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Here we go again!!!!!

(24 Posts)
Nelli29 Mon 21-Mar-05 10:49:30

Hi everyone. Hope you are all well and managing not to pull your hair out!!!
Things have come to a head again with my dh ex. WE had sd last friday for the weekend, we had a lovely night on friday we went for a cycle ride and had a good evening. On sat I took sd to the local easter egg hunt which she loved. Dh plays football on a sat afternoon (for 2 hours) so I took sd to the local fun park with my brother in law and nephew who sd knows and enjoys playing with. When we got back we went to the park where dh was playing football where we played for a while then went to meet dh. We had a lovely day and as we were walking up the path to meet dh , sd was saying what fun she had had today and that she was looking foward to tomorrow(sun) because daddy was going to take her swimming before we dropped her home. Sounds lovely dosen't it?? and it was untill , when we met up with dh.

we learnt that ex had rung 3 times giving dh a hard time saying 'you don't see sd very often so she sould be with you not her' etc..... She then asked to speak to sd which ofcourse was fine, except that as soon as she was off the phone sd burst into tears saying she wanted to go home. It turns out that ex had told sd that her friend was at her house and wanted to play so therefore to a 6 year old it would feel like she was missing out on something! Sd was in floods of tears and there was no consoling her. my dp and ex were on the phone arguing with each other for the next 2 hours, ex also asked to speak to me and had a go at me, meanwhile sd is hearing all this going on and getting more upset. Ex is always saying things like this to sd when she is with us. Its like she is too bitter to let her daughter have fun with us , especially me. She is always saying....'Guess what I'm doing?' or 'where we're going' etc , making sd feel left out. I don't know why she can't just be a little more tactful. After sd had calmed down a little we went back kto our house where she immediately packed up her things and got ready to go. It was heartbreaking to watch even for me. Ex was then angry with sd and us for her wanting to go home as she was going out for the night, so why say anything that would make sd want to come instantly anyway??!!!

We ended up taking her home, me being upset, sd crying, dh upset, ex upset and it could all have been avoided so easily!! Ex said it was our fault as 'we couldn't handle a few tears' but sd was sobbing, absolutely sobbing and there was no was we were going to force her to stay, it wouldn't sit right with me. I said to dh that between the 4 of us (ex is remarried) we are messing up this little girls life and I feel so awful, but if I try to help things I get accused by ex of interferring and I get the whole 'she my daughter not yours' and 'I'm her mother not you' etc.

It drives me mad that she can't see what damage she is doing, she is also expecting, so things are going to get alot worse when the new baby gets here!!! Sorry to rant, feel better now...any views???

valleygirl Mon 21-Mar-05 10:55:27

don't accept any calls from her over the weekend.
screen calls at home and never pick up a mobile phone call from her when you have sd. You know that it's not an emergency about your sd since she's with you! She really deosn;'t need to be calling you about anythign unless it's to do with her daughter.
Honestly that's what I would do/did -just "accidentally" forget your phones when you go out for the day or switch them off, it will drive her insane no doubt, but it will be better than a situation which escalates into nasty arguments in front of the child, which is inexcusable, and her using emotional blackmail.

squirrel3 Mon 21-Mar-05 11:29:14

Valleygirl, I totally agree with you! Its the only way!

Nelli29 Mon 21-Mar-05 11:59:14

I would love to do what you ha\ve sugested but she would absolutely mad!!!! She has already said to me that its her right to be able to ring and talk to HER daughter any time she likes. Also it quite usual for SD ato ask to ring her mum to talk to her, we can't stop that can we...I would feel mean

otto Mon 21-Mar-05 11:59:20

Agree with the others. It's not fair for her to spoil your time in this way. Your sd needs to be left alone to enjoy the time she has with her dad and with you and not to be reminded of the fact that she is away from home and her mum. How insensitive of her mum to do this. I think you will have to do something drastic such as ignore any calls from her over the weekends sd is with you. We've had similar things happen and I know how it can so easily upset the balance. Does bm have any idea what affect her behaviour actually had on her daughter?

Nelli29 Mon 21-Mar-05 12:00:21

I don't think there is any easy solution. It just makes me very sad to see the damage its doing

aloha Mon 21-Mar-05 12:13:44

Of course your sd should be able to call her mother...but I think avoiding calls when you are out and about and with your sd is fine. You've 'forgetten' your mobiles!
She does sound bitter and jealous, sadly. What a shame this poor little girl is in the middle. However, I would suggest that you don't take her home when she cries - IMO this will only encourage her mother to keep playing nasty games. Distract her and cuddle her and give her chocolate if necessary!

valleygirl Mon 21-Mar-05 12:18:50

actually it's not her right to call whenever she feels like it - not when it causes upset and tension, which your sd picks up on. if your sd insists on speaking to her mum then perhaps from now on have a specific time once during the weekend that they can talk. a good tiemr would be before she goes to bed (ie a time when she can't be put in a car and driven home) so that her mum can say good night to her, and let that be the end of it.
Don't feel bad about not taking her calls. she is manipulating you and exploiting the fact that you are a nice person who doesn't like to cause waves. i always beleived that you had to fight dirty now and again, because that was the only way to make sure that your life wasn't affected by the ex. beleive me she'll soon get the message when she find that she can't be calling and shit stiring whenever she feels like it. and it's not as if you have to say to her "well we deliberately switched the phone off to avoid talking to you you cow" - just say "ooops, left it at home, oops battery ran dead when we were out, oops phone was stolen/lost/fell down the toilet, we were in such a rush this mornign left it at home" etc, etc.

SadSam Mon 21-Mar-05 14:01:37

I totally agree with ValleyGirl. BM has no right to invade DH and your time with SD. She is just confusing SD and stirring things up to make you look bad. It has to stop right now and it is a good idea as suggested to allow SD to ring her BM once over the weekend at bedtime. Too many BMs use their children as weapons to get at the father and stepmum (as I have found to my cost) and it is so wrong. It makes me so angry, I just wish they would understand that children are the innocent victims in a broken relationship not weapons or bargaining tools!

reflection Mon 21-Mar-05 17:15:15

It is really hard to think like this when all you want to do is keep the peace but...DO NOT ALLOW HER TO DO THIS. If you do not answer the phone and avoid all contact during the visits to a call from sd at a time that you specify then you have regained a balance of the power that this woman is demanding. It makes my blood boil thinking about how thoughtless some parents can be. Enough is enough, time to let a little girl enjoy some peace. Fight for her by not answering the phone...good luck xxx It just gets me so wound up

LooptheLoop Mon 21-Mar-05 21:27:34

Sorry you had such a miserable time. She is being toxic and you need to think about ways of managing this. Otherwise she will just take all of you down with her. You need to protect the time with SD but you also need to protect yourself and your DH. Unfortunately you cannot control what she does, you can only control your reaction (which sometimes involves having the patience of a saint). Stand firm, you're doing a great job and hopefully it will be worth it in the long run. I agree - accidently forget your mobile. No-one is suggesting you cut off SD's contact with her mother when she genuinely needs it. But this confusion of boundaries and mind games are hardly helping her. DH has as much parental rights as his ex. Stand by your values and beliefs whatever she throws at you and hopefully it will come right.

Surfermum Mon 21-Mar-05 21:56:13

Oh Nellie, I'm so sorry you had such an awful time because of BM. What on earth does she achieve by behaving like this? We've had all this type of behaviour, it is so wearing.

The only thing I would say Nelli, is don't let your sd know what is going on if you can. If dh needs to phone BM while she is with us I take her out, or he goes out so she can't hear what's going on. We make it plain to dsd that she can be wherever she wants. If there's a party or something and she wants to be at home then she just has to say. We make it totally her choice.

BTW - you say when the baby gets here .... does that mean?????

Nelli29 Tue 22-Mar-05 08:23:51

Thanks to everyone once again. I have discussed things with dh and we are going to try to keep phoning home to 1st thing in the morning as this is when sd is obviously happy/hyped up it hopefully shouldn't be too much of a problem.

When I got home from work yesterday ex had been on the phone to dh slaging me off down to the ground. She said that sd apparently said that I didn't feed her on sat (which I packed a lunchbox for her to take) and that she missed 'daddy' when she was with me! I can't believe it. Sd was having so much fun with my brother in law she didn't want me and certainly didn't mention her dad, and as for her dinner, I packed a lunchbox for her with what she asked for(jam sandwich/crisps/packet of sweets) She only had a little of the sandwich admittedly but she had her crisps/drink/sweets (2 lots) and ice cream. We were just about to go and have some tea when ex rang and ruined things which is why she would have been hungry!!!!!

The atmosphere is awful at home, my dh and I had a huge row, he says I don't support him enough and that I look at things from my point of view, which I really don't think I do. At th end of the day I'm doing the best I can but at the moment I just feel energy left. She would obviously love it if she knew we had had a row!

She also said that I obviously don't trust dh as I always go with him to drop sd off...whats wrong with that??? She has told dh that she doesn't want to be with her husband (even though she is 4 months pregnant and only been married a year!!)

When do these people get whats coming to them??? and why is it that people who try to do their best get shit on the whole time!! Whats the point!!

She also said that we spoil her!! how can she say that , we only spoil her in attention and time, spoiling her to me is only allowing her to wear mini boden or monsoon clothes and sending her down to us with them (we live in the country) so sd is continuously scared of getting them wet/dirty...insane springs to mind!!

SadSam Tue 22-Mar-05 09:03:07

Nellie I really feel for you and can relate to everything you say. You cant let BM rule your life the way she is (grrr im listening to myself saying this and wishing I would listen to my own advice!). Are you able to have a chat with SD next time you see her and ask her if she was hungry when she left you last weekend? BMs have a wonderful way of lying and saying skids say things they dont. My DPs ex phoned up a while ago and said that SS said he gets bored at our house, when DP asked SS if he ever got bored at ours he said no, he liked it here because he had different toys to play with and different places to go!!! Who do you believe? I know who I believe and it isn't the BM. Its just their way of keeping control over everything that involves skids. How would she feel if you and DP started doing/saying the same sorts of things with her and her DH?

otto Tue 22-Mar-05 14:08:47

BM clearly has a problem here. She sounds like she really is out to cause trouble . I don't have any good advice on how to deal with this as my dp's ex has never been this bad. All I can suggest is you try your very hardest to ignore what she says about the petty stuff such as sd being hungry etc. She's just finding ways to pick fault. It sounds as if your sd gets questioned when she gets home and then gives whichever answer she feels is most appropriate, which really is very unfair on her. It is highly unlikely that she went home and told her mum that she missed her dad when she was with you. It sounds as if BM manipulated her into saying that. This is all very tricky and I wish I could say something more helpful. I hope you and your dh make up soon as this women seems to have far too much power in your life.

Nelli29 Wed 23-Mar-05 08:23:20

Just wanted to ask how everyone deals with the 'contact' between exs and partners? Since sat when this happened ex and dp have spoken everyday. Dh rang sd on sunday to make sure sd was ok which is fine, then (as dh informs me ex never apologises for her behaviour) she tends to speak with actions rather than words (sometimes)she then rang dh on monday and had a go at him, she then rang him tues morning and then got sd to ring him after school yesterday (huge coincidence, as she never gets sd to ring him) and now they are all meeting after school on thursday as sd mysteriously wants dh to buy her something from a shop! Last night I ended up getting upset again and my dh just can't understand it and I'm sure he thinks I'm going loopy! I just can't help it I just don't understand the need for so much contact all the time, plus, and I know it shouldn't matter, but ex has never been able to let go of dh, and I''m sure given half the chance, and I hate the fact that being the way she is , by dh meeting her and talking on the phone she will think that there is something more in it which infuriates me.

I know ite my dh and I that matter and I know he loves me, and that he is with me not her etc and that she is an ex for a reason, but it just gets on my nerves.

Has anyone else sometimes felt like this?

SadSam Wed 23-Mar-05 08:37:13

I think when there is a 3rd person in your relationship, especially someone who shared so much with your dh, that it is only normal to feel a little insecure. I must admit that on numerous occasions I have felt a little insecure when my DP and ex meet up with the kids. However, I know for a fact that BM has definately burnt her bridges by her nastiness etc with DP and he hates her guts! I know I have nothing to worry about it. I also know that she is jelous of what we have and without a doubt given the chance she would get back with him tomorrow. However I know for a fact that if she was the last woman on earth my DP wouldnt get back with her and thats what keeps me going. Your DH is with you for a reason, he loves you, he would not be even seeing her if it wasnt for sd so just keep telling yourself that and think smuggly to yourself that its your bed he shares every night not hers! xx

Nelli29 Wed 23-Mar-05 08:46:29

Thankyou Sadsam xxxxxx

squirrel3 Wed 23-Mar-05 09:13:28

Know how you feel Nelli, DP's left him for another man 6 years ago and has since had a child with her new DP but it doesn't stop her from phoning DP (usually when drunk) and suggesting they get back together when she has a row with her DP!! He just tells her that its not going to happen and he is very happy where he is. I know he would never get back together with her, and when she says these things to him he will not go into another room he will speak to her in front of me so I know what is said, but sometimes I admit I do feel a bit jealous, its irrational I know, but its human! Just do as sadsam says and tell yourself that your DH loves you and it is your bed he shares every night, anyway your DP's ex sounds like a mad cow (does she eat alot of beef?!), why would he want her when he has you?

reflection Wed 23-Mar-05 10:52:10

I have to say that that behaviour would drive me crazy. I know exactly how you feel. This woman is not giving you any space, she is imposing on your life nearly everyday at the moment and it is totally unacceptable. Why does the bm have to be with them when dh and sd go to the shop? What is so urgent that he has to go during the week? Why not when she comes over? Maybe he should not answer her calls straight away and let her leave a message. Then return her call (if a valid reason) at a time that is convenient for him. I think that you have every right to feel the way that you do. Having to be made to think about the ex every day is not healthy. If BM calls to slag you or him off the call should be ended. Listening to her empowers her. I know its easy to say and I don't know what the solution is but I just thought you should know that how you feel is not unreasonable.

reflection Wed 23-Mar-05 10:53:56

Ask you dh how he would feel if he had to listen to updates about your ex's opinions every is not a nice feeling and he really needs to try and understand this.

valleygirl Wed 23-Mar-05 11:07:36

she is pushing the limits because your dh is allowing her to. the more he allows her into your lives the more she will overstep the mark. he may think you are being irrational but do ask him, as Reflection suggest, how he'd feel if you had a very important ex who kept calling you every day to talk about "the past". Essentially that is what she is doing - she's using her daugheter to keep her relationship with your dh going, and sounds to me as if she has definitely not let go of him. Again I would suggest screening calls - only, and I mean, ONLY if there is an emergency involving your dsd should either of you pick up the phone to speak to her. Then only on the the folling day, when you are not around, should your dh reply to her call. A call from work where he can be straight with her that he can't talk for long and can't discuss personal stuff. Tell him that it would make it easier for you to deal with and therefore easier on your relationship if he agrees to this. He should also make calls to her brief and to the point - no discussions about her life - straight to the point about his dd and nothing else. He is, not intentional I'm sure, allowing her a hold in your life by this continuing constant communication.

otto Wed 23-Mar-05 11:11:48

BM does phone often and dp sees sd on an ad hoc basis in addition to the arranged contact, particularly at the moment as he is working around the corner from her home. I don't mind that, but it does annoy me when bm phones dp instead of the AA if she has broken down as she did last week. However annoying I find her behaviour, the crucial thing is that I don't feel threatened by her. I know that she's not trying to win dp back. Your situation is different in that bm is quite obviously out to cause trouble whether your dh sees it or not. It's not reasonable for her to phone up just to have arguments. It's only reasonable if it's about arrangements involving sd, or if a particular problem has cropped up.

SadSam Wed 23-Mar-05 12:51:55

I think the common denominator with the BMs we are talking about is that they dont / cant move on! My DPs ex is constantly only having flings with losers, drunks, no hopers etc and most of them are over 50 (shes 37). I believe strongly that she only does this for one reason, that shes too scared to settle down in case my DP decides that he wants her back (yeah right, dream on!). Its been over 6 years since they split up and she still hassles him all the time. She will regularly phone up just to have a go at him or to talk about non kid related stuff. He always makes his excuses and finishes the convo straight away. He even regularly puts the phone down on her if she is shouting and screaming down the phone. She can try all she likes, but all shes doing is making DP hate her more the more nasty and vindictive she is. All I can say to you girls is hold on in there, they aren't worth getting upset about. They will try everything in the book, but at the end of the day your men are with you not them!!!! You are all worth more than that, that is why our men are with us and not them! xx

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