So angry can't calm down.

[fizzbuzz]

can anyone explain my anger?

i have a dss 19 who is a lovely lovely boy. i have always got on well with him and we have a good relationship.

On Monday night everything went wrong. Dp was out, and I had the delightful job of getting dd (2) to bed. i have posted many threads on here about her sleep problems....
ATM she has discovered she can get out of bed. so was dong rapid return with her. This went on and on and on with no break. My back was killing me, I was really hot and sweaty and she was being horrendous...so i lost my temper, shouted at her a few times, and slammed a few doors. I was really really at the end of my tether....

Anyway, dss comes upstairs nd asks if i mind be being quiet as I am upsetting his girlfriend I didn't even know she was here. To which I snapped, "Well let here deal with it then" (I rarely snap). He then took her home, slamming the door for good measure on the way out.

I just cannot calm down. I am furious with her (although I hardly know her), that she thinks it is OK to tell someone how to behave in thier own house. I know they are only young, but I just cannot calm down. I can't talk to my dss and I never want to set eyes on her again. Poor dp stuck in the middle

[fizzbuzz]

Actually he's 18........

[StealthPolarBear]

Sorry no advice but I can see why you;re upset.
However she sounds like a typical, self centred teenager - I know I was!
Could it be that she's not used to people showing anger around her, and it intimidatges her

[fizzbuzz]

Could be....but couldn't she have just gone home?????

[skidoodle]

I'd guess you're angry because you know you were not behaving reasonably towards your DD and you feel bad about that. It feels even worse to have that behaviour criticised by a 19 year old stranger who was in your house without you knowing.

I think you should probably be more pissed off with your DSS than his girlfriend. Whatever she may have said to him, he (as a member of the family) should have understood that you were at the end of your tether and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should he have spoken to you the way he did. It shows such an unbelievable lack of respect. To make his SM look cruel and unreasonable in front of someone she barely knows.

Your DP is not stuck in the middle. He needs to tell his son that he must not treat you like that. He's 19 FGS, not 13.

[StealthPolarBear]

Yes - she most certainly could!
I suppose they may have been arguing which upset her more and he took it out on you?
Just giving them the benfit of the doubt - she (or he, she may have not wanted to say anything) was cheeky.
How has your dd slept since?

[Iklboo]

Think you're over-reacting a tiny bit but v v understandable in the circumstances.
DSS should have shown some nous & either told his GF there was nothing he could do or gone out
You need to have a quiet sit down with DSS and have a calm chat about it and try and put it behind you

[Overmydeadbody]

But did the GF ask dss to ask you to be quiet or did he just come up and ask you because she was getting upset?

[Overmydeadbody]

This happened on monday and you are still angry about it on thursday?

YABU

I don't know how to help you calm down, but you need to put this behind you. It has happened now, it is in the past, get over it. Families get angry and upset and say the wrong thing sometimes. It happens. The trick is to let it go once the incident is over.

[fizzbuzz]

I don't know wether she asked him or not. I can't calm down enough yet to have a conversation.

He is a very sweet considerate lad, and may have just been trying to be gallant! He actually said it very respctfully as he could in the circumstances.

I know I was being like one of the furies, but sheesh, dd is enough to try the patience of a saint. I wasn't being reasonable towards dd...I know I wasn't, but everyone loses it with their kids at some point.

Dd has been a little bit better, I daren't say more than that as it may be tempting fate.

Had als had 2 broken nights of putting her back to bed before the incident so very very tired as well

[fizzbuzz]

Buuuut, i feel judged by a girl I hardly know and that is what is making me so angry.

Well, not judged, but angry that she behaved like that in someone elses house. I wouldn't go to the house of someone I hardly know, and ask them ( or get someone else to ask) to be quiet because they were upsetting me!!!. I wouldn't even have done it at 18

[Iklboo]

Get a big cake/block of chocolate/bottle of wine. SIt down with DSS and explain why you were upset, why you yelled, what you'd prefer him to do in future, that kind of thing.
Understand you were tired out of your mind and we've all probably been there - DS is sometimes a nightmare to settle. Try and draw a line under it and not let it affect what looks like a really good relationship with him

[ruddynorah]

maybe the gf was concerned at the way you were shouting and said to your dss that he should intervene, which he tried to do, however clumsily.

[fizzbuzz]

But, just being on here, has made me realise it is her I am angry with.....

[Iklboo]

Also - he might have 'misinterpreted' what she'd said (you know what blokes are like!)

[fizzbuzz]

But I had only lost my temper, not really any of her business.....

[Iklboo]

Can picture the scene - you upstairs with DD, them downstairs

Her: God, it sounds like your DSM is having a terrible time. It's awful - can you go and do something? (meaning, get off your lazy arse and go and help)

Him: DSM - shit up cos you are upsetting X

You:

[Iklboo]

shut up, not shit

[fizzbuzz]

Hmmm Yes, thanks for that Ikboo, a very different way of looking at it.....

[Overmydeadbody]

I think you are being a bit hypocrytical. By your own admission you where being unreasonable, shouting and slamming doors etc.,, but now you are angry because your dss asked you to stop>

And it's a bit unfair to be so angry with her if you don' even know whether she actually told your dss to ask you to stop.

[Overmydeadbody]

he's a sweet nice boy who was respectful to you while asking you to calm down. It sounds fair enough to me.

[Iklboo]

From experience - MIL fell out with BIL's girlfriend for something similar

BIL told MIL his girlfriend had said she was obsessive cos she cleans so much
MIL saw her bottom & wouldn't have girlfriend in house
Turns out she'd actually^ said - "you mum's always cleaning. She doesn't get a break. You should tell her to take it easy and you do something"

[fizzbuzz]

But...why should I have to calm down when driven to the edge by misbehaving dd. Is that not the thing that would push anyone over the edge?

Dp would have had his head bitten off in the same circumstances, as would ds. Not sure i should have to modify my behaviour in my own house, when I wasn't really doing anything that wrong, especially when I didn't even know they were in!

[Iklboo]

No you don't have to modify your behaviour - just draw a line under this week, accept that tempers were fraught and people were in t'wrong and try to move on

[fizzbuzz]

I am angry about the fact that I can't lose my temper without having to consider a girl who doesn't even live here.

Have you forgiven your neighbour yet?