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Looking at stepsons makes me worried genetically to have my own kids...

(47 Posts)
carproad Thu 06-Jan-05 12:38:52

Message withdrawn

Cha Thu 06-Jan-05 13:03:24

They sound like normal teenagers to me... I have 2 teenage step daughters and everything you say sounds about right. The good thing is I have known them since before they hit hormone hell and they were a lovely pair of bright, sweet, good mannered, affectionate and loveable girls. It's just a case of waiting until they are about 20 when the hormones have well and truly subsided and their real characters come back to us. Patience and forebearance (and a lot of lip biting) is what is required from us, the adults - just keep telling yourself they can't help it! If you can, read any of the studies into what happens to the average teenager when puberty strikes - especially what happens to their empathy levels and energy levels - it really helped me to if not exactly excuse their behaviour, to understand it a lot better. And think of it as good training for when your kids get to that age, because I promise you, they will be exactly the same. Only you will love them and this helps no end! Good luck x

nailpolish Thu 06-Jan-05 13:13:43

agree they sound like normal teenagers to me! when i was a teen the LAST place i wanted to go was a museum. but i like these things now.

Clare1406 Thu 06-Jan-05 13:30:26

Having same sort of problem with 3 SD's, age 12,16,&18. DH & ex split 9yrs ago, so affected the elder 2 a lot, as in would not behave for thier mother, so she gave up on them. Dh & myself have been together for 5 yrs this year we have DS together whos 3.4yrs. The eldest girl we don't see very often as at 18 they tend to outgrow parents, but the 16 yr old is absolute hell. She has a serious problem with discipline, respect for anything or anyone. But she also has a problem with her periods, thay last for about 2wks, & in that time she is violent, shout, screams, gats in to fights at school if people dare to look at her, girls & boys!
My arguement with DH is that DS sees her being like this, stroppy, demanding, vebally abusive to her dad & me, now DS smacks me when he doesn't get his own way, wherever we are!
Myself & DH are only just on speaking terms from New Years Day, over her & the 12yr old who seems to be growing hormones by the second.
Its very hard, coz i resent them for bahaving the way they do, i resent DH for not being strict enough, & i resent their mother for just being a totally useless, scrounging type of person!
I know it's hard for the girls too as they have to live by 2 sets of rules in their eyes. But their step-dad walked out just before xmas because of th 16yr old outbursts, she smashed a sliding mirroed wardrobe door, then kicked a hole in her bedroom door!
She need help, coz when we sit down & talk about what shes done, she doesn't remember some of it, & she is really sorry. I've recently started taking St Johns Wort coz i feel so low & lifeless, wondered wether to put her on it too for her hormones.

wild Thu 06-Jan-05 13:32:00

plus can't be great having a stepmother who 'really resents' you. Maybe go to one of those clinics where you can specify donor attributes?

Heathcliffscathy Thu 06-Jan-05 13:41:04

wow, poor stepkids.

nailpolish Thu 06-Jan-05 13:57:30

does no-one remember what its like to be a teenager?

tentunturq Thu 06-Jan-05 14:01:21

Poor lads. Not surprised they're emotionally needy.

Clare1406 Thu 06-Jan-05 14:05:44

This resentment has only grown the last 6mths.
We used to have the 16yr old live with us when she was 14, coz her mother couldn't control her. When she first came it was great, i would take to cinema, shopping, we to see Christina Aguilera, Black Eyed Peas, & Busted. She really changed & started to be a really responsible young lady. Then after about a year of being with us , she changed, think it was the friends she hangs around with, started smoking, & just generally not giving a toss. Then DH sebt her back to her mums. So all that we had done together seemed worthless. That was really hard for me as i had given her my full devotion coz thats what she lacked, & to have things thrown back in your face when they're not your children is even harder than when they are. Me & DH have bent over backwards for all 3 girls, & still just take. And i accept that when you love someone, you take them warts & all. But surely theres only so much you can stand.
Regarding 16yr old periods, dcotors have put her on 3 different pills, shes had a scan & they said maybe a D&C would 'do the trick' but that scared her, which is understandable. Now doctors just say, "she'll grow out of it"
Please don't think that i hate them or anything like that, but i'm the one who's been there for the girls in terms of a mother figure, i'm only 30. Real mother was alwyas too busy out to lunch, out to clubs, off to spain or france for the weekend with her latest friends.
But her now husband of 18mths has had enough.
I want to help her but i don't want it thrown back in my face. I've got my DS to think about too.
Please don't think bad of me. Just needed to get of my chest, beit a small one!!

hercyulelog Thu 06-Jan-05 14:07:37

I know hundreds of teenagers and they sound completely normal. Perhaps you need to rethink your own ttitude towards them.

Heathcliffscathy Thu 06-Jan-05 14:08:26

clare i was referring to the orignal post

hercyulelog Thu 06-Jan-05 14:15:31

Sorry, posts crossed. Trust me, this is t~@ypical teenage behaviour and can happen no matter how good or bad parenting is. They'll grow out of it and become l#ikabe human beings again.

wild Thu 06-Jan-05 14:19:18

referring to original post too

galaxy Thu 06-Jan-05 14:30:53

As a stepmum who's dss lives with dh, dd and I, I'm shocked that you could feel this way. Your poor step-kids. What a burden to you eh?

Shame you didn't think about this before you married their dad.

Clare1406 Thu 06-Jan-05 14:54:41

Hercyulelog, thanks for your words.

Dear galaxy, when you see your DH crying because his DD's treat him like a doormat, you tend to get a bit angry, and as i said when you love someone, & marry them you accept them whatever they are or have.
Didn't expect to be ridiculed for talking about the way i feel, i was hoping that someone could offer advice & tell me that this is normal.
I thought that was what MN was all about!!
Fortunately for me i had a great relationship with my mum & dad & always been brought up to give & take. So when people just take, take, take, it wears on your emotions a bit.
Obviously teenage girls are far different than boys as you're not experiencing the same thing.
And as i've also said, i want to help her & when shes upset or in trouble at school, it's me she tells not her mum. So i must have done something right?

Clare1406 Thu 06-Jan-05 15:01:29

Galaxy, i apologise if you think i'm having a go at you, i'm not. Please don't take it that way.

galaxy Thu 06-Jan-05 15:06:58

NOOOOOOOO!!!! I was replying to the original "genetic" message not yours.

My dss isn't perfect and at 12 he's a bloddy moody pre-buscent teenager - I sometimes feel guilty when I think his mother doesn't have to deal with the normal every day crap and just has the nice weekends.

Sorry - I really wasn't directing my comments at your message. IN fact, I only read the original one and posted in haste.

galaxy Thu 06-Jan-05 15:07:16

Oops - loads of typos

Carla Thu 06-Jan-05 15:12:50

Please be careful - someone was genuinely asking for advice. If you don't want to/can't offer it fine, but please try to keep your opinions to youself.

galaxy Thu 06-Jan-05 15:15:21

Was that aimed at me? I've already apologised for claire thinking my comments were to her.

I do however stand by my comments to carproad

Clare1406 Thu 06-Jan-05 15:21:43

Thanks guys. Am having hard time dealing with these feelings. So emotional the past 3mths, will cry at Eastenders!
Plus, think DS turning into Kevin & Perry!

edam Thu 06-Jan-05 15:35:32

Carla, the first poster put her comments in an open, public arena. She didn't hold back and made some pretty extreme statements about her step-kids. People are entitled to post their reponses - in fact the general tone has been quite reassuring, as it happens, I thought.

galaxy Thu 06-Jan-05 15:38:07

Clare - my ds is definitely a Kevin these days - He is so moody and confrontational. I'm suffering from stress so it's a red rag to a bull.

Hang in there

Clare1406 Thu 06-Jan-05 15:40:47

Message withdrawn

edam Thu 06-Jan-05 15:43:10

Nice post Clare1406

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