wicked foreign stepmother

[lenaw]

Just need some advice...
My SD (12 y.o.) just been on the phone as she sometimes comes on Sat and stays the night. DH is working late (11-ish) and although I usually tell her to get dropped off anyway tonight I asked her to come on Wed instead as she sounded completely full of cold coughing and sneazing and loaded.
My DD (14 m.o.) recovered from her cold week ago and she is due her MMR on Thu (so that was my reason to ask SD to come next Wed)
Now I feel horrible
Another thing is, as SD comes I have to invent some entertainment for her as on Sat DH plays golf and after that and 70-hours week he just collapses on the sofa oblivious to anything apart from food and cup of tea
So, how bad am I?

[KateandtheGirls]

How bad is your husband, should be the question.

[lenaw]

Kate. He is not bad at all - we just trying to move into new house from our damp downstairs flat (needless to say the ex lives in the nice big one so he is trying to clear some debts so we can manage the mortgage, poor DH works his socks off and hates his job so golf helps him to survive

[otto]

You're not bad at all. Was your SD OK about not coming over?

[Mum2girls]

Don't want to be horrible about your dh, however would it kill him to miss a Saturday's golf for his daughters?

You're not bad, just not a martyr that's all...as long as you explained to SD, then I shouldn't worry.

[hercules]

Agree you're not bad. I cant understand your dh though.

[lenaw]

Yes I did explained her - about her Dad working late, DD jab and her cold she said it's OK - but who knows? Her family can say 'see, they don't want you now they've got a baby' etc...
And I cannot ask DH to miss his golf - every time before he play he gets exited like a 5 y.o. before Christmas it's so nice to see him happy. Well tbh sometimes I do feel like saying 'go do something with you doaughter' but then he doesn't know what to do! Limited budget excludes cinema-swimming pool-shopping scenario so I end up with DD on the sofa and SD in the chair or in front of computer...

[hercules]

If I were you I'd refuse to look after her and then see what happens.
At school today there was an 11 year old boy in tears today for 20 minutes as his after school activity had been cancelled and he had to wait 20 minutes in school for his mum to come. He was distraught.
I cant imagine how your dd feels about your dh playing golf when she comes to see him.

[lenaw]

SD comes to see all of us I think - and then sometimes DH doesn't play golf or SD goes shopping with her mates.
As I said she comes on Wed as well but sometimes she cannot be bothered to phone to weeks (including birthdays, father's day, christmas etc) so at least DH doesn't get upset as much as he used to now and decided that he deserves a little bit of joy in the golf form.
Her visiting is up to her entirely... But I never asked her not to come. Probably if DH was at home he would go ang get her.

[hercules]

Why dont you go out for your own enjoyment and let him look after them both at the weekends?

[lenaw]

Hercules.
B.... H...! It never crossed my mind!!!!
I feel so guilty working only part-time so I thought I've got to look after them!

[Caligula]

Lenaw, make yourself a hairdressing appointment, then contact a girlfriend and arrange to paint your nails, wax your legs, and do some new make up shopping. Jesus, girl, you need a treat. Your DH gets his golf - what do you get? And he gets as excited as a 5 year old, great, but he ain't 5, is he? He has a daughter he should be paying some attention to, however tired he is, not leaving it up to you. He's her father, not you. She may well come to see you too, but I bet she'd like her Dad to show her that she matters more than his golf.

[hercules]

I work part time but would defintelty use a bit of emotional blackmail to gain myself a bit of pampering time.
No reason to feel guilty!

[lenaw]

Thanks everybody! Going to hairdressers next Sat! Shame I haven't got good gilfriends but I probably need to get out more so I'll try!

[hercules]

What about a mumsnet meetup?

[lou33]

Sorry, but he should know what to do with his daughter! How come he can afford golf, but can't afford for you to take the kids out for the day somewhere nice? Golf isn't cheap is it?

[lenaw]

hercules - what meetup?
Lou33 - you are right it's not cheap... DH's opinion is that he works hard therefore plays hard. Agree, he should know what to do with his daughter. Well he bought Sims2 (I ended up looking up all the cheats - hate the game) and tbh if I say I want to go out while SD is with us he would complain (as he did before) why I don't want to spend any time with her and how I never make an effort.

[lou33]

I thikn he is being decidedly unfair lenaw. Much as you may care for your sd, she is his child, and she needs input and attention from him. He may feel he can offload her to you (which is what he is doing for want of a better phrase), but it will come back to haunt him, when she realises that he wasn't interested enough in her to give up one afternoon of his time. Very sad. Yes he has a right to relax, but she has a right to have a father . If he complains about you not wanting to spend time with her, I would tell him he is a hypocrite, and to put his own house in order before he starts criticisng yours.

[hercules]

Blimey lenaw. Sounds likes he wants his cake and eat it.
He really should be the one doing stuff with his dd, I dont mean a games console either. HE should be grateful to you for being interested and should appreciate some quality time with his kids.

[lenaw]

Hercules and lou33. God, I never thought about it in this way! How sad am I? Just totally confused! Probably my Russian upbringing - do I sound like a mail bride?

[hercules]

Hope we havent opened a can of worms ! ;)

[lou33]

No lena, not at all. Why , are you ?

[edam]

Lena, I've been the daughter in this situation. And I think my story comes into the category of cautionary tale.
My father was very like your dh; we'd roll up at his house and my sister and I spent 9/10 of the time with our step-mother. When he was single, and lonely, he took us out. When he'd remarried he sat their on the sofa reading the paper. Actually, he wasn't quite as bad as your dh, he was physically present, at least.
Did absolutely nothing for our relationship with our father; we realised he wasn't bothered about us. Taken me and my sisters decades (and therapy) to resolve this ? we've only really got close to him over the past seven years. Perhaps even more relevant to you, his second marriage didn't last either. In fact what finally turned him into an OK father was being the primary carer to my youngest (half) sister after his marriage to my stepmother (her mother) ended.
Please go out, have some fun and make your dh spend some time with his dd. You shouldn't have to make him, of course.

[edam]

oops, 'there' on the sofa, of course.

[lenaw]

Well, no , althought we used to write long letters
Hercules and lou, thanks, now that I thought about it I really do need to get a life and put myself at least second (after my DD)!

[lou33]

lol