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both my dss and dsd want to come live with my partner me and our children, HELP ADVICE NEEDED!!!

(5 Posts)
sleepytinkerbell Mon 24-Jan-05 17:03:54

I could really use some advice here ladies, cutting a long (7 year story) short, my two step kids age 14 and 13 have just told us how miserable they are at home with thier mum and they want to come and live with us. I love them dearly but...... i have a almost 5 year old and a 5 month old baby and there are so many reasons that it wouldnt be easy, i cant see how i can say no, yet i cant see how it would be good for everyone. Im scared that if it doesnt work out a) they will have nowhere good, happy and safe to be and will have been let down yet again and b) it could damage my relationship with dp let alone the effects on our little ones. We are used to a certain way of life which does not include 24/7 teenagers. what do i do? I feel so torn and yet also see how even more torn my dp is? their mother is (and has always been) incredibly selfish and does the minimum for them, spends little time with them and from what they are saying the little time they do spend together is just full of shouting and screaming either between the kids and her or her and her fiance. Any advice ????

Hawaiiangal Sat 09-Apr-05 15:51:16

HI I am very happy you love your Step children but this age is a terrible age. The teenager at this age if they are boy crazy and or have set ways on there up bringing you will end up with a destroyed marriage. You could try to draw up rules and regulations and all the above requirements to follow and maybe even have them sign off on it that the minute your rules are broken is the day things will change back to how it was. Hang in there. Maybe you have angel step children and they will be a help with the little ones. Read my posted message on stepparenting. Take care.

beansprout Sat 09-Apr-05 15:58:05

STB - I know how you feel as I was faced with similar a couple of years ago.

What are the current arrangements? Is it the standard every-other-weekend set up? If so, could that be changed in some way for them to spend some more time with you?
There are a million things to consider if they were to actually move in with you. For starters you will need more space as it wouldn't just be weekend things you would need to accomodate. There are schools to consider, what contact they do want with their mum etc etc. I'm saying that there is a huge discussion to be had before anyone can even begin to make a decision.

Also, I'm not sure it if is healthy for skids just to move if they ask to. It's not always easy to live with other people, whether they are your partner, parents etc. It may not be helpful in the long run if they are taught they can just leave if they don't like it.

I think it is really, really important that you tell you partner how you feel. This is much more complicated than good intentions no matter how much he may want to just say "yes" to what his children want.

Please keep posting, and I wish you the best of luck with this as it really is not easy.

beansprout Sat 09-Apr-05 15:58:49

OMG - sorry, I didn't see how old the original post was!!!

How are things - how did it all work out??

gothicmama Sat 09-Apr-05 16:05:20

No advice but try and put yourself in their position their dad an ace stepmum and half siblings are part of a great family, they on the otherhand are ignored or shouted at.
Perhaps discuss ground rules or perhaps accept they are your dp's children and they are part of your family and living in your family could benefit them enormously

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