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Had dss for 12 days and mum wants only 2 days with him!!

(7 Posts)
nuttyworkingmum Thu 28-Aug-08 15:33:38

Just come back from holiday and took dss back too his mums. Dp tells me she wants him to stay with us again this weekend as she is having friends over and cant look after him. My god can`t believe how selfish she is. Poor dss as I told him I`m sure she would want to spend this weekend doing something fun with him. Then she expects to get maintenance from Dp even though we seem to look after dss more than she!. I like having dss to stay but what I don`t like is seeing money being given to her and it not being spent on dss, or is it?? I have no idea!.We have dss every weekend and his mum gets money every week even if we have him with us. Is this fair? what do you all think?? I guess the csa would expect dp to pay even if we had him for lot`s of time. It annoys me that she calls the shots and dp is worried she would be difficult so trys to keep the peace, but I think she is really taking the mick.

SilverSparkle Thu 28-Aug-08 15:57:52

Hi, i'm not certain but i'm guessing that the CSA would expect you to only pay maintenance in proportion to the amount of time he stays with his mum. I think they calculate it based on number of nights per year.

Its worth checking out anyway


ElenorRigby Thu 28-Aug-08 16:05:50

Ah my DP's ex is just like this, she is forever palming their DD5 off on whoever. This week their DD5 has been sent packing to stay with ex's grandparents. DD5 was expecting to see her mum there but oh no mum cant make the 5mile trip to her parents to see her. It will be a whole 2 weeks before she gets to see her mum, lovely. DP's ex even took him to court so she could have their DD5 for the majority of the time, then when she gets her for the majority of the time she palms her off whenever she can.
no its not fair, not to you, your DP but most of all its not fair to your DSS. Its totally shitty behaviour to let children down and mess around with their routine.
If mum has the child benefit she will be classed as the parent with care in the eyes of the CSA even if DSS had 50% of the time with you, however you would get a reduction for overnight stays.
Your DP needs to keep a diary of all overnights and any incidents regarding DSS, so he has evidence should the CSA be involved or should this go to court in the future.

Anna8888 Thu 28-Aug-08 18:27:02

sad I have this issue with my stepsons too - the boys went back to their mother's house on Monday lunchtime after one month's holiday with us when they didn't see her at all. She spent Wednesday with them and then dropped them back here on Wednesday at 7pm and they will be here until Monday morning - and they start school again on Tuesday. I get on extremely well with my stepsons and we have just had a lovely day all together shopping for new clothes for Autumn, having their haircut and lunch in a restaurant... but why oh why doesn't their mother want to do that stuff with them??? And, yes, she wants loads of bloody maintenance money even though she is loaded. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

yerblurt Thu 28-Aug-08 18:54:09

Why does she do it Anna8888? Because she can.

Because she uses control and abuses the care of the child. It is a form of emotional abuse IMHO.

Because your partner loves his children and the ex can abuse that - it's all about control.

Sad isn't it?

The children aren't stupid and if they are old enough will know that mum doesn't really care about them, sad I know - but they have a secure loving relationship with dad and you so that's something at least ....

Anna8888 Thu 28-Aug-08 18:57:14

Yes, I know all that and in fact my partner says no to her far more often, and more forcefully, than before.

Knowing that my younger DSS would start secondary school next week (like his elder brother before him sad) with no preparation (clothes, haircut, new bag etc) unless I took things in hand, I was actually a pretty willing "victim" in this week's arrangements. Where there is nothing in it for anyone but her, we now do say no (and deal with her tantrums).

But crikey - what kind of mother feels so little for her children?

terrier141 Thu 28-Aug-08 19:32:26

God - this sounds exactly like our situation. And I (like yourself) love spending time with my step- children but do feel that their lack of routine is unsettling for them - as their mum palms them off wherever and whenever she can. We have had them for most of the holidays - but maintainence remains extortionate!

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