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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

help me i could cry!!!!!!

19 replies

louee · 20/03/2005 13:14

Long story but here goes!!!
I'm a step mum to my Dh's son who's 8, the ex partner got pregnant by having her coil taken out on the sly so their Ds was born.
Anyway Dh left the ex as he was tired of their relationship and her nastiness,Dh was traumatised for leaving his son aged 2.5 at the time but remained in complete contact at all times and paid all dues, 3 months after they seperated we met on a blind date and since then have married and had 2 fab children. Ss still came over for the weekend every 2 weeks and the ex hated the thought of me being there.
after many court battles (long story of her just trying to win Dh back and taking it out on their son by not letting him see his dad) she has come to the point of refusing to let Ss over at all and no contact at all. Dh has not seen him now for 4 months (we still have b'day and xmas prezzies for Ss) she phone d my Dh on boxing day and said "you left ,you pay the consequences" all i can say is what do we do,court papers say we have him every 2 weeks for the weekend ,so where do we stand??? (have phoned and texted the ex but she refuses to answer) she is in a relationship with a guy who has moved in with her and she has 2 kids from a previous marriage who also don't see their father either!!!! so WHAT NOW???????

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Report

louee · 20/03/2005 13:29

forgot to say cant afford courts again with solicitors etc last time it cost us nearly £4000!!!!

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bathmummy · 20/03/2005 13:34

How awful, always amazes me how some women are happy for their children to suffer just to punish an ex.
Have you tried CAB? There must be some legal way to enforce the order without involving lengthy costs for you.
Sorry I don?t have any useful advice, just sympathy xx

louee · 20/03/2005 13:36

thankyou bathmummy I will find out about CAB,I'm watching this thread like crazy for some help and being a mum myself i would never do this to my kids!!!!

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louee · 20/03/2005 13:58

desperate for advice!!!!

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louee · 20/03/2005 14:49

sorry bump!!!!!

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anchovies · 20/03/2005 15:08

Im really sorry, have no advice but just wanted to say I really feel for you all, what a terrible and unfair situation for you and your DH to be in. Hope somebody comes up with some ideas for you xxx

louee · 20/03/2005 15:37

thanks anchovies!!

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LooptheLoop · 20/03/2005 19:44

Hiya - what a sad story. I can never believe how a mother can punish her own child in such a way. CAB sounds a good idea. You could always try to self represent yourself in court - not as impossible as it sounds. But perhaps as a first measure you could send her a letter explaining that she is in breach of the court order and asking for her co-operation as otherwise you will be forced into legal action and will be seeking costs from her as her breach has forced you into this action. Long shot - but would only cost you the time and stamp and demonstrates your attempts to keep in contact. I'd also keep a diary of all your calls etc to show how hard you're trying. You could always get a lawyer to write the letter as it looks more official but obviously this will cost. Good luck and feeling for you. What an unfair situation. PS your DH has the right to school reports etc so perhaps he could contact the school and ask for duplicate copies to be sent to him (hardly the same as contact I know but at least he'd be keeping a wee bit up to date). Good luck.

Surfermum · 20/03/2005 20:45

Hi Louee. My dh had to go through the Courts to get contact with his dd because his x wouldn't let him see her. She finished with him but still wanted to cut him out of her daughter's life. She'd already done it to the fathers of her other 2 children (and one since).

When he could no longer afford to pay for a solicitor he represented himself. He had to argue the case to have contact with his daughter, and how much, and ended up with every 3rd weekend and half of the school holidays.

I would have thought that your husband is in a strong position, as there is a Court Order in place and she's in breach of it. If it was my dh, I think he would write to his x to arrange a contact, and give her a deadline to reply to you by and say that if you don't hear you will take the matter further. If you don't hear get the application forms from the Court and apply for a hearing and go from there.

We used to write everything down, every phone call or contact, dates, times, what was said. We had abusive messages recorded by the police. The courts didn't take much notice of it all but it was helpful to prove certain points and when it came to writing Court Reports.

I can totally understand why you feel like crying. I didn't understand how she could do it to her child, and now I'm a mum myself I understand it even less especially when I see dh on the floor playing with dd. There are so many sad threads here about dads who just don't want to know, why, why, why then do some women want to stop good dads, who want to be there for their kids, being involved. I could cry too.

valleygirl · 21/03/2005 10:48

why don't you contact a Family Mediation Support Group - the aim is that these sorts of things can be sorted out before it goes to court and i guess in theory saves people a lot of money and a lot of long term bitterness and recrimination.
www.nfm.u-net.com/ (can't do links I'm afraid)
Does your dh have parental responsibility for his son by the way? if not he should.
It's disgusting the way some women use their children to get back at an ex who desperately wants to be involved in their lives- how can a court decide that these cold hearted mean bitches are the best thing for their kids? It makes me all the more grateful that my situation has always been the opposite to this one.
Really feel for you louee

louee · 24/03/2005 11:42

thanks evryone for your support,my Dh has no parental responsibility as the x wont allow him to have it,have even paid courts for the papers for it but x said no. all calls and texts have been noted but she wont answer them!!! how long does a court order stand for???? anyone know??? also with having no parental responsibility ss's school refuses to tell dh about anything to do with ss.to do with the x talking to the school again!"!!! being a mum to 2 kids myself i would never dream of keeping my kids away from my Dh ,infact i know how hard it is as i was away from my father for 11 years and now i know him he doesn't know how to be a dad!!!

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reflection · 24/03/2005 12:01

There is something really wrong about the courts system in this country when a father does not automatiocally get equal parenting rights regardless of whether the parents are married or not. Louee I wish you and your Dh all the best. It breaks my heart that the child will suffer because the courts can not support him. The court order means nothing if there are no consequences for the BM when she doesn't follow its ruling. Did you go to the CAB? Just don't give up...one day DS will see the truth (not that that's much comfort) I really wish you all the best. Keep us updated...

anorak · 24/03/2005 12:15

Parental responsibility orders are not her decision, they are the court's. I have two DDs by an ex (not married to) and he applied for a parental responsibility order. If the court had seen fit to grant it I would not have been able to prevent it. They didn't however (my ex is very unlike your dh!)

I was advised by my solicitor that parental responsibility orders are granted 99% of the time. However they don't amount to much. All they entitle you to is knowing where the child lives and access to school reports and things. They don't even make any difference to contact. But your contact order is the vital thing.

louee · 24/03/2005 16:03

hi thanks again in answer to court and parental responsibility the court said they would leave it in the hands of the x as she had to have time to think about it might have been something to do with x's solicitor!!! still ss is 8 now and it may be too late for him to realise what a caring and devoted dad he has (my Dh loves our 2 kids like mad and would do anything for them like he would for my ss) the x is one evil woman who should i say decided to punch me in the stomach when i was 6 months pregnant with our Dd hasten to add Dd was fine !!!! i can't stand the x and she will never be a mother in my eyes!!!!

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anorak · 24/03/2005 16:04

She sounds like nightmare. I bet your dh is glad he got away and found you.

louee · 24/03/2005 17:34

aww thanx anorak that's exactly what he says!!! It just makes me sad that he is missing out on being with his dad!!!!(and a half brother and half sister )

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Surfermum · 24/03/2005 20:10

Punching you is bad enough, but when you were pregnant - what an awful woman.

There is no time limit on a Court Order louee, so your dh's still stands. My dh got parental responsibility as his x was refusing to sign for him to have it. It doesn't make an awful lot of difference, but it did mean that he was able to speak to dsd's school and get school reports, and speak to her health visitor and social worker. We were told that the Courts often try to let the two parties sort things out between them, with the minimum of intervention from Court Orders, so that might be why your dh was left to sort out pr with his x.

It's ridiculous because if the parties were able sort things out between them they wouldn't be in Court in the first place or mediation (if the other party turns up) would have worked. I would say it's worth your dh getting it as he would then be able to talk to the school.

louee · 26/03/2005 10:18

thanx surfermum i think PR is Dh's next step ,already paid for it just need to go to court again!!!! thanx again for making me feel im not the only one with problems!!! happy easter to you all am off on hols tomorrow will be back in a week!!!xx

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Surfermum · 26/03/2005 11:37

Happy Easter louee, have a lovely time.

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