Question for Valentine5.....

[Nelli29]

Just read one of your postings and you sound in a very simular situation as me (been together 2 years, 6yrs old from previous), just wondered how you felt about it all?

[valentine5]

hi nelli29,i know what you you mean when i read your posts i thought we had a lot in common.to be honest i feel different every day,one day il feel positive and try and think how much my partner loves me and i could do a lot worse,but then other days ifeel so low and wonder whether i can cope anymore,sometimes i just feel like leaving but i just love him to much.its like you have found the man of your dreams but theres just one thing standing in your way, its horrible.i fee like im turning into a a miserable cow who is constantly comparing myself to the ex.i have read your posts and i can imagine how your feeling when you talked about wanting a baby,i want a baby so much but my partner is not ready and that hurts so much because ive got to play step-mum to his daughter when i want to be a mum myself,i know this may sound selfish but sometimes i cant help the way i feel,talkiing to friends isnt easy either because none of my friends are step-mums and although they are supportive they dont really understand.when i first met my partner i thought i could cope with him having a child,then i fell in love and realised its the hardest thing ive ever done,but then your in to deep to just leave and you realise you just have to cope.how do you feel at the moment about being a step-mum? do you ever feel like just leaving? xx

[Nelli29]

I could have written your post myself!! Everything you have said rings so true with me, especially the whole being positive and coping with anything one day to feeling completely crap and low the next... and to answer your question ...yes sometimes I find myself thinking that I just can't cope with it all any more, but then the next day things feel a little better so I pull myself back up only ofcourse to be severely struck back down by the behaviour of a certain mad cow!! I can't believe the intensity of some of the feelings I have felt not just towards ex but also the painfull aching inside when we have sd.
Do you mind me asking how old you are? I am 30 and dh is 35! Can I also ask if you and your partner buy birthday/christmas presents for the ex on your sd's behalf?

[valentine5]

hi nelli29,im 23,somtimes we buy things for the ex on sd behalf and it does hurt evem though you know its for the sd sake,somtimes i think im coping and then something like xmas(which i used to look forward to)i just dread now and it shouldent be like this,thats when i wonder if i could cope with this long term i feel like my whole life is revolved around his daughter and the ex.its so frustrating!i cant fault one other thing wrong with our relationship apart from my frustration and i hate what ive turned into it does make you miserable no matter how happy you are with your partner.do you think having a child of our own would ease the feelings at all?i know this is not a reason to have a child but im just curious,what do you think? because sometimes i feel like im missing out because i dont know how being a parent feels and he does and i think that separates you a little bit. xx

[Nelli29]

the answer to your question is unfortunately yes it does make me miserable no matter how happy I am, and I don't know how to cope with it all. I wish I could figure it out, learn how to deal with it better, but no matter how positive I try to be I can't help feel so incredibly sad and helpless. My personal view on the having a child thing is that for me I have wanted a child of my own since I was about 16, I have also wanted the whole package, husband , house etc...and after many difficult years I met my husband , he was and still is everything I have ever wanted, kind, thoughtful, loving but he also came with this past and baggage. I never once had second thoughts or anything and always knew I wanted to marry him and wanted his children, but at the same time , although I have learnt that having a sd is sooo very hard and hurtful, I also believe that when we do have our own baby things inside me will ease because we will have something that we share, that we have made together, the scales will feel more balanced, and I will have a little bundle to channel my maternal feelings and love into. I have waited my whole life for the moment I meet our baby and can't wait. So yes I think it would help, although its obviously not a reason to have a baby. Also your last comment , I think that unfortunately this is true, I think that it is inevitable that there is this little gap between you as he knows whats its like to be a parent and we don't, I don't think there is anything that can be done but its definately there.

[Nelli29]

Are you ok Valentine5?

[valentine5]

hi nelli29,sorry i havent posted for a while ive just had the worst few weeks,last month i was on antibiotics for a kidney infection and stupid me and my partner dident think about the pill not working and now ive found out im pregnant.we were both really shocked as we did not want this at this time we both felt we werent ready,but know it has happened i am trying to thimk positive and look forward but my partner is adamant he doesent want it and he wants me to get an abortion,this hurt me so much and ive just been in a daze for a week now.i feel so alone,i know we werent ready but i dont think i can go though with an abortion but i dont want to have a child if he doesent want it its a total mess! he is adamant and he wont change his mind even though it was both our mistake as we both knew i was on antibiotics and dident expect to get caught.i dont know what to do x

[Nelli29]

Sorry to hear your are having such a miserable time valentine5, but I have to be honest I know its been a shock but this is great news!! Think about how YOU feel, think about how long YOU have been dealing with your dh kids, how patient you've been , how much you've taken on , how (if you let yourself) excited you would be right now!! Your dh has to accept this has happened and unfortunately is going to have to decide if he is in it for the long haul if you decide to keep the baby. I have to say though from reading your posts as we have said before, you and I seem quite simular, and I don't think you will be able to abort this baby especially as you have been craving one so much for so long. Ofcourse its your decision, but make the decision for yourself, you are stronger than you think, your must be to have got this far!! and if your dh decides its not for him, you will survive, only difference is you will have a little person there to help you through!!

Has you dh tried to see things from you perspective? Do you feel hes being a little selfish? or are his reservations justified?

Why don't you go and talk to a professional about things , there should be counselling available at your local gp surgery or hospital who specialise in this sort of situation.

Please post back asap...thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your way xxx

[squirrel3]

I am so sorry to intrude on this thread, (but I?m nosey and just peeked a look) I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation and I really feel for you it must be so hard.

You must think very long and hard before you make any decision, an abortion is so hard to come to terms with, nine years ago I was violently assaulted and raped and was so traumatised by the assault I waited a week before I sought any kind of help. I was covered in bruises, had two broken ribs and they discovered that I was pregnant. I couldn?t go through with the pregnancy and had an abortion. Immediately afterwards I felt relieved that it was all over and I thought I could just put it out of my mind and get on with my life.

But I couldn?t do it, I was dealing with the rape, but the thoughts of the child and the decision I had made were effecting me so badly, around the time the child would have been born I had to have counselling to deal with the guilt I was feeling, I was put on anti-depressants and it was a long hard struggle to forgive myself, its still hard now nine years on.

If you have an abortion are you going to be able to come to terms with it? Will you ever be able to forgive your DP for making you have one?

You need to have counselling about this before not after it has happened. I?m sorry if I have made you feel worse in any way, it is not my intention. I think you already know how hard any decision is going to be, I just wanted you to know that in my experience (despite the way I became pregnant) an abortion was the hardest thing I have ever had to come to terms with.

{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am thinking of you.

[valentine5]

thanyou so much nelli29 and squirrel3 your support is so much appreciated,i have wanted a child but i dident want it to happen this way,i do feel so strongly about keeping it but my partner makes me feel guilty like im forcing him into it its so hard i just wish i could be happy, iknow i would be if he was xxx

[Nelli29]

What does he say about it all - is there any room to discuss it with him or is his mind made up and thats that?!!

He should be able to be more understanding if anything , as he already has a child he knows what hes asking you to give up.

What going on in his head?!!

squirel sorry to hear about everything you have had to deal with - big hugs to you

[SadSam]

Hi Valentine, sorry for interrupting yours and Nellies thread, but I just had to say that my thoughts are with you and I feel so awful for you. However, as Nellie said this is wonderful news and if your DP is not happy then maybe it is not for him.

You say your DP is making you feel so guilty, but how would you feel if you had an abortion? You would NEVER be able to see your DP in the same light again. Trust me, YOU WOULD resent him for the rest of your time together and the relationship will NOT last. What do you have to lose? If you have the baby and he is as selfish as he seems, then you will split up. However, I do believe if you abort your child you will also split up due to the resentment you will feel for him. If you split up over having the baby then he is the one who will miss out, not you. You will have a lovely baby to love and who will love you back. Im sorry to sound harsh and I know that potentially bringing a child up by yourself is not ideal, but he is the one being selfish and if he is any kind of a man then he will come to terms with the situation and will probably adore your child once it is born.

Loads of hugs to you!!!! xx

[squirrel3]

If you feel strongly about keeping it I don't think you could forgive yourself or your DP if have an abortion.

I agree with nelli your DP has to accept that this has happened and he has to decide if he is in it for the long haul. If can't change his mind you will survive, even if you have to do it on your own.

I really do wish I had a magic wand to make him change his mind, he must know how much you want a child of your own.

You need to talk, talk and talk some more about this. If your DP wont talk about (even if he does) you need to talk so my advice is to get in touch with your GP or phone NHS Direct 0845 46 47 (phone no. may be different in your area) and ask for some urgent counselling so that you can sort out the 'muddle' your head must be in to help you to think more clearly. xx

[Nelli29]

Valentine - you still out there? Are you ok?

Feel free to CAT me if that helps

[valentine5]

hi nelli29,thanks everyone for your advice i feel a little better after everyones advice,i feel more strongly about my decision and feel i can confidently say i want to keep it,ive still got alot to think about but i just feel a little alone.thoughts keep going around in my head like how i will cope financially and im just a bit scared of what its like to be a mum xxx

[SadSam]

Valentine, please remember something..... whilst you are on this site, you are NOT alone. However hard it gets and however sad you may feel, we are all there for you, please believe that! xxx

[valentine5]

thanks sadsam that means alot,ive got to logg off now but il be back later i think im gonna sit down and talk to my partner over dinner and try and come to some sort of conclusion xxxx

[SadSam]

Hi Valentine, I hope everything is ok and that you managed to speak to DP last night and sort things out. Im thinking of you and we are all there for you if you need to chat. xx

[squirrel3]

We are all thinking of you, and like sadsam say's we are all here for you.

[Nelli29]

Same here Valentine5 - Hope you are ok xxxxxx

[squirrel3]

Still thinking of you...{{{{hugs}}}}

We are here when you want to talk. xx

[SadSam]

Valentine, hope you are ok and have managed to sort out your awful situation. Thinking of you xxx

[valentine5]

hi everyone thanks for your posts its nice to know people are thinking of me ,i talked with my partner last night and hes still adamant he doesetn want this baby and hes not ready,he says hes scared because he has achild already that if we split up he will have two children that he doeasent see as often as he would like,which i can understand but he had his first child when he was17 and that was unplanned but he stood by her and they were together 5 years,i get the feeling its just me xxxx

[SadSam]

Hi Valentine, Im so sorry to hear your dilemma is going on. Im afraid the time has come to give him an ultimatum. If you dont want to have an abortion then you must tell him that you are keeping the baby and that is final, if he doesnt like it then suggest he goes. To be honest, if it was me, then I would take what he has said as an insult.... he "doesn't want to be left with 2 children he doesn't see as much as he would like to". That to me implies that he had no intention of staying with you long term anyway! Its not a very positive comment about your relationship, and to be honest from what you have said on here I cant see a future for you both if that is how he feels. Sorry to sound so harsh, but he is acting a total arse. No-one, not male or female, should ever make you choose between them and your baby, it is just not fair and will only aid you in making a decision you will totally regret. xxx

[valentine5]

hi sadsam,i know what your saying and i totally agree with you,i asked him if he wants to be with me and he says he wants to spend his life with me.he says he wants our relationship to be solid before having a child because the last 2 and a half years have been tough because we have such a lot to deal with,like me dealing with being a stepparent and stuff, but no more arguments than any other couple would have,noones perfect!but we do love each other and ive tried to say to him he would be in the same situation if we decided to have kids in a few years because theres always that chance of splitting up with any couple noone knows whats around the corner xx

[SadSam]

Unfortunately Im a great believer in "actions speak louder than words". Its so easy to say things, but in my opinion its when you show it that it means something. Every couple has arguments, anyone that says they dont is lying. The last year with my DP has been a nightmare mainly because of the BM and also because I dont agree with the way his children are brought up. Our relationship has been on a knife edge on occasions, but throughout it all we do really love each other, he proved that when he popped an engagement ring on my finger.

I have also craved a child of my own (I dont have any at present), and that has caused arguments, as DP is worried his 8 year old son would get jelouse. However, if I got pregnant tomorrow, he would stand by me and would be pleased (after the initial shock, and worry about how to tell his ex and kids). He has even spoken to me about names if we had a girl (he already has 2 boys). That to me ensures me that he wants to stay with me. Even when I had a pregnancy scare not long into the relationship he stood by me and said that although it would be hard (we'd only been going out together about 4 months at the time) we would manage because we love one another and he wanted to be with me forever.

Im sorry to be all gloom and doom again Valentine, I do really feel for you, but I do think your DP is making excuses and to be honest, in your condition you dont need to be put through all this stress. At this time you need love and support. If nothing else you have it from us on here, please remember that. xxx