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What would happen if the worse thing tha could happen, happened....?

(18 Posts)
jojo38 Tue 09-Nov-04 22:08:18

Not a cheery subject - sorry but it has passed thro my mind and I just have to ask.

All Step Parents... I suppose step mums mainly -
God forbid, but if your partner passed away for some reason or another, do you reckon that your step children would keep in touch with you?

I apologise for the morbidity of this question - I am not sure that mine would. BM would certainly make it clear that would not happen.

How about you? what do you think would happen.. if....

jampot Tue 09-Nov-04 22:10:38

course they would - you'd have their inheritence

jojo38 Tue 09-Nov-04 22:15:21

You reckon? I don't even know if he's made a will... well, my inheritence ain't going to my skids... not knowing what will happen to it... LOL.

cardigan Tue 09-Nov-04 22:21:11

Yes this is correct jampot! but in my case inheritence completely taken away from me and siblings by stepmother. Would like to challenge this but no legal option as can't afford it. So now we've no money etc from our father or his family. Birth counts for nothing when you're up against the system and a stepmother. Her child has fully benefited wereas we, who lived a difficult childhood, have nothing!!

Slinky Tue 09-Nov-04 22:36:14

My dad and 1st Stepmother split up 5 years ago. It was very sad - I felt almost as bad as I did when my mum and dad split up.

Although she has moved away, I'm still in regular phone/email contact and she never forgets kids birthdays etc.


With regards to my dads/new stepmums financial situations and Wills - both myself and my step-sister are Executors of both my dads and Stepmums Wills.

My mum has made a Will and has recently rewritten it - apparently she's left everything to myself and brother and not her partner! Obviously he gets his 1/2 in their house - but as she's not in a particularly nice relationship, she's had a rethink.

jojo38 Tue 09-Nov-04 22:38:22

Cardigan.
I am sorry you are having troubles. I am not sure but I think it has a lot to do with wills??? I really don't know. There are so many *revised* families these days that new types of wills are brought out.

I couldn't tell you for sure because I am no expert... I wish I was then I perhaps could help you.

Thankfully my step kids won't suffer financially. They are particularly damaged elsewhere tho.

Hugs... XX

jojo38 Tue 09-Nov-04 22:49:37

Slinky, how old are you tho... I'm talking about 18yr olds, 10 yr olds who are still living with their mums/dads whichever way round it may be.

My dad was a stepson, there are two step brothers. My dads mum is still with us (just). Dad died a few yrs back now. Only One of my grandmothers step sons still keep in touch and do things for her, visits etc... The other may as well have fallen off the face of the earth.

My dad's step dad was the one with the dosh. My grandmother inherited it when he died... The house and belongings in it remain in her possession whilst she lives there. (part of the will).
Once the inevitable happens, the step sons will have first refusal on some belongings, the house will be sold and the proceeds split three ways.

My dad has now gone, so my mother will inherit his *share* of the house and what ever other belongings are allowed to be shared.

I think for that day and age (many many years ago - my g/ma is 98!!), this must have been one heck of a decision and devotion. Mind you, I don't think there was that much of a *relationship* between them. I don't think there was a BM either.
An easy family link compared to todays hurdles.... eh?

cardigan Tue 09-Nov-04 22:52:31

Thanks for message jojo38 - sometimes the situation just sort of hits me. Most of the time I just get on with everything but when I think of things like it would be nice to buy a house I come up aganist one reason why I can't. Also we got nothing from my fathers & family belongings - even no photos. It's not the big things that I miss just pictures of our childhood & the small token stuff that I remember & would have liked to pass to my kids. It is to do with wills. My father always had a will but when he passed away there was no will! A stepmum gets the house & eveything in it plus upto a certain amount of cash(forget this right now).
Anyhow - we've decided, due to no legal aid possible to just let it be. It's taken strength to do this. Many shocking features of StepMother's behaviour on the death of our father - someday will write a book about it or sell our story!!
Hope all is well with you. Best wishes xxx

reflection Wed 10-Nov-04 16:39:39

I am really shocked that these step mothers can be so callous. My dh and I have agreed that if he should pass away then I get to stay in the house but if I remarry then I release half of the value and split it between SD and SS. If I die without having any children of my own then my SD and SS can have all of it as I think that they need it more than any one I know. If I do have children with dh then the house and any money will be split between all of them equally. This is what I believe to be right and all children should benefit equally not just the most recent and born to the current relationship. I can not understand how stepmothers that take everything for themselves and their own can sleep at night.

JoJo38, I have often thought about whether the children would keep in contact. I just really hope that they would as I love them dearly and I hope that they know that I would always be there for them. But who knows? Blood is thicker than water. With the influence of BM that has always shown hostility maybe SD would walk away...

GRMUM Wed 10-Nov-04 16:48:32

Same thing happened to a friend of mine cardigan. Only child, her mum died and when her father died about 6/7 years later his 2nd wife got everything.. Hard to believe it can happen but it does.

Caligula Wed 10-Nov-04 16:53:32

One of the things that would make me very careful about getting involved in another serious relationship, is the issue of inheritance. I would want a cast iron guarantee that my assets would pass to my children in the event of my death.

It's not something many people seem to think about and maybe I'm very morbid, but I'm always amazed by how little thought people give to stuff like this. Guardianship as well. It's amazing how many people, particularly lone parents or those in blended families, don't make explicit, written provision about these sorts of issues.

jojo38 Mon 15-Nov-04 13:18:42

Guardianship is yet another issue with me caligula.

I agree reflection, it is a callous world. I have two children who get sweet nothing from their father, and I wouldn't expect any different from his or his new wife's family. My dh is expected to inherit a tidy sum... not any of my business, nor would I fight his children for it. We don't talk about it enough really.

Both of us have had help from each side (Parents) with part of our own inheritance... we were given an equal amount each fromour respective parents to put as a deposit on our house. There are proviso's however. Half of the amount given is to be paid into a trust for my children.

When my mum eventually goes, (oh how morbid) then her assets will be split between her three children (me and 2 brothers). There is an amount set aside for my children alone. IF I die before my dh, then what is mine is his... as usual. I will be making provisions for my own children for their future.
I am sure he is doing the same.

It is certainly a morbid topic... and I am sorry to have brought it up...

I was just interested in how many of our stepchildren would keep in touch - if the awful thing ever happened... All I can say is, I hope mine will.

Hugs

surfermum Tue 16-Nov-04 18:41:33

Going back to your original question about keeping in touch, I've thought about this too (why?). My SDs mother did her best to try to stop DH seeing his DD, and absolutely hates me so I am quite certain that she would not want contact with me to continue if anything happened to him.

We have our own DD and she and SD are extremely close, so I would have a lot of thinking to do about whether to go down the legal route, or leave it until SD was old enough to come to visit of her own accord.

Very sad to have to think like that. I would love us all to get on.

jojo38 Tue 16-Nov-04 21:35:52

Too true surfermum. (love the nickname!)

What a wonderful world it would be if everything slotted into place without a struggle.

I know it isn't the children's fault. They didnt' ask to get into the straggly bits of a stepfamily. I won't pressurise either of my skids... I do love them very much and I hope that one day they will come to love me too. My SD is now 18 and has grown into a beautiful woman yet she still has a lot to learn.... as we all do. She has been through the mill with her mum and dad splitting up, not to mention the aftermath and what it did to her. I am proud that she sorted her life out and hasn't ended up in a mental institution.
She once said that she loves me and my first year as a step mum, she went out and hunted for a step mum card for mother's day. I was so chuffed.
Over the years we see less and less of her. I have reason to mistrust her intentions but as long as she doesn't hurt anyone, then I will always respect her.

I will be sad if she doesn't stay in touch somehow. As for ss he is too young and immature to love me - I am sure he enjoys being here but doesn't necessarily open up to me yet. BM has far too much hold over him and I too respect that.

As for the money side of things... I haven't got anything yet, so sd doesn't want to know me as such (as she is playing her father like a fiddle) and well, ss is just ss.

A sorry state of affairs we end up in if we don't think about these things. It is sad to think about them and sometimes rather morbid but I believe we need preparing. We have gone through enough heartache becoming step parents. I believe that we don't need any more heartache IF the time happens.

Thanks for all your opinions... would like more if you feel you have any.

carproad Thu 06-Jan-05 13:08:39

I have often asked my h whether my stepsons would keep in touch with me if he died. He says "of course"...but I have my doubts. While I feel a duty to them (to educate and provide until adults) and some affection, I don't love them and don't have a lot in common with them and have no reason to suspect that they love me (although I know they look up to me and respect me.) One ss (15) is fairly self-centred and materialistic and might try to stay in touch because I have more in the way of assets than his mother (or father)...jaded view, but probably true.

As for wills: I have one, but my husband doesn't. I have provided a small sum for my ss's and my h will get the house and a bit more, but the rest is for my future kids and, until then, my siblings. My h doesn't know this, but the truth is that I feel much closer to my siblings than to his kids, and I feel that in leaving money to my h, I'm indirectly providing for his kids (which I feel duty-bound to do) but I really don't like their squanderous attitude towards money and would rather see the rest of my estate go to my siblings whom I have known and loved from childhood. Also, i know my h would remarry, and I have no intention of enriching his life with someone else either. yes, i would want him to be comfortable and i've provided for that, but with life insurance, I'm worth a lot and I'd like to spread it to others I love dearly. When we have kids though, it will almost all go to my kids; if it goes to my h, he'll eventually divide it among all his kids, not just mine, and I have a problem with that (which makes me feel guilty occasionally.)

wild Thu 06-Jan-05 13:41:03

Well I don't give a toss about the cash frankly. If I lost my partner I would definitely want my step-son more than ever and he would need all the support of his family.

Momof2 Thu 06-Jan-05 13:56:02

My worry used to be if DP died or even if we split up, that SD and DD would not see each other, but as BM and I have now worked hard to establish a friendly relationship that means we both take the girls out together, this worry has gone (not saying that everyone has a sd with a reasonable BM, mind!)
Never really thought about the money so much - my will leaves half each to both kids, as I consider them to both be entitled to an equal amount regardless of what their other parents decide to do as does Dp's

Stepwitch Thu 06-Jan-05 16:12:47

Hi there ladies,
I'm new to this and do not wish to offend anyone. Thought I would start with that as some responses are quiet harsh.
I have been stepwitch to two girls (19 & 16) for the last 8 years and no matter what I have done over the years they still talk to me like I am an idiot. On the subject of wills and whether they would stay in touch if god forbid the worst ever happened to my wonderful hubby is a very touchy subject for me. I personally don't care if they do or they don't but our will only leaves money to them once both of us are dead, however either surving partner is allowed to do what they wish will all assets after death of one partner. This took hours of deliberating over what we should do for the best. Personally I would rather have put an age limit and strict guildlines that not a penny of our hard earned money benifits ExP in any way.
I agree that their dad should provide for his children whether around or not but I don't see why any should go in the direction of their mother (which I know full well it would). Very dodgy subject and very difficult to resolve. Also if you decided to have your own Kids then that will also open a whole other can of worms, I have to admit I would be tempted to leave all of my money to them (50% of all assests) and their Dad would leave them his 50% so either way noone loses out. But who knows what will happen in the future at present all ok.
Must say that it is a breath of fresh air to know I am not the only one suffering and some have your posts have made me LOL.
Take care all of you and don't let it get you down.
XX

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