Feeling depressed re stepson.Please reassure!

[cornflake]

I feel really down about our circumstances again today. My ss came back from a weekend from his mums. He stunk to high heaven (which is fairly regular). Theres no way he was prompted to get a wash and change his clothes whilst there. He comes back at 7pm on Sunday and once again he hadn't had a cooked meal all day, just a sandwich at dinnertime. It makes me angry that he doesn't even get basic care whilst there. Am I being picky? Shouldn't a 14 year old be fed properly for the only two days in a fortnight he goes?
He's quiet and has barely taken any notice of his baby brother. I am sad that he doesn't take much notice of his baby brother when he comes back. Its like he's so pre occcupied with how his time at his mums has been that he can't give anything to anyone else for a while. Yet he's unusually helpful when he gets back on Sundays. (does odd jobs without being asked). He doesn't play with his brother until later in the first week back after he's kind of settled in again.
Over the weekedn we had a letter from school saying he'd been involved in vandalising a fence with some other lads. We've just told him he'll have to take the schools punishment and he knows better than to get sucked into doing stupid stuff. Of course he keeps protesting he didn't do anything but we're just not getting into an arguement with him about it.
His mum is phoning / texting him everyday at the moment. I mean its quite nice to have that commitment from her but what's going on in his head? This is a new thing. He's always been able to phone her when he wants but has never bothered.
He is so hard to reach. He has told lies about his mums for years covering up the reality of his life there. Lies come second nature to him and we can't trust him.
He stole from us a few weeks ago and went off for four hours after he was told to get the money back out of his bank account. He phoned his mum to fetch him (Right you've told me off, I'm off to live with my mum line). Fortunately she told him he shouldn't be stealing and to go home. He has talked to her about living there but she said she thinks its only when he's been bollocked about something. I got the impression she wouldn't want the hassle but my ss obviously wants to believe she wants him living there. He's even checking the paper for rented houses so she can move closer (avoid changing schools). Yet we said to him why doesn't he go longer in the holidays if he wants to spend more time with her and then see how he feels. Yet he has chosen to go for shorter then usual this half term.
I've asked for a connexions worker for him at school.
I feel helpless in this situation and I'm fed up of her neglect. There is a history to this which is on another message.

[kernowcat]

Not sure what I can say to help, just know your not alone! My two are always saying they want to live with their Dad. Its heartbreaking but used to it now. Don't know your history but good luck.

[otto]

Hi cornflake, I don't know your history, but it seems as if you have a huge amount of responsibilty for somebody else's child. I don't envy you one bit. I am a part-time step-mum and find that hard at times. I do sympathise about the neglectful BM. Whenever my sd comes to stay with us she is filthy, her hair is greasy her clothes need washing and she has never been fed. Dp and I find it very upsetting. She is pre-pubescent and only 9, so can't really be expected to take responsibilty for her appearance. BM recently let sd go to swimming lessons in a vest and pants because she said that she couldn't buy a swimming costume anywhere. This is a woman who lives about 20 minutes from the West End and has all the time in the world to go shopping. I had to take sd up to town myself at the weekend and buy her a swimming costume as there was no way I would allow her the humiliation of swimming in underwear.

As for your ss not playing with his brother, I think that's probably quite normal. Whenever sd comes over she is excited to see her brother, but within a few minutes she wants to get on and do her own thing without interruption from a 10-month old.

[Asasca]

It's so upsetting, very hard to be a step parent.
My SD & SS only come on Fridays now as their mum is so controlling. She always told my husband that she would eventually stop the children coming, she has lived up to her threat for sure. Even though she didn't want him she didn't want him to have anyone else. When you are up against people like that what can you do?? The latest thing is that they are mad with ME because I want to know their mothers business!! NOT I only want to get on with them!! This is almost 8 years down the line now.[SAD] what are we to do??

[valleygirl]

Poor you asasca - makes me so grafeul to be in a sitaution where everyone is very friendly and civil and the kids interests are what are most important. But I tell you what if their mum tried to stop us from seeing the kids I'd be strongly encouraging my dp to do what Anniemac says - get the courts straight on to it, I wouldn't hesitate for a second.
Good luck to you.
And Cornflake - poor you and your poor ss who's been neglected and treated so poorly by his mum, he sounds so desperate for her love that any kind of contact with her will do, no matter how unrewarding. And you then suffer. I am sure that when he's out of these awkward teenage years he will realise once again what a constant source of love and care you have been for him. It sounds like he still needs some very definite boundaries, no matter how hard it is for you and how much he may resent you in the short term. so long as he can always feel confident that you will always be there for him it should all turn out ok.

[Asasca]

Thanks for your messages, we've always been told that the courts will not make the children come here, though we're only about a mile away!! They are 15 & 12 now, are they not old enough yet to see how she is controlling them? An example of what she's like & how she controls them, last year we asked if they would like to go to Spain on hols with us, SS says yes (he's desperate for a plane ride) SD says no, although Mum had told her 'not to worry about her home all on her own with a broken heart'!! Plus that in other countries they dont speak English. Does any one else think that is emotional blackmail or am I being to harsh?

[reflection]

Harsh!?? No way. Selfish woman.

[reflection]

Or jealous...

[Bozza]

She's told her DD that they won't speak English in Spain to put her off going on holiday? Have I got that right? The broken heart bit is definitely emotional blackmail, the not speaking English in Spain sounds like a spiteful lie. Very sad for the DD though.

[Asasca]

Bozza, you have got it right,she did tell her 11 year old that about them not speaking English in Spain. We are both fed up with the trouble she always causes. I have an X myself & hav 2 sons with him, though we have never been like this, e have always got on for the sake of the boys. Even though we are divorced, surely this is the civilised way to be??