DSK's & a new arrival

[HPY]

I am a SM to 2 kids a boy 9 & girl 12 & my DSS is jealous of my new baby son. I seem to be doing everthing wrong at the moment and making things worse for him. I am being protective of my new baby so end up undoing good deeds by being critical of the way he interacts with my son as my DSS is a very young 9yr old and does not seem to empathise well with babies or is too jealous of his fathers attention. My DSS will pile toys on the baby and shove things in his mouth etc so I am constantly saying don't do this or that, which then makes me & him feel worse! Does anyone know a good way to deal with this tactfully?

In addition, at their mothers (DH and EX did not get married) house there are no rules, they don't eat much fruit & veg or use knives & forks, tidy up, eat over a plate etc so we are reminding them of manners etc all the time too.

The end result is that they probably don't enjoy being with us as much as they would if we were both singing from the same hymn sheet in terms of house rules etc in both houses. My DH says the kids will understand why we do things as we do when they get older and appreciate it then but I am worried it interfers with bonding! What do other folk think, what is best thing to do?

They are allowed tv at home in their rooms & to watch it unlimited, play playstations & laptops for as long as they like at Mum's & are a bit over stimulated so don't really seem to appreciate things we do. We like them to play board games, read etc & do tv etc but are more restictive about it but I am not sure the apparent boredom will help them enjoy time with us! Is it bad for them to have such different environments or should we do as they do at home?

We also have less money to do things with step kids as we pay for a big house for them to stay at at weekends with their own rooms and in a good area so that my newborn gets into good schools so they also do more expensive fun things with their Mum.

All advice welcome

[youcannotbeserious]

How long have you been in their lives? ANd how old is the baby?

I have two DSDs 10 and 13YO, and they have been great with DS (3MO) but I've been with their dad for 9 years now.

What was your relationship with them like before the baby?

Not sure about the 'big house' comment. All NRP have to deal with the fact that they have to pay for rooms for the non resident child. It's part of life. We currently live with two rooms that re used only when my DSDs live with us but DS (who is mine) doesbn't have a nursery.... but who is going to mind more? DS isn't going to care, is he? WHereas the 13 YO is going to be really upset. It should be that the kids get what they need - not what they want!!!!!!!!!!

Good fun doesn't need to cost alot, and your newborn doesn't need to go to school for 4-5 years.... don't get stressed about it!!

[Marne]

Hi my Dss was 11 when dd1 was born, he was very jelous before the birth, as soon as he came to visit after the birth his brother and sister came running in to see the baby but he did'nt want to know, i took the baby out of the bedroom and just handed her to him and said 'this is your little sister', he held her all day and nobody else got a look in.

I know my dss was a bit older than yours but could you let him help with bathing, feeding, changing etc?

[HPY]

Hiya, nice to have some feedback thank you. I think I might be being a bit over protective with my first child who is 4 mnths old having read your replies! I have only let DSS hold baby when sat down & never thought about bath or nappy changes and haven't let him hold baby since he showed signs of being jealous as I thought he might hurt him!!! Seems silly now- whenever his dad held baby DSS would sit on him or just try to get attention and wanted to hold the baby or push the pram so we would say well done & not coz he wanted to get close to baby so I got worried- think I really overreacted! The ideas are great - will try them. Is there any thing else we can do?

I do think we do the right thing but want them to really enjoy time with dad and not think we are telling them what to do all the time as time is so short anyway! Hey ho, suppose we will just have to get on with it.

Yes, I am a very highly strung new mum!!

Before baby came we were okay - never very cuddly or anything but had great respect for each other. I think Dss just thinks new arrival is a bit of a threat to his relationship with dad understandably- dad has spent time with him on his own but still seems jealous - is it just a matter of time or what else can we do? I am worried he will not grow up close to my son or resent him- trying to avoid this.

Should I get involve in discipline or just take a back seat and be a friend letting my DH do it? What do you think role of Step-parent should be?

[Marne]

I try and disipline them but usualy ask dh for back up, when they are in my house i try and treat them as i would treat my own. I have 3 step kids ,2 boys 15 and 11 ,and one girl aged 9, i find i get along with the eldest better than the other 2 and he was the one we had the most problems with whilst pg with dd1.

Im sure in time things will get better, let him help and be the helpful big brother.

[poltesco]

hi hpy
i have 3 dsc zoe 16, matt 13 and adam 12.your story of the different rules at other house all sound so familar. i had exactly the same prob with food, t.v ,bedtimes ,playstaion and dicipline as you. i had good long chat with dh and we set down what we wanted, are house rules to be from the start and promised to back each other up!
but tbh it was me that did most of the dicipline as dh felt he wanted quality time with his kids and not the nasty dad. but i didn't mind and it got alot easier much less of a struggle. its been over 9yrs now and the dscs just except what we say goes, we never get the mum lets us do that at our house anymore!!!!
we've just had a dd 6months and the dsc adore her. i was extremly warry at 1st but you just have to go with the flow!
just keep to your guns i promise it does get easier