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Feeling left out.... long rant ahead

(15 Posts)
starzzz Mon 18-Aug-08 15:04:05


I have two sc and am feeling really hurt by my SDs actions last night. She had been away for the weekend, for which we had given her money to spend as she wished. When she came home last night, she had bought her dad 2 gifts. We did not expect any gifts from her, so it was nice that she gave him a thoughts. My problem is, after giving her dad the gifts, she turned to me and said sorry didnt get you anything, didnt know what to get.

Now ive been a "step-mom" to her for for over 4 years. Im often the one she asks for lifts to places cause her mom and dad cant be bothered, and when im out shopping with her dad, im the one that picks up the things that she needs, plus whenever she has run out of things that girls need, she comes to me for more.

I feel really hurt that she just cant be bothered! This isnt the first time ive been forgotten, tho after the last upset, my H normally steps in and makes sure these things dont happen.

Do other people find this as well...or am i just being too touchy? (SD is 15, and we have joint custody (50/50) along with her mother,we dont have the greatest relationship, though i do try to stick up for her and help her out when i can, cause my dad never did for me)

I just feel like tell her stuff it, and not to ask me for anything anymore.

jammi Mon 18-Aug-08 17:01:35

Message withdrawn

Frizbe Mon 18-Aug-08 17:11:53

I'm lucky that ss usually remembers to get me things, but think that this is also due to his dad and his mum ensuring that their respctive 'new' partners are always remembered. I'm sure in a few years when he's teenaged, he'll be forgetting too. Try not to take it too hard, they're only kids, sometimes it takes until you're a parent yourself to realise how hurt others can be by your actions (ie you stop being selfish, because you have to iuswim)

Malibugirl Tue 19-Aug-08 10:31:03

I have been a stepmum to 3 (20, 11 and 10)for 6 years and have never received so much as a birthday card or anything else for that matter off my SC. I dont get so much as a thank you for doing the things I do for them, including taking them places, buying them stuff (including most of their Christmas and Birthday presents)etc. It has always upset me and always will, but I have come to accept it now.

starzzz Tue 19-Aug-08 10:43:35

Thats harsh Malibugirl.. have you never said anything to them? What is wrong with kids that they just cant think? You must be a better person than me cause after 4 years of it... i think im done trying, dread to think of whats going to come out of my mouth next time DD asks me for a lift!!

I remember the first christmas the SCs forgot (then about 12 and 9). They came round for Christmas dinner, gave their dad a bag of pressies, opened all theirs, and not a word to me! I was crushed, but simply waited for a bit and then went upstairs to be alone. I was soo hurt and angry that they hadnt even given me a thought (its not like i expect them to spend loads on me, just a token thought)! Hubby cottonted on to it pretty quickly and comforted me. Anyway he must have said something, cause about 2 hours later the kids mom came round with a pressie for me that they had "forgotten" to bring. Like that made me feel any better!!

fluffyanimal Tue 19-Aug-08 11:04:37

My half sister never gave my mum (her step-mum) anything at all until her own mum died a few years ago. I don't think she did it maliciously, it just never occurred to her. I know it upset my mum, but nothing was ever said about it.

Malibugirl Tue 19-Aug-08 11:12:24

Starzzz, it is harsh, but I have come to accept it now. DH gets embarrassed, but it is not like he can do anything as they live over 200 miles away with their mother so it is not easy for him to get them to sign a card for me. I did get a present at my inlaws house last Christmas, but it was wrapped up by my MIL (in the same paper she had used for everyone elses) and it had a tag saying it was to me from the SC but in her writing. When I opened it and thanked the SC they just looked at me and said "what for?" when I said for my present they just shrugged their shoulders and said "we never bought it for you"!

starzzz Tue 19-Aug-08 11:20:23

They are so considerate to others arnt they!! I probably wouldnt feel so bad if they lived with their mom and only saw me every so often..but the fact that they live with us as much as with their mom!! We see them nearly every day too, even when they arnt at ours, and i still give them lifts (especially my SD) when they are not even staying at ours.

PastYourBedtime Tue 19-Aug-08 11:23:25

Surely its down to the parent to make sure that the step child knows how much you do for them and that it would be nice for them to show some appreciation of you, especially in the younger child? My children would never not give their step dad a card/gift, they are only 6 and 4 tho. Surely its basic manners for them to get you something at christmas and manners are instilled by parents, if the kids have grown up with not bothering being acceptable then you can't really blame them, must be awful for you tho.

Malibugirl Tue 19-Aug-08 11:32:28

If DH had shared care or lived nearer to his children then I think it would be easier to do, but unfortunately their mother is not the nicest of people towards DH and myself (have no idea why, she finished with him 2 years before I even met DH) and she clearly doesn't want to make an effort or encourage them to do these things.

DH has even had fathers day cards and birthday cards from them late and despite knowing our address (she knows it for sending us letters demanding things or for sending solicitors letters) she says she doesn't have our address or she makes the kids write the address wrong and they get lost in the post!

I think it is so mean, I just dont understand why it has to be like that. I treat those children like I would treat my own and my DH is such a wonderful father. Its just not fair.

Malibugirl Tue 19-Aug-08 11:34:32

Starzzz I really feel for you. I find it hard enough, but if I saw them more often like you do then it would totally break my heart and I dont think I would be able to cope with it. [hugs] to you.

starzzz Tue 19-Aug-08 11:45:45

Thanks Malibugirl

Ive had the same thing with fathers day.. its always been their moms responisbility to sort the kids out with regards to fathers day stuff (and so it should be as far as im concerned). Last fathers day, the day before, when we had the kids, i asked them if they were all sorted for it, and they said nope! I had to phone their mom to find out what was going on, and she just hadnt bothered! I had to run round like an idiot tryin to find something suitable in bloody Tesco! i was not amused.

PastYourBedtime Tue 19-Aug-08 13:47:50

I'm lucky i think, my exh always makes an effort towards dp (as do my ex pil) to include him at christmas, birthdays etc. Hopefully i'll be the same when he meets someone.

thejoyofpie Thu 28-Aug-08 06:51:46

My SCs are 13 and 15, and I have been in their lives since they were 7 and 9. They stay with us about 3 nights a week, it's flexible, but it is often.

Until reading this thread it never occurred to me, but actually they have never given me a present in the last 6 years.

My H and I tend to get a Christmas present from his ex-wife and their kids in one hit as it were. This is actually fine by me. I get on really well with their mum, and we have a spooky thing going where we get the same gift for each other sometimes.

I get the SCs a present from me for their birthdays and Christmas, their parents get them a gift together, so that it can be a substantial one. Of course, it's my money too, but happily I have a relaxed attitude to finances.

For father's day I'll organise them to get something for my H, no big deal, he would be happy with a special breakfast anyway.

I don't look for gratitude from my SC's, although I do alot of driving, cooking, cleaning etc for them. Now I think about it, my SS, 15, does always say thanks when I drop him off somewhere.

Stepfamilies are quite hard going sometimes, luckily I actually like my SC's. I do not feel like a mother to them, and I have decided my role is most akin to a kind auntie.

2rebecca Thu 28-Aug-08 13:55:19

My stepkids will sometimes include me in xmas presents to their dad but never get me birthday cards etc. It doesn't bother me as they are mainly with their mum and they have only recently started getting their dad birthday/ fathers day cards. A combination of them forgetting and not being reminded and their mum not wanting to help remind them as she's keen to push her new husband's stepfather role.
I'd be delighted she got her dad something and not mind.

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