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dont know what to do with ss's behaviour

(19 Posts)
glendathegoodwitch Mon 28-Jul-08 14:38:08

oh has 2 ds from a previous (10 + 8) i have ds (9) from a previous and we have dd (2) together.

ss have been staying over every other weekend since we got together over 3 years ago now after all this time i look at my relationship with ss's and i find that the youngest is sweet, looks after his stuff, respects his property, others property and other people, shows remorse if he's been a little naughty but never had any major problems with him. he gives me a cuddle before bed and is always polite and happy to chat with me,

however the eldest i am at the point where i could quite happily never see him again ( i know how awful that sounds and know he will always be apart of my life) his behaviour is just weird and not at all what i have ever experienced.

he used to bed wet regulary - not a problem have explained to just jump in shower get changed and take bedding down for wash no big deal - would never do that preferring to sit in wet bed/jamas.

he hasnt wet the bed for about 6mths now but has now turned into him soiling himself (wet & dirty) at least once almost every time he is here and then either hiding his shorts/jamas in my sons drawers or whilst they are playing in garden or so haing one of the others coming in saying he stinks?? we have tried the softly have you got upset tum/lets not do this/whats wrong route to the other end of the spectrum of really telling him off and telling him it is not acceptable.

i do most of the parenting whilst they are here as oh works nights and i do all the housework so it is me that has to deal with the mess and i am now at the point where i dont want this dirty little sod in my house - why is he doing it? their toilet behaviour isnt the best anyway and we often have to remind them that whatever they may do at home it is not going to be allowed here (not flushing loo/ weeing over seat/ not wiping properly)

i honestly believe the eldest ss is ADD but oh wont mention it to ex and she cant be arsed with them as it is, i have tried for over 3 years to be as fair as possible to the 2ss and to give them everything my son gets and always make birhtdays and christmas as fun as possible and all i get in return is a kid that looks through me everytime i talk to him and pays no notice to what i say and has filty habits!!!

i would really like to have the youngest ss over for days during holidays etc.... but i cant offer to have him and not the eldest

i am so sorry for the rant and i know you may think i am an evil witch but i have tried everything in my power to be friends to this child but he is like a robot and is only interested in xbox, gameboy etc...

any suggestions on how to deal with this behaviour?? i have asked OH to speak to his mother but she can never arrange a time for them to meet up to discuss the kids

posieflump Mon 28-Jul-08 14:41:51

'dirty little sod 'sad
have you considered taking him to the doctor?

edam Mon 28-Jul-08 14:44:03

Please don't punish him for soiling himself. It's very likely to be something outside his conscious control - or something he can't stop without help. And it's a sign that he is very unhappy about something.

It's not surprising that he's protesting if he's aware that you don't like him. Of course you feel fed up, but please try to be kind. He's still only a little boy and he's had a lot to get through. Bad enough for your parents to split up, even worse if your father's not even around during contact visits.

It's worth looking up the website for InContact (changing their name to the Bladder and Bowel Federation) and seeing if there is any info there that could help you. Or calling their helpline just to see if you can get some insight into his behaviour.

witchandchips Mon 28-Jul-08 14:51:02

tbh it seems as if he is really unhappy about something. Your OH really needs to talk to his XP about it.

glendathegoodwitch Mon 28-Jul-08 15:00:12

thanks for the replies!!!

i can't take him to doctor i'm just the step mum lol i have urged Oh to talk it over with ex but she isnt fussed baout the kids and he can only do so much

OH is around and does spend quality time with both ss

we have spent many hours sitting him down and asking if anything is bothering him or if he wants to talk about anything but he if anything he isnt bothered by what he does not embarressed or shows remorse except other than hiding the evidence

we initially thought he was soiling him self because he got too "into" the xbox gameboy etc but even if we limit the use it still happens

they annoying thing is we have explained that accidents happen and as long as he deals with it by telling dad or me or by sorting himself out (he has access to shower, towels clean clothes everything he needs) then at least he is acting his age but instead he leaves the bed stinking and wet and dirty pant lying around for my daughter to put on and come downstairs in (it was this that has made me livid) i will not have my daughter exposed to this

but what do we do? take him to the toilet every 30 minutes and make him change in front of us?? we are certainly not out to humiliate him just for him to take responsibility for this behaviour.

OH and ex split up years ago when he was about 4 and his dad has always maintaned contact and done everything he can to be a good dad (which he is) but if at 8 & 9 the other 2 boys in the family can take responsibility of behaviour and learn what is acceptable behaviour and what is not then why shouldn't the 10 year old??

MsDemeanor Mon 28-Jul-08 15:03:26

You sound as if you think this little boy has special needs. In that case your husband has to step up to the plate, take responsibility and help his son. You have a lot on your plate with four children to look after with not much help, so I'm not asking you to do more. But you talk about a boy of ten taking responsibility and I think his father needs to take some. He CAN take his son to the doctors to talk about the soiling and his behavioural difficulties. He CAN talk to his son's school and to his ex.

scorpio1 Mon 28-Jul-08 15:04:44

you can take him to the doctor - i take my ss.

witchandchips Mon 28-Jul-08 15:08:34

He's either cross and doing this as a kind of sub consious protest against the world which is making him unhappy or there is some kind of physical/developmental problem there. Either way you as a stepmother cannot help. His father needs to take him to see some-one professional + inform rather than consult his ex if she really is that useless.

You sound as if you are one of the few people in this boys life that can be bothered with him + are on his side. It would be a shame if this problem was left so long that your patience ran out and he would loose your support

good luck but your OH needs to sort it out

TotalChaos Mon 28-Jul-08 15:11:33

agree with other posters. this lad needs to see a doctor - as either there's a physical problem or psychological problem behind soiling in a child of this age.

MsDemeanor Mon 28-Jul-08 15:13:32

And yes, you can take him to the doctor. Your husband can give you 'permission' to do so.
It's not normal to soil at his age, so there is either a psychological, physiological or development reason why it is happening.

catsmother Mon 28-Jul-08 15:14:58

I TOTALLY understand your frustration, particularly when something like this starts to adversely effect the other (younger) children too.

BUT your DH is the main problem here. His refusal to seek a solution with his ex is ridiculous. Does he want his son to stay like this for the foreseeable future ? ...... he may grow out of it (whether it's a physical or emotional problem) but then again he might not, and it's utterly unfair to do nothing while you have to deal with most of it in his absence.

Perhaps he fears confronting his ex. If she is the obstructive, non-communicative, point-scoring sort of ex, then maybe he doesn't want a row, or for her to badmouth him to the skids in "revenge" for him having dared "question" her parenting, but if that is the case, there is no reason whatsoever why he cannot take his own son to the doctor, with or without his mother's co-operation.

Do you know if he does this at home too ? If he does, then what on earth is his mother doing about it ? .... and why isn't she discussing it with your OH ? If he doesn't do it at home, then that points to a psychological issue, for which counselling might be recommended by the GP.

I feel really sorry for you, but your OH has got to deal with this responsibly ..... by all means, do the talking first, but as that clearly isn't working, he has got to step up his efforts - and quickly.

scorpio1 Mon 28-Jul-08 15:15:05

btw, i don't think you're evil; i find it hard being a stepmother and tbh wish i wasnt one. my dh is not v supportive of me - ss is here and i am saddeled with him from 8-6 every day, then dh will take him home on saturday, having seen him for 1 whole day. i already have 3dc, inc a 14 wk old.

glendathegoodwitch Mon 28-Jul-08 15:15:09


my husband does take responsibility and spends a lot of time with the eldest ss (the eldest is very clingy and craves his attention constantly) and always makes time for what you been upto at school/home, anything bothering you chats and has brought it up with ex on a few occasions but she wont commit to meeting up with OH in a neutral place (her doorstep isnt the best place for indepth discussion) but she always makes an excuse

she told him a few months back that ss was being referered to school psychologist but whenever he asks for updates she says they are waiting for an appt

i will speak to OH and see about the possibility of him taking ss to the doctors

this is the biggest and most stressful problem we have with ss but there are many other behaviours that are not of the average 10 year old

trying to find any link with soiling to add

scorpio1 Mon 28-Jul-08 15:17:57

my ds1 is dyspraxic and does some strange behaviours, including not being great at the toilet...just a thought, esp as you said you think he may be on the spectrum?

TotalChaos Mon 28-Jul-08 15:21:52

it can be several months wait to see a child psychologist, I would be inclined to believe his mother about that.

ElenorRigby Mon 28-Jul-08 16:25:12

Poor SS and poor you Glenda and the other kids,what a distressing situation. I showed DP this thread who immediately said...
*If SS is hiding what he has done he's obviously embarrassed
*SS needs medical help ASAP
*It is the responsibility of SS's mum and dad to help him. As a stepparent you have no parental responsibility which ties your hands. If mum is not sorting this out, dad needs to, though ideally they should work together for their sons best interests.

Does dad have parental responsibility (PR)?

"According to current law, a mother always has parental responsibility for her child. A father, however, has this responsiblity only if he is married to the mother or has acquired legal responsibility for his child through one of these three routes:

* (after December 1 2003) by jointly registering the birth of the child with the mother
* by a parental responsiblity agreement with the mother
* by a parental responsiblity order, made by a court"

He needs PR to get SS treated and have access to school reports.

As for the behaviour in the mean time...why not try posting the bare details of SS's behavior in MN's behavior/ development forum
Id leave out the details of your frustration or comments about ss being a dirty little sod, you dont want to get flamed!

charitygirl Mon 28-Jul-08 16:41:12

Could you put it in Health too - there was a thread there last month from a mother whose OP was SO similar to yours - concern turned to irritation etc.

She got some amazing advice, her DD had a v common condition that meant she wasn't unable to tell when she was going to poo, therfore really couldnt help soling herself. The DD always denied there was a problem but once the mum had the right info They were able to make great progress v quickly.

As step mum you can't initiate visits to GP etc which are needed but you could educate yourself and let DP know. and then put the pressure on. Please find the other thread (although you will probably cry I warn you!) and do it for the little boy's sake!

On the off chance it isn't a physical problem, it still needs dealing with and the GP is still the best place to start.

MsDemeanor Mon 28-Jul-08 17:06:39

Actually a stepmum CAN legally take a child to the doctors. Anyone with parental responsibility can delegate that responsibility to someone else. So just as you give the school or nursery or childminder permission to do things, so you can delegate your PR to your partner. the only issue would be if this would seriously piss off the child's mother and cause problems with contact etc.

jammi Wed 30-Jul-08 13:19:04

Message withdrawn

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