HELP! Dp wants SS with a drug problem to live with us!

[squirrel3]

Just found out that SS (from 1st marriage) problems are because he has a drug problem!! Not down to depression as I thought. BM wants to throw him out, DP wants him to live with us. I don't want a teenager with a drug problem living in my house. I don't want to expose my son to it, (he's already put up with a lot in his life, my daughter is pysically disabled and suffered from servere depresion because of it, it was really hard for him)We don't have room, why should my son have to share his room with a 'druggie'? He has never had to share before, its always been 'his space'.

(Just failed an exam at collage because I couldn't stop thinking about it!)

I feel like I'm being torn in two, I really want to help but Ive already been through so much with DD, she became disabled through an illness when she was 12, the illness gave her a deformed spine and she suffered so much pain along with it she became severely depressed and tried to take her own life on several occasions. We were in and out of hospital for years. Now she is adult and coping with it, I feel like for the first time in many many years I can breath a sigh of relief and get on with my own life, now this! I don't know if I'm ready to take on a teenager with drug problems.

[NomDePlume]

Oh squirrel, I wish I had advice, but I wanted to say that I think you are completely justified in your concerns for the impact on your own children.

Do you know the extent of SS's drug problem ?

[loudmum]

much as I agree you have had enough with dealing with huge issues, I do think when you marry someone with kids you have to accept their kids and that could include them living with you -- problems and all... how would you feel if you DH had not wanted to take on your DD when she was going thru all her problems... he is the Dad and if he wants his son to move in, I think you have to accept it and work towards healing him... and moving him on in his life (which could be out of your house!!)

If you feel that strongly, you must talk to DH and maybe agree a compromise... he only stays for x months etc... I just hope your DH does not feel forced to choose between you and his son...

Hope this did not sound hard.. it was not meant to and I hope you get it resolved.. I have always admired people who marry into families with kids as i know I could not take on problems like this

[beansprout]

I really sympathise. Dp's dd had a stay in a psychiatric unit when she was 14. Her mum really didn't give her the support she needed at all and dp wanted me to agree that she could come and live here, so I do know how hard this feels.

I would also ask, what is the extent of the drug problem? Does it warrant him going to rehab? Has he been stealing?
How old are ds and ss?

[Toothache]

Squirrel3 - It's an awful situation to be in and it sounds like your son and daughter have been through a lot.

But... first of all you shouldn't label your SS as a 'Druggie'. Thats awful. Secondly, how do you know that taking drugs wasn't a consequence of the boys depression?

Which drug are we talking about? For example, there is a huge difference between letting a heroin addict (who uses needles) live in your home to someone who smokes a bit a hash.

How extreme are we talking? Does he steal from his family to pay for his habit? Is he prone to violence? I could understand you not wanting to take on that. How old is he? I mean is he old enough to get a place of his own?

[noddyholder]

Look into the details before you make a definite decision.A new and stable home could be all he needs to turn things around on the other hand if it is a long standing serious problem it would be better to leave it to the professionals rather than have it upset your lives

[squirrel3]

Firstly I was a single mum when my DD was going through her problems mainly because I didn't feel it was right for somebody else to take on her problems.

Secondly his depression is a result of taking drugs not because something terrible happened to him or through no fault of his own.

Thirdly, yes I think he is being agressive with BM and younger brothers and sisters. Don't know about stealing, but I do know he is up for a disiplinary hearing at work because of being 'out of it' at work.

At first I was very sympathetic and understanding with him, DP and BM relied very much on my input on how to deal with his depression and when he stayed here he knew he had a listening ear from someone who could understand.

To be honest I feel a bit betrayed that its come out now that its all down to his drug addiction.

As for calling him a 'druggie' that is what he is at he moment, I wish he wasn't but he IS a drug user!

I would NEVER ask DP to choose between us NEVER!

All I was saying was I don't know how to cope!

[beansprout]

S3, I do unserstand. It's easy to suggest the correct thing to do, but boy do I know it's not so easy to do it. Isn't that what half the posts on this site are about?!

Could you tell us a bit more about what your ss is doing? What is he using? How old is he? Does he want any help or does he blame his situation on something/someone else?

[fairyfly]

What drugs? It makes a massive difference

[noddyholder]

is it heroin?

[squirrel3]

Beansprout, he has seen his GP and been prescribed anti-depresants but he wont take them, he'd rather just get 'smashed', he won't accept that the depression has been caused by the drugs (even though the doctor has told him that is the case) The drugs come 1st.

Not 100% sure what he has been taking, but I am sure its not just hash.

He is 20, surely he is old enough to take responsibility for his own actions!

[squirrel3]

P.s Its not just my DS (19) who would be affected it would affect the younger SKs (13&9) from the second marriage who stay with us regularly and my grandchild (3) who stays also.

[beansprout]

You are right, he is but not everyone can do that.

I'm guessing, but from your posts I'm picking up the idea that you are anti-drugs, in all their forms. If he were not taking any drugs at all, how would you feel about him coming to live with you?

[squirrel3]

Actually your wrong, I am not totally anti-drugs. Believe it or not I used to take drugs (soft drugs) when I was a teenager, and yes, they cause problems! but I realised it and got off them!!

SS refuses to listen to me when I tell him "I've been there, done it, bought the T-shirt".

If he were not taking drugs, or even if he wanted my help to get off them he would be very welcome and I would stick by him through ALL of it. I guess my frustration is that he doesn't WANT any help!

[noddyholder]

If it is heroin I would say stay well clear I am probably going to be unpopular etc but my brother was an addict for years and made all of our lives hell while he carried on doing what he liked with no regard for anyone.My parents did everything to help him re rehab etc but nothing worked He has now been clean for 7 yrs all his own doing and admits now that nothing we did/said had any effect on him and he didn't care what we did he just wanted to do what he was doing It is v hard not to feel pressurised esp in todays society where we all have to be so liberal/non judgemental etc but it is a different story living with it.My brother first told my dp he was on heroin and ds was 7 months old he stayed with us for 2 months at that time and it was torture thank god ds was no older it didn't really affect him then.Suit yourself-he is

[squirrel3]

Yes toothache! I was a 'druggie' too so I feel I do have the right to call SS a 'druggie'

[squirrel3]

noddyholder, I don't know if its heroin, he won't come clean about what he is taking.

[squirrel3]

Dispite everything I have said I really do want to help him, I just don't know how. How do you help someone who doesn't want help?

I am also worried the effect it will have on everybody else in my family, my children, grandchild, and the younger set of SK's.

I know at the end of the day I will agree to him living with us, I just know its going to be * hard and I thought that my life was going to be a bit easier now DD is able to cope with her own illnesses now.

[beansprout]

S3, sorry, but could you tell us what his behaviour is like? I know you don't know what drugs he is taking, but what is it that is going to impact on everyone else?

[noddyholder]

It really depends on what drugs he is on and how he funds his habit.Also if he has a circle of friends on that scene you will have them knocking on your door etc Is his mum def throwing him out?Does she have other children at home?He is 20 and has a job so could make some effort himself Be careful don't feel railroaded into something you can't cope with

[squirrel3]

Beansprout, he can be agressive, BM says he stays out until early morning then comes in wakes everyone up and expects everyone to tip-toe around him and not upset him or he smashes things up. He hasn't actually hit BM yet but she feels its only a matter of time.

I'm worried about him sharing a room with DS as I'm not to sure how they will get on, DS should not have to 'walk on egg-shells' in his own house. I'm worried they might end up fighting (literally) DS is usually very placid and easy going though. (They say that is usual for another child brought up in the situation that he was concerning DD to do anything not to 'rock the boat' as it were)

noddyolder BM is def going to throw him out (she has given him two wks to sort himself out) she is at the end of her tether, she has three younger children herself. Again he's not talking about how he funds his drug habit. He does have a job at the moment (which DP got for him) but it looks like he is going to get the sack very soon.

[noddyholder]

If he loses his job and gets kicked out this will send him one way or the other If he has really reached the end with drugs it will be the making of him otherwise hes not at rockbottom yet and he will go on as he is It is not your responsibility to deal with this IMO You could offer your support if and when he seeks help and change himself

[Surfermum]

Squirrel - I was just wondering, what does he want? Does he want to come and live with you? You say his bm wants him out and your dp wants him with you, but maybe it isn't what he wants. He is 20 and maybe he wants to go and flat share or something.

[LooptheLoop]

Squirrel - I really really feel for you. Whilst I respect and can understand the posts about his father's responsibilities to his son, to be honest I'm not sure I could take him in.

I'd want to support but not at any price to my own children. You're in an impossible situation. You sound an amazingly caring and strong woman - hang in and work with your partner on finding a solution for you all (sorry don't have a magic wand on what that should be....) But I do feel that you and DP need to find a mutual agreement on what to do. Hugs and love to you - sorry hon. Thinking of you during this terrible time for you all.

[squirrel3]

Thank you noddyholder for the advice, think we need to talk to a drug adviser or something.

Also thank you for your kind words looptheloop.

Sorry for the lateness of my reply DP came home from work early, things have just got more complicated. DP?s ex no.2 has offered to have SS to live with her, DP?s ex no1 (BM) is furious. Ex 1 and myself do not get on with her, she is sly and manipulative, and will ?use? it to somehow cause trouble. Ex no1, DP and I all agree it would be the worst thing to do for all concerned. Also it will not solve anything, SS friends that ?do drugs too? live in the next street!! so unfortunately I can see SS wanting to live with her. DP and I live in the next town, making it harder for him to get the drugs and hopefully it would take him out of the circle of so called friends he has become involved with. Arrggh! This is really getting messy!!

[pabla]

Hope I'm not being contentious, but if he's an adult of 20, and seems to be into an "alternative" lifestyle, why on earth does he want to live with a parent (step or otherwise)? Is there some reason why he can't live by himself or with friends? If you're saying he is refusing any help or advice what good will it do him staying with you? Maybe if he had to fend for himself financially, he wouldn't have so much money left to spend on drugs?