DSD(16) is pregnant......

[duomonstermum]

it's been a while since i was here but i had to have a rant. DSD told us yesterday that she's pregnant. that in itself was hard to take but more shocking was that there's a need for multiple paternity tests...

i don't know whether to hug her or wring her neck! XW is in her element. she'll now have a built in babysitter (DSD's words) and DSD just where she wants her. DH is sooo disappointed cos she was supposed to be joining the army in june (her choice). she had started a hairdressing nvq and is talking about leaving cos she'd be "too affronted" to go to class while pregnant. i sooo want to tell her tough

the thing is there had been rumours going round for a few weeks and each time we put it to her she deinied it. we didn't confront her, just said have you heard these rumours, and each time she insisted it wasn't true. so when DH's friend told him that she had heard this from one of the other mums he defended her to the hilt and did the same when XW asked if he had heard what was going round. so when XW called him in from work he was shocked to say the least. it's not as if we didn't have an inkling she was having sex but we had taken her to the docs several times because she had problems with the implant and she was put on the pill. i knew she had stopped taking the 1st set cos it caused bad side effects but we believed XW when she told us she had taken her back and gotten a different prescription.

one of my friends daughters had been in the same situation at the begining of the year and DSD was really mean about her and saying that she'd never be so stupid etc. then she goes and gets into this mess.... we even spoke to her about taking better precautions because nothing is 100%. the best thing is that 1 of the potentials sneered that he might have 3-4 that he knows nothing about while another says he wants nothing to do with the situation. such fantastic choices the thing that hurts is that we feel like we've dropped the ball cos we're now finding out things that XW had been keeping from us. apparently DSD has been sexually active since she was 14 and XW knew and would let them sleep over at her house under the guise of babysitting cos that was the only time that DH would agree to give up a weekend with DSD. he thought it was a good chance for her to earn some pocket money.

Xw says that this way she knew what they were getting up to and DSD was her best friend... YOU'RE HER MOTHER NOT HER FRIEND!!!! we even thought that we were getting somewhere with XW cos there had been no fighting since we agreed that the girls could stay here, grannys or mums so long as the adults could double check that they were where they said they would be. now we find out that she was out til all hours and staying at different boys houses and XW KNEW!

DSD2(13) has now refused to go to her mums cos she won't have a room there. she was already feeling excluded there but now she has said she is moving into her grannys so that XW can't start a fight about where she's staying. not that she would notice that the child hasn't been there for the last 3wks.... i don't know what to think. she's using her maternal granny and DH's brothers death as the reason that she bed hopped but that has really turned DH against her. as he told her yesterday, it's bad enough knowing that your daughter is having sex without having half the town tell you that she's the town bike. harsh i know and i did pull him up about it but i do understand the sentiment.... there have been so many lies and it feels like we've been taken for mugs for wanting to believe in her. we're not stupid, we know she's not always truthful, but it's the level of deception that has shocked us. DH says that he feels like he did when he found out that everybody else knew about XW having affairs before he did. i don't know if he would cope better if he had been one of the first few to know but being told by someone else and knowing that everybody else knew has devastated him. it's been a shitty year and this is the cherry on top....

i'm really worried about him. he's been really depressed since his brother died and turning 40 next year was causing him to reassess his life. we've been having arguments cos he feels like he's not needed and we'd be better off without him. he has gone to see his gp and will be getting help but this has knocked him for 6. he was crying yesterday saying how stupid it was that he was upset about being a grandad at 40. our DD is only turning 2 in a few weeks. i can't think straight.....

[Kristingle]

i don't have any advice but just wanted to say sorry ...it sounds like a complicated situation to say the least

[duomonstermum]

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[duomonstermum]

she says she's keeping it. tbh i really don't know how i kept it together yesterday. the saving grace is that XW didn't tell me what she told DH (about being friends with DSD) i might have taken her head off. i don't know if her relationship with her dad will ever recover. she's always been daddy's girl and he's always gone to bat for her, even if he had doubts. she's just been so sly abou everything that it's made me rethink every conversation i've had with her

[duomonstermum]

thanks NDTH. i was thinking along those lines anyway, it's just hard to say anything yet cos i just want to shake her. i know DH will come around, he does love kids, i just wish that this was happening later. on an entirely selfish note, i'm not ready to be a granny at 31 i hope that it goes well and whoever the dad is, i'm sure she'll do a great job.

i suppose she thinks that it will be hard but i don't think she realises how hard. one of her friends had a baby in may but her mum looks after the child so she's pretty much living the same life as before. that's def not going to happen at ours. we've tried to teach them that there are consequences and as such we will support her but we won't start to raise more kids.

[duomonstermum]

she flits between the three houses but she mostly stays here. i think things are easier at her mums cos she doesn't feel like she has to speak to her dad. we'll see how things go but she knows she'll always be welcome here. thanks for saying that. it's nice that other people think i'm doing an ok job

[Lmccrean]

The first post seems to suggest you are more angry with the XW than with your DSD! You do seem lovely tho.

Im from the school of tough love (tough but fair!) Being a mum is a huge responsibility so she cant be treated like a child anymore. (tho not saying hugs and advice arent needed)

In my opinion, be straight with her - help her work out how much money she will need for baby stuff (initial outlay and ongoing costs) and rent and bills, if she is going to get a place of her own. She will need to get a job now, unless she does a reasonably well paid placement as part of the NVQ.

BTW I got pregnant at 17 and I turned out ok, if I do say so myself! People now pay me to look after their kids...

[duomonstermum]

in a way i am cos she was knew what was going on and she went behind our backs by letting it happen in her house. i just wish she would have provided protection if she was going to let them share a bed at her house and she was well aware of what they were doing.

[duomonstermum]

great we now have a beligerent teen who thinks she has all the answers and an XW who just won't quit

DSD went to the doctor today and had all the tests done and chat with the doctor about her options and the timescale she has to make them. she went home to her mums and they have now come up with;

1. DSD has child and XW will have it during the day while she attends classes. XW will work night shifts and DSD works weekends. call me dumb but that's heavy going even for me. we have a similar setup cos i'm doing nursing at uni which means full time hours both when in class and on placement. we have a child minder 5 days a week and manage weekends with very careful planning.
2. XW will move her DD3 in with her and her H so that DSD will have her room and DSD2 can keep hers. i can see DSD2 losing her room. DSD1 and XW DD3 have always shared a room cos the age gap is big enough that they don't annoy each other. DSD2 is still adamant that she won't go home and is all for moving into her grannys so that XW can't fight with DH.
3. DSD seems to think that the father will have no rights what-so-ever. no matter what we think of them we have pointed out that the child will need to know their father and there is no guarantee that the boy might change his mind and want to be involved.
4. because we're in NI she'd have to go private for a terminaton and XW is arguing that it would be too expensive, she some how came up with £3000. now i know that is not the cost at all from my experience with my friends daughter but XW knows best....

i hope it all works out, i really do. but the situation is so messy that i can't see a happy outcome in the long term for either DSD or the child. DH has challenged her to cope with our DD for a weekend without any help. he says that if she manages then while he might not be happy he'd try his best to be ok. i have reache the point where i can't think clearly. i know i should be thinking about DSD and DH but all i can focus on is that i have a 37.5hr week to work, revise for 2 exams that start on the 5th and 13th (during which i will still be working on placement), have copious amounts of paperwork to do, finish xmas shopping ( i haven't sent a single card yet and most of my family live abroad ), get DS and DD organised, sort childcare for the week my childminder is on new years break..... i feel so selfish for thinking about what i have to do but i just can't spare anymore time and emotion. god i sound like such a bitch...

[moopymoo]

not a bitch at all, just someone whose plate is already completely full up. It does sound like it will be mainly dsd and xw who will make the decisions between them. unfortunate, but probably the case. All you and dh can do is be there for her in the future. ime these sort of major crises resolve themselves to some sort of new normality given time.

[NorthernLurkerwithastarontop]

You don't sound like a bitch - you sound like a mother who is having to do all the mothering because this lasses mother is totally loop the loop!

Ok - However ill-equipped she is to make the choice, the choice is your step-daughters to make and hers alone. You can't make it for her, you can't carry the burden and you certainly can't fix this situation and go back to who you all were.

The only thing you have to do is let her know you will be there for her whatever she needs - but she has to understand that doesn't mean you will raise her child, nor that you will spend hours negotiating for her on where she should live, nor that you and dh will put your lives on hold whilst she faffs around deciding whats what. But that you love her, you care what happens and that will continue whether she has the baby or not.

She's an adult now so she has to play in the adult world. I hope you can take a step back and see what way she can find through this. You and your dh sound fab. XW on the otherhand needs some serious help - but thats not your job. Your job is just to support your adult stepdaughter, to mother your own dd and to love and cherish your husband. Your degree is an important part of that job - don't let it get lost as you try to fix that which can't be fixed.

[duomonstermum]

we've said as much to her but it's hard to know how much has sunk in ifswim.

[NorthernLurkerwithastarontop]

I don't think you're ever going to know how much has gone in tbh - you've done everything you could do - now it's up to her. I really hope this all works out though.

[nomoreamover]

duomonstermum - firstly - well done you for handling such a nightmare situation without knowkcing XWs block off - not sure I could have been so civilised

2 - I would have thought Private termination would be more like £500-800....thats what it is in ENgland but whether its different in NI I'm not sure.

3 - The living arrangements they have proposed sound HIDIOUS. However the danger with getting too involved in that scenario is you could end up with mum and baby in your house and you being expected to put your nursing craeer on hold to care for DSD and baby. And BTW - I think you are entitled to that career so don't let that happen! I do agree that this could be the making of DSD - but it seems very much this will only be the case if XW isn't allowed to run off with some crazy idea about how DSD should handle things. She will do very well herself if she is given the chance to. I think she could do with some independant living space - is that possible? Even if its on benefits - she ought to be in her own flat or similar otherwise she'll never be able to step up to the plate of mumhood

Re the father - he has responsibilities - and should be expected to contribute something to the child - its too easy for teenage boys to sleep around and expect the girls to live with the consequences. SOmeone needs to have a stern word at the very least with his parents - assuming you can work out who the dad actually is - that is

I can only imagine the nightmare you are experiencing - however I wanted to just offer some support and back slapping for the ace job you've obviously been doing so far with things. Best thing you can do is offer hugs and love to DH and DSD and bite firmly on your tongue when XW is in the conversation.....

Best of luck to you

[duomonstermum]

nomore, i now have bitten my tongue off lol DSD is not speaking to me at the moment, mainly because i let her know that i had no intentions of putting my life on hold again. i turned down a good prospect when i met her dad and knew that for him his kids came before anything else. if i wanted to be a part of his life i had to accept that. now that they are more independant and getting on with their lives it's time we did too.

she thinks that her dad going to uni in sept is "stupid, cos like, he wouldn't manage" and we should be GRATEFUL that she is not having a termination

suffice to say i did point out a few home truths and she hasn't spoken to me since. however her GPs agree that the way she spoke to us was not acceptable and she has been told that they are not happy with her coming to them until she has appologised. time to start turnig blue methinks. i hear it snows in hell sometimes

XW has been trying to get me to "see things from DSD's pov" but as i have told the both of them, if DSD wants to make adult decisions, as she did when she didn't use precautions, then she'll just have to suck it up like an adult. huffy tantrums are in the realm of a kid and she has decided she's no longer one so i will not be treating her as such.

DH has spoken with her regarding her using him as a taxi service. i do believe the conv went along the lines of when you have resposibilites you have to sort things out yourself and as such there will be no more taxi service to work because you slept in. he will take her if she asks in advance and is ready to be collected. he feels horrid for it cos the drive over was their thing but he feels that she should be ready for the day when daddy coming to dig her out of any old hole comes to an end. we will probably have to dig her out of many a hole but the minor ones she's just going to have to learn to deal with!

[nomoreamover]

Good for you! She will do best IMHO by being thrown in at the deep end...doesn't mean you and DH can't keep an eye out on her and step in if she looks like she's having a melt down......

[duomonstermum]

soooo DSD had her 1st scan on thursday........and never bothered to let us know we only found out because my brother noticed it on her bebo page

we've been reduced to finding scraps of info vvia 3rd parties despite us trying to keep lines of communication open. she won't answer txts but tells everyone we're not speaking to her. i give up. my relationship with DH is under so much strain that he's talked about leaving several times i'm so tired of it all that i feel that i will let him go if he says he wants to leave again. i can't deal with all that's going on. he's going to his GP on wed to see if he can get help with his depression and we're going to rome the following week for our 10th wedding aniversary but tbh it looks like make or break time. i'm just going to concentrate on DS and DD and try to keep myself sane. i wish someone would take me away from here.....

[littlerach]

I have no real advice, but htink you have done what you can.

Maybe look forward to Rome, and ocncentrate on you and dh then.

And keep the texting/emailing dsd so that she knows you are still thinking about her.

[JJsandcat]

Have been lurking as no real advice. You sound so tired and sad. I think it's best if you just ignore her and care for your own dc and don't mention your SD unless your DH brings it up and even then only nodding and so on. Don't get involved but try to get your energy levels up and focus on yourself and beautiful Rome. You don't want that brat spoiling your special time together.

She is a brat now, she may well come out the other side in a few months/years and realize how much you all care for her. She's only a teenager...in the grips of a maelstrom of change: body, hormones, puberty, etc. Maybe a bit of distance will allow all of you to calm down and relax. Esp. your H who must be shocked and feeling helpless, too.

[prettyfly1]

Oh dear - dont have very much useful advise but as a former nightmare teen i wanted to reassure you that she will come round. It isnt you or your dhs fault so please dont take it out on one another. Breathe, let her get it out of her system, send the occasional text but no begging and not constantly, just to let her know you both care and are then when she is ready to calm down and leave it there. good luck!!