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diaries.....

(15 Posts)
jojostar Sun 07-Sep-08 09:18:34

what do you think.......
We have got all the children (2 my own,2 dsd) a diary with a key so they can write down what is bothering them. The 2 dsd's are told by their mother not to tell us whats going on and we have had them in tears on more than one occasion bcos she has told them were going to split and they'll have no dad, or that they'll go to school with no shoes, dinner money cos dad won't give her money (which he always has) etc and other numerous things that have had them worried so instead of bottling it up to write it down....

Both the dsd's are 7 and trust us completely. What i wanted to know was do you think we should look in their diaries to see what is bothering them so in a completely adult way we can bring the conversation round to what is bothering them and sort it without them even knowing...We are not interested in what is going on in their mothers house just the affect it is having on their little heads. I think with them being younger and not wanting to upset us its a good idea but would prob think twice if they were older. We have reassured them that nothing will stop our love for them ever but sometimes what mum says sticks.....

bubblagirl Sun 07-Sep-08 12:06:19

i dont think you should look in there diaries couldnt you get something like i worry box where they can write what is bothering them and then you both read through and discuss with dc

Surfermum Mon 08-Sep-08 09:24:34

I have read your other posts and can understand your utter despair at what is going on. I don't think reading their diaries is the right thing to do though. They may feel it is somewhere safe that they can write things down. Even at 7 I don't think they're daft and they may well work out the link between what you are asking about and what they are writing. They may well feel you've betrayed their trust.

Bubblagirl's suggestion is good - what about having a worry box and telling them that, having written in their diaries, if there is anything they want to ask or talk to you about to put it in there.

But I know where you're at. We had this with dsd when things were not good between us and dsd's mum. Still now we are dealing with the fall-out of the pack of lies dsd's mum told the Courts and dsd. We're between a rock and a hard place because if we tell dsd the truth about the situation, it doesn't paint her mum in a good light - and we don't want that, but equally we don't want her believing things about dh and what went on in those days as her view of her father is then skewed. It's a really difficult situation - and what I think I hate about it is the feeling of disempowerment to do anything about it.

jojostar Mon 08-Sep-08 10:07:12

Yep you put it so clearly there about painting her in a good light thats where we are we are trying to be honest with them without getting into shes a liar etc...Theres so many posts on here with ex is pain in arse/stepmum trying to take my place its such a shame when in between it all are small children who can't say for christs sake grow up. I find it so hard to bite my tongue sometimes esp cos dh is a great dad I'd love for her to have a dose of my exhusband that would stop her "hard done to pushed out mother act"
bubblagirl thats a top idea one I hadnt thought of might give it a go.....

jojostar Mon 08-Sep-08 10:07:15

Yep you put it so clearly there about painting her in a good light thats where we are we are trying to be honest with them without getting into shes a liar etc...Theres so many posts on here with ex is pain in arse/stepmum trying to take my place its such a shame when in between it all are small children who can't say for christs sake grow up. I find it so hard to bite my tongue sometimes esp cos dh is a great dad I'd love for her to have a dose of my exhusband that would stop her "hard done to pushed out mother act"
bubblagirl thats a top idea one I hadnt thought of might give it a go.....

2rebecca Mon 08-Sep-08 10:15:58

No, if the diaries are supposed to be secret keep them that way although to be honest at 7 I wouldn't have wanted to do any extra writing so wouldn't have used a diary anyway.
Giving them a locked diary that you then look at but their mum can't sounds like a power thing with their mum, rather than a helpful thing for kids.
I suspect that at 7 letting them know they can talk to you and keeping in close contact will be more helpful than diaries etc which I see as more of an adolescent thing.

jojostar Mon 08-Sep-08 10:39:23

they have allsorts of little books with locks and stuff at both our house and at their mums. Their BM knows they have a little book to write things in here and did give them one there when she found out. They have been many times reassured by us they can talk to us about anything and we have unconditional love for them which i totally understand their BM does too, the difference is that we don't shout and ball and then ignore them for saying something they don't like which i know for a fact happens there. being a stepmum is an emotional battlefield and I'm not in a powerthing with Bm cos she is their mum and I have my own kids to sort out and thats hard enough. I would just like her to accept that her dd have a woman in their life who loves them and treats them very well and although I do buy them things she says she cant afford if she gave up her forty fags a day maybe she could.....

Sorry got alittle off the point there wink.......
Maybe I should of said they are little bratz books with a lock and key not diaries. It was all I could think of to help them feel safe enough to say what they wanted until they feel a bit more secure in themselves......

Surfermum Mon 08-Sep-08 11:16:39

What I did was stop looking for dsd's mum's approval of me - I realised I was never going to get it. I did the things I did for dsd because it was the right thing to do, was a nice thing to do. Her mother's approval or appreciation of what I did was an added extra that I didn't need.

2rebecca Mon 08-Sep-08 18:17:38

What's this BM stuff? She's their mum, whether you like her or not!
Birthmother is usually used to refer to a parent who had you adopted who you have little contact with, not your mum who you live with alot of the time.
If my ex's girlfriend started referring to me as my kid's birthmother I'd be highly hacked off.
You do sound as though everything you do is wonderful and everything she does is crap. Is your halo very heavy?

jojostar Mon 08-Sep-08 19:39:17

2Rebecca, BM is used on a lot of sites re steparents to show the difference of mother and stepmother it is not used as a bad thing, I'm sorry if you have read my message that way. Are you a stepmother too?

2rebecca Tue 09-Sep-08 08:27:22

Yes, and would never refer to my stepkids mum as anything other than their mum. It's only 1 more letter to type, hardly a big deal. I am not their mum, so would never refer to myself as such so don't see the need to ever call anyone who's not had their kid adopted a BM.
Also although I don't get on with their mum, I accept she has some good points and loves her kids, even if alot of her parenting is different to mine.
You paint this woman in an entirely black light which doesn't seem very realistic.
If she was that awful surely the man you love, assuming you're not married to a total pillock would never have chosen to marry her and have 2 kids with her.

jojostar Tue 09-Sep-08 10:35:46

Why he married her is another matter all together...Why is BM upsetting you so much maybe you have issues with your ex's girlfriend who knows, as I said BM is not a bad term and wasnt meant as a bad term its an acronym nothing more nothing less nor did I refer to myself as their mum as I said I have kids of my own which is hard enough. My thread was about diaries which I have sorted and in my situation I think I have done the right thing.

yerblurt Tue 09-Sep-08 19:49:40

so what's been happening on the parenting situation with your partners ex?

did you send a letter and have you had any response?

Have you thought about what will happen if it DOES go through the family court system?

Please contact me if you need any advice/help (jitsuka@hotmail.com)

mistressmiggins Wed 10-Sep-08 21:37:42

IN response to 2rebecca, I am a BM and a step mum.
On MN, I always refer to myself as BM or my DSD's mum as BM cos thats what she is.
Its just MN talk and nothing to get upset about.

In RL, my DSD now lives with me & frequently people call me mum in front of her - she doesnt correct them & we laugh about it afterwards.

Yesterday she told me a school friend was about to tell me I had a beautiful DD....to which I said, yes I do...DSD then said "she was talking about me" (I have a DD of 4 and DS of 6)
"Yes I know and I meant you are my beautiful DD - whats in a name?" I said.

jojostar Thu 11-Sep-08 14:47:16

thanks mistressmiggins when your new its hard to know whats offensive on one site and not on another. I did keep stating it was not meant as a bd term.....ho hum

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