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Has anyone else not got a great relationship with their SC, not awful just not close at all

(14 Posts)
CrushWithEyeliner Fri 04-Jul-08 19:35:29

It seems like all the other SM I know (one) are close and have a good relationship. That is not me and sometimes I really wonder what I have done so wrong.
I have two SC who are early and mid-teens and I tried like buggery at the beginning to make them like me and took a super interest in them, however over the years I have only really had reason to think they DISliked me, no matter what I did so I started to just back off a little and see what happened.
They have moved to another part of the UK which means visits are few and far between. When they come now it is painful; SD simply doesn't talk, they don't ask DH anything about what has been going on or talk about anything relevant it is just small talk. When DD was first born they were actually really sweet and interested. Now they just give her blank stares, it is so odd I have never known anyone not to say hello to a baby. It is almost like something has happened we don't know about, something to make them quiet and uncommunicative with DD. DH has no contact with their Mother due to a intensely awful relationship and has always dealt with them directly after age 12 so we are unable to gather any real info about their lives which they are v secretive about.
I don't know what I want really, I just wondered if anyone else has a similar situation. I think we are destined to be very distant, which is fine if that's what they want, but I have done so much to make them like me it does not seem to make sense.

scorpio1 Fri 04-Jul-08 19:39:40

Hi my dss is 6 and i do not feel close to him at all. He is so different to my dc i just cannot get close; i don't know if i even want to.

I have 3dc of my own; maybe i feel i have enough? I don't know. I find being a stepmother very hard indeed.

CrushWithEyeliner Fri 04-Jul-08 19:45:10

it is v hard scorpio - have you tried to get close?

scorpio1 Fri 04-Jul-08 20:03:43

i did in the beginning, but now he spends more time at home because of school (lives 300 miles away)it gets harder. He is allowed to do many a thing i dont allow my dc; i find that hard. he has little manners and can actually be very rude, i spend the whole time he is here re-training him, lol.

DH is good to dss and to support me; but tbh i think he is slowly feeling like me.

jammi Fri 04-Jul-08 22:54:00

Message withdrawn

2rebecca Sat 05-Jul-08 15:05:48

I think if stepkids visit infrequently and you came into their lives late it's hard to have a close relationship. They just don't need you. Having said that if when my stepkids came they were uncommunicative I would ask their dad to have a chat to them, and also to take them out without me in case they loosen up a bit with him when I'm not there. He's the one who needs to have a good relationship with them, it doesn't really matter if mine's a bit formal.
I get on OK with my teenage stepkids, they just prefer spending time with their dad, which is understandable as my son prefers just being with me, also teenagers don't want to spend much time with their parents and adults anyway they'd rather hang out with their friends.
I don't comment on my stepkids manners and hate it when my husband comments on my son's. I think that definitely alienates kids and should come from the parent not the stepparent, I also think adults are more tolerant of their own kids foibles than other kids' including stepkids and as stepparents we need to be aware of that and not nit pick all the time.

mistressmiggins Sun 06-Jul-08 20:07:28

My DSD lives with her dad and stays with her mum once a fortnight. Therefore although we dont live together, she has a constant relationship with her dad & I am an extention once a fortnight at weekends.

I get on with DSD (11) fine - she has more respect for me than her dad shock BUT I am consistant in my parenting so she now knows after 2 yrs what I will or wont tolerate.

Its still hard though but I think that is more down to her age. When she is with me & my DCs, I absolutely treat them all equal. The only thing I dont do is hug her but thats cos she doesnt like it, and the odd time I do hug her, she is quite stiff....but same with her dad so it's nothing personal.

CrushWithEyeliner Sun 06-Jul-08 20:19:20

Thanks all - I can relate Jammi. I think I kind of "gave up" a while ago tbh when Their Mother spoke to DH on the phone and said they basically didn't like me in so many words.
I had just given birth practically and was being bitched about for various things. They had obviously told her some horrid things all of them untrue and twisted situations. All the while they were being super nice to me and that hurt it really did. After so many years of being nothing but nice and turning a blind eye to the tantrums and sarcastic comments, DSD was sarcastic to me at 6 and I remember being saddened for her. It has been tough - nice to know it's not just me.

Malibugirl Mon 07-Jul-08 08:17:23

I find it very hard and would love to say that I have a close relationship with my DSC (19, 11 and 10) but I dont.

I have tried so hard for 6 years now, have tried to treat the children as though they were my own and have always looked out for them and stuck up for them. I have always been the one who buys their presents for them, buys the food I know they like when they come to stay and arranged treats and outings for theme etc.

I have had various knock backs from them including tantrums (expected), being sworn at, being insulted, the usual "you are not my mum" comments (expected), being punched in the face, kicked, spat at etc. Along with the lack of manners which they show me i.e. never a thank you or a please and it is always DH that gets thanked for Xmas presents not me even though they are from both of us. Christmas cards only made out to DH not to me etc. I have never been shown any affection, no cuddles, kisses or even had a birthday card or picture done for me. They dont involve me in any conversation or games.

DSS (19) is just awful at the moment to both of us, but that is because of his age and other factors which I guess is to be expected at that age.

I just dont know what I have done wrong. I was not the "other woman" or anything like that and in fact I didn't get with DH until 2 1/2 years years after he split from their mother (they were not married). DSS (11) and DSD (10) have actually known me and DH together longer than they knew DH and their mother together, so I dont understand quite why I am not accepted.

DSS (11) is a real daddys boy and clings to him all the time. DH has got to the stage now where he doesn't show me any affection in front of them as DSS seems to get a bit jelouse. Before now, I have been holding DHs hand and have even been pushed out the way by DSS so hd can hold his hand instead! I do feel quite alone when the DSC are around, which I think is terrible.

I dont think it helps that they live so far away (over 200 miles - so 800 mile round trip to have them for a weekend) so we are only able to have them once a month. DSD is a real mummys girl and her mother has to force her to come with us each month as she would rather stay at home (DSD has told us that as has her mother). I am pretty sure she has been alienated against us as she is awful with me, but just as bad with DH. In the 6 years I have known them, she has never once kissed or cuddled her daddy and she wont even hold his hand, which I find very sad.

Despite all this, I am determined to stick with it, still show them I love them, still treat them as though they were my own and hope that one day they will realise that I will always be there for them despite how I have been treated.

newforold Thu 10-Jul-08 17:20:02

I'm not close to SD but tbh she is very jealous of the setup in our home so i wouldn't expect to be. I would like to have a better relationship with her but i feel it would be unfair to push it so i don't.

She has a fairly fractured life at home with her mum and stays with us every weekend and all hloidays to get some stability.
In her mums house there are two step siblings and another on the way.
In our house there is my dd who is the same age as her.
She often says she wants to just live with her dad and not have me and dd there as well. I think that is because she doesn't get his undivided attention when she is here, but is treated exactly the same as dd.
There is a lot of attention seeking behaviour and general spitefulness but like i said, that's probably down to jealousy and other than leave i can't really make that better for her.

2rebecca Fri 11-Jul-08 12:11:56

Does she have time with her dad on his own? I think this is important and I try and have some time with just me and my son when he's with us and husband has time with his daughter when she's with us. Insisting on doing everything "as a family" often doesn't work with non-nuclear families.

fizzbuzz Sun 13-Jul-08 21:40:05

2rebecca, What a wise comment-Insisting on doing everything "as a family" often doesn't work with non-nuclear families.
Step families and sdc are very differen to all one family. It makes it fragmented and awkward sometimes, but everyone needs more space in step families.....

I have 2 dss. One is 22 and whilst never hostile, I just don't feel I have any real connection at all. Quite often he ignores me hmm Dss 2 is completely different, and I feel much more connected to him. Sometimes it is just down to personality

BrownSuga Sun 13-Jul-08 23:44:54

I'm glad to read your comments here, makes me feel less strange. I too tried with DH's DD in the beginning, but really couldn't click with her or warm to her. I backed right off, and now we just kind of exist together, which is fine. And forces her Dad to be a father, which is better for them too.

newforold Mon 14-Jul-08 12:44:44


yes dsd has one night during the week on her own with partner and saturday morning every week at a sports activity.
They do get plenty of time alone.

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