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Advice needed on a bad situation and the best thing to do?

(31 Posts)
sadstoryhelp Sat 15-Jan-05 21:18:45

Firstly i have changed my name for this as it needs to stay private and i dont know who is reaading this.

This is going to be long so please be patient and i will try my best to write what i am feeling in the best posible way!

I have a SS and he lives with his mother about 4hrs from where myself, his father and our children live. He has been through more than many 6 year olds in his life including the worst imagined. I have been in my SS's life for 5 years now and have been through all of these many bad and traggic times with himself and my dp.
He has quite a bad time at his mothers house and does not get the best of care i don't want anyone to think i have anything against his mother as i don't as i have never met her but have heard alot about her and obviously have been here when all this bad news has been told to myself and my dp by my dp's parents.
My dp's parents are very very very close to my ss and he looks at them as more of a mother and father than a grandma and grandad some may say this is wrong but in my eyes and dp's it is the best thing for him. he adores them.

Ok there have been many bad incidents in the past that have been explained to us over the phone by my dp's parents as they also live 4 hrs away from us where my ss lives so they see him every weekend unlike ourselves!
The last time i heard some bad news form them (because it used to be very frequent at one stage) i promised myself i would have to do something about it. Now this time has come i have come to a hault and dont know what to do about this last incident!
The situation stands like this. My dp had a fling when he was 19 with my ss's mother and she fell pregnant! she was not only sleeping with y dp so he was unsure if the child was his. He was also having a bad time as he had just gone into rehab as he had a drug addiction! she was also Young and her mother used to let her walk the streets till 3am!
Anway he never saw her through the pregnancy as he was not sure if the child was his or not. then when the baby was born (my gorgeous ss) her mother phoned my dp's parents and said would they like to come and see him! they went to see him still not knowing if the baby was my dp's. As soon as they saw him they believed it was my dp's as he was the spitting image of my dp when he was a baby! Life went on from there bad times and good! they never got together as a couple and she used to banned my dp from seeing his soon which broke my dp in half as he wanted to be aprt of his life and wanted him to know who his dad was!
Eventually her mother used to let my dp's family see him on the sly as she did not believe it was doing my ss any good him not seeing his dad and she believed her daughter was just doing this out of spite!

My dp'd situation is now he has always been in his sons life apart from on and off for the first year but now he is allowed to see him! his name is not on the birth certificate and my dp pays no money to his mother as she has been known to spend it on getting driunk and nights out. We buy him clothes toys pay for football training and anything he needs like school uniform etc as his mother says she cant afford it as she only gets so much benefit.
Anway i am very sorry to admit this but she totally neglects ss and never ever takes him to school! she does not wash his clothes,cut his hair, or take him anywhere!

She also has a dd from another relationship whos father is not around either her dd is 2.

The latest news today is that ss has not been to school and the truent officer has been round to see his mummy!
My dp's parents say ss has only been to school twice since christmas!
SS has told grnadparents that he has not been to school as mummy does not get out of bed till 4pm in the afternoon and she is with her boyfrined sleeping.
Dp's parents question was who looks after you and your baby sister (no names) then. his answer was a pointing finger to himself and an innocent "ME" bless him. He said he makes his breakfast and has to give his siter (2) a bottle of milk! until mummy gats out of bad at about 4pm.

Dp's parents said that SS's mother is looking very very skinny and they are afraid that she is taking drugs again!

I really need advice now on what to do as we do not know where to turn we are Really really worried for ss/ds health safety and education! What would you do? We can not speak to his mother as if we saying anything her words are dont interfere or you will not see ss/ds again!

Should we call social services ? or not? who can we talk to for advice without mentioning names? if social services get involved will they take ss/ds away ? We dont want to mess things up for ourselves or dp's parents as it will break our hearts if this happens but how much longer can we keep hitting this hurdles and just keep jumping over them? it cant go on! its tearing me apart i am a very emotional women anyway and have strong beliefs about children and there up bringing i just want him to be safe, feel loved at home, and to be enjoying life like every other 6 year old!

We have suggested to his mother about 1 yr ago ...can ss/ds come and live with us? she said yes but then when we mentioned having to do it properly through the books she did not want to as she would lose her benefit! this just seems so unfair to keep him and make him suffer when he could be having a wonderful life with his dad and family.

Please i really need some help now as i dont know what to do i cant just leave it can i?

Sorry this was sooo sooo long i am just trying to get the whole picture across to you all because this really is a bad situation and i am knocking my head against walls trying to think of what to do

tillykins Sat 15-Jan-05 21:31:36

What a terrible situation for you all sadstory. I have no experience in this situation so cannot advise you from that angle, but what I would suggest is that you go and see a family solicitor for some advice and take it from there
I would guess it could be a long drawn-out process as I expect your dp would have to establish paternity first
Perhaps you could suggest to the mum that they come and live with you for two or three weeks to give her a break - she would keep her benefits then and not only would it strengthen your case, but she may well not push to get them back any time soon
Best of luck and bless you for caring so much

sadstoryhelp Sat 15-Jan-05 21:35:29

thankyou tillykins. sorry i may have mislead people but ss/ds is my stepson and my dp's son so its only one child. the dd is not my dp's she has another father who is now in prison!
We could suggest what your saying and it sounds good but what about his schooling he will miss school even more as he lives 4 hrs away so we could not take him to school?

louee Sat 15-Jan-05 21:40:53

well sadstoryhelp first i want to say that all my luck is with you for this ,being a step parent myself i can see your worry,not only for you but for your Dp. this is a really hard problem and at first thought i'd say yes contact social services but then what will happen to both children being seperated will not help either of them and not knowing if your Dp will get automatic custody is daunting.maybe you should contact CAB or a freebie session with a solicitor to see where your Dp would stand with custody.Whatever you do please do what you think is best for the children and if the mother is back on drugs then what the hell will she care what happens to them (especially if she neglects them both now)...good luck anyway big hugs to you and your Dp xx

galaxy Sat 15-Jan-05 21:45:28

I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear this sad story. I'm a stepmum and have frustrations with things from time to time but this really is a horrible situation to be in.

I don't really know what to suggest other than to seek some advice from a family law expert. As for school, you could ask the school to provide some work that he could do at home with you.

sadstoryhelp Sat 15-Jan-05 21:50:44

i know what your saying and i cant believe this situation has got this bad. Over the years i just thought it would get better as this has become a big complication in our relationship but thats another story! i have stayed strong and my SS's mother did get better! but now has fallen into an even worse life style than before! i feel sad inside when we see SS he asks if he can come and live with us and crys when he has to go back to mummys it is ripping my heart into and i feel i just cant go on! My dp's parents tread very carefully on what they tell us because they know it will effect me and they know i will have to take this further! But i feel that my dp should know everything as it is his son! God i wish things could be normal i cant cope anymore

Its not only my dp's ds i worry for but his half sister too as after all she is just a baby and needs to be cared for!

sadstoryhelp Sat 15-Jan-05 21:53:12

thanks galaxy. all these words mean so much as i really am feeling it now! Do you think the school would allow this? my dp's parnets have got ss this weekend as they have him every weekend but they are going to keep him till monday this week instead of sunday and they are going to take him to school on monday and speak to the head master so i know he is safe now but god help him by tuesday!

galaxy Sat 15-Jan-05 21:56:41

It's certabainly worth asking the school. When ds was 6 and dh was a single dad, he was off for 2 weeks when dh was ill and stayed with my in-laws

The school provided some work for him then.

galaxy Sat 15-Jan-05 21:56:52

certainly even

PuffTheMagicDragon Sat 15-Jan-05 22:00:20

sadstory, I have no experience to offer, but your post is heartbreaking. This must be SO difficult for all of you who who love your ss, and as you say he has a baby sister who, it seems, he is looking after, when he is such a little lad himself .

If your dp seeks legal advice, he would at least know what his position is.

hunkermunker Sat 15-Jan-05 22:01:12

SSH, these children need to be looked after better than this. What would worry me about you taking your SS is that he would be separated from his sister and it sounds like he has a strong bond with her.

Is there any way you could offer to have them both for a few weeks? Like Tillykins says, you could do this on a casual basis to start with, then work out how you could keep him/them(?) for good.

Just had a horrible thought - what happens to SS's sister when he's with your DP's parents at the weekends if her mum isn't getting out of bed till 4pm? Poor little mite - dad in prison, mum on drugs - I want to look after her myself!

sadstoryhelp Sat 15-Jan-05 22:04:57

i know what your saying hunkermunker but that is no option with ss's sister as we have never met her and never even seen her! we are not allowed! ss does love his sister of course and would probably miss her but what can we do? we need to do the best for ss we cant just leave him there is well just because we cant help his sister!

I dont know what ahppens to his sister at the weekends ? i dread to think!

sadstoryhelp Sat 15-Jan-05 22:13:27

by the way ss's sister has never even seen her dad as he was banned from seeing her by the mother! he left when she was about 4 mths pregnant and then ended up in prison!

KBear Sat 15-Jan-05 22:14:55

Could the NSPCC help you with some practical advice. I had cause to phone them once about a child I was concerned about and was able to do so on a no names basis. They were reassuring and could possibly give you somewhere to start.

You sound like a great stepmum BTW. Having you in his life for however short a time will help him.

hunkermunker Sat 15-Jan-05 22:18:55

Then for your SS's sister's sake, you need to involve social services. The idea she's left in a state at the weekend makes my heart break.

I'd speak to a family law solicitor on Monday, ask your DP's parents if they can have your SS longer and try for custody of him. Would they be able to have his sister too? As a 'treat' for your SS's mum?

hunkermunker Sat 15-Jan-05 22:19:35

Yes, would echo KBear - you do sound like a lovely stepmum.

beansprout Sat 15-Jan-05 22:20:33

I agree that the NSPCC would be a good idea. I would also suggest that you and dp have a good talk about what you are willing and able to do for them both and be honest about what you are able to offer if it comes to it. Social Services may also be an option but my gut instinct is the NSPCC in the first instance.

aloha Sat 15-Jan-05 22:22:58

I think either you or your dp's parents should offer to have him 'for a holiday' of two or three weeks while you get advice on this. It sounds horrific.

jampots Sat 15-Jan-05 22:23:55

Could your ss's gparents move a little closer to ss if they have such a good relationship temporarily. It sounds like his mum needs some help to get back on the straight and narrow. In addition, could dp contact the school and ask to be kept informed ie. by reports, parents evening etc. My BIL recieves copies of his ds's report by post and always attends sportsdays, parents evening etc. I think ss's story is worth checking out though

2boysmum Sat 15-Jan-05 22:24:49

It sounds a terrible situation to be in but as you are all aware of what is happening either you and dp or dps parents have to take on responsibility to help both these children, a four year old cannot care for a 2 yr old and if anything bad happened to them you would never forgive yourselves, even if it is really ss's mum who is at fault. I'm sorry I dont have any suggestions as to the best course to take but I think you have to do something, if the school become aware of the situation they may involve social services anyway. Good luck to you both!

tillykins Sat 15-Jan-05 22:29:00

I may be talking rubbish here, but perhaps your local school would take him in for a few weeks if you explained he was staying with you for a little while? That would do him good and would also strengthen any case you had
As for his little sister, I want to just scoop her up and love her - it sounds just terrible, heartbreakingly so. I'm surprised the truant officer hasn't reported it to social services - and if he/she does, what will happen to your ss and his sister? I would "stake your claim" as quickly as you can
Sorry if I sound like I am scaremongering

sadstoryhelp Sat 15-Jan-05 22:37:23

thanks for all your help and dp's mum does go to school things i.e sports days and things like this not sure about parents evening though! his own mother does not always attend. my dp's parents are excellent and you could not ask for a btter set of grandparents in my opinion! they will sort this situation out i think!

they are going to the school on monday so i will have to see what happens then but i will call the nspcc on monday is well just for advice! We can not gurantee she is on drugs but it is our gut instict as she always used to get up and sometimes take ss to school! also they said she is looking very very skinny! but obviously we can not prove anything as of yet!
i just feel in a very no win situation and want to help but feel very helpless at the moment!
My dp is not a worrier like me and has 100% faith in his parents so he is not that worried he says his parents know all the signs and will always protect his ds and will take what ever levels to sort this out. I do believe this too but sort of feel my dp and myself need to take on this situation too! I am going to phone dp's mother tomorrow as i am very close to her and i will let her know my whole concerns and ask her what she thinks and how bad this situation really is! So far i only konw what i know as my dp spoke to his dad tonight quickly and he told him the situation but never finished the conversation!
God i hope this all goes ok! if i even began to tell you some of the incidents over the last few years you would not believe me! but i cant really post them as much as i would like to!

sadstoryhelp Sat 15-Jan-05 22:38:05

and not just that i "cant" but i am ashamed that this sort of stuff has gone on! and just passed!

sadstoryhelp Sat 15-Jan-05 22:41:27

well i dont know when the truent officer came round but it must have been in the last week so will have to get the update maybe S/S have been informed already (i pray) i do know that about 1 year ago S/S were called but by his own mother due to something terrible that happened! I dont think they will suspect anything though as off what happening in the house now as they were called about a situation that had happened to SS by someone else so hes mother was actually protecting him then!

sadstoryhelp Sat 15-Jan-05 22:43:16

Tillykins i will suggest to my MIL tomorrow about him coming here for a while and see what she says about that! see if she agrees and then i can find out about school or homework! I will have to travel and pick him up as i am the driver my dp does not drive and works fulltime!

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