problem his 4 year old son Clearly hates me and i find it so hard. i dont know what to do i am at the end of my teather i try so hard to make things work and all we ever argue about is My step son or his mother i can never do anything right.. its so hard does Anyone know how im feeling... thank you

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