My DC will always be my priority

(594 Posts)
MarkUp Thu 06-May-21 08:01:54

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

OP’s posts: |
Getyourarseofffthequattro Thu 06-May-21 08:05:09

I've never been expected to put dss Infront of my ds by dp, however his ex definitely thinks i should, and the general consensus on MN is that you should.

I agree with everything you've said, and even though I love dss, he has two parents and I am not one of them. We have a good relationship but I wouldn't not do something with my child just because he wasn't here, but he gets that because he does stuff with his mum also.

AuntieStella Thu 06-May-21 08:07:09

I'd be wary about the days out and probably the holidays.

But the rest is normal.

What's been going on that you need to vent about this?

MarkUp Thu 06-May-21 08:09:50

I'd be wary about the days out and probably the holidays

Why though? DSCs mum takes them with her. Why can't my DC go places with me?

OP’s posts: |
Getyourarseofffthequattro Thu 06-May-21 08:09:55

AuntieStella

I'd be wary about the days out and probably the holidays.

But the rest is normal.

What's been going on that you need to vent about this?

Why wary?

ALevelhelp Thu 06-May-21 08:15:31

MarkUp

*I'd be wary about the days out and probably the holidays*

Why though? DSCs mum takes them with her. Why can't my DC go places with me?


Is it with just you? Or your DH and you? I'd find it odd there being an expectation for you alone to take your DSC on holiday with your own children, but if your DH is going to it's nice to include all of his children

DM1209 Thu 06-May-21 08:18:28

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Advertisement

Getyourarseofffthequattro Thu 06-May-21 08:18:50

So ops children can never do anything unless their other siblings are there?

Mhm. That'll do wonders for their self worth and relationship with their parents.

Getyourarseofffthequattro Thu 06-May-21 08:22:39

With all due respect @DM1209 you have no idea what you're on about then do you.

Mumoblue Thu 06-May-21 08:24:35

You want to put your own kids first. Your husband wants to put HIS own kids first. I think it’s a natural instinct that can easily lead to conflict.
Of course you can treat your kids how you like, but it depends how close you are/want to be with your step kids. Some step parents see their step kids as their kids, others don’t.
As long as all children involved are being treated well, I think it all works out in the end usually.

moreofalurker Thu 06-May-21 08:26:25

I think u are 100% right. Never feel guilty for been a good mum and doing the best for ur kids.

Aroundtheworldin80moves Thu 06-May-21 08:28:17

We take our DN on holiday with us (odd situation where she has next to no contact with her father, but does have regular contact with us and her grandparents, her paternal relatives)
During that time, her sisters do stuff with their paternal relatives.

Or should her siblings wait for her to be home to do stuff with their dad and grandparents?

DM1209 Thu 06-May-21 08:28:32

Getyourarseofffthequattro

With all due respect @DM1209 you have no idea what you're on about then do you.


Thank you for your observation.

I said I don't have SC, not that I've never had SC.

I have, it didn't end well. And the SC weren't the primary issue, but they didn't help and children on both sides got hurt.

Not all step-families fall apart, many are fantastic and bonded. But what the OP is speaking of isn't conducive to that.

Getyourarseofffthequattro Thu 06-May-21 08:30:21

*in your experience.

What op is saying works absolutely fine for many blended families. Just because yours didn't work out doesn't mean nobody else's can.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Thu 06-May-21 08:31:15

I think it depends if your dc is also your dhs dc?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Thu 06-May-21 08:31:29

On some of the points anyway.

paralysedbyinertia Thu 06-May-21 08:32:19

I think it's totally natural to feel that way. I would always put my dc first.

It's one of the reasons why I would never blend families tbh.

Pleaseaddcaffine Thu 06-May-21 08:33:24

I find this wierd. Equitable isn't equal. It's about being fair while recognising everyone had difdenrt needs and wants.
Ds goes on holidays with me, holidays with me n dh, holidays with his dsc me n dh. Dsc go on holiday with their mum and grandparents.
Dh does things with dsc as older alone that would bore pants off a toddler. I sometimes do things with some of dsc and my ds as they like the thing on offer but older ones stay home with dp as don't want to come. Sometimes we do days out everyone.
It's wierd and entitled to assume the world revolves around any child regardless of full or step. Life dosnt cease because they are not there, same as it dosnt cease if I am away for my dc. I don't expect dp to wait for me if I'm at work before taking ds to the park or the zoo!

fruitloop2021 Thu 06-May-21 08:34:17

Fair enough. I'm sure your SC have their own mum and grandparents etc who take them out too.
I don't blame you OP. Long as you show them the same love, then I don't see an issue.

KaleSlayer Thu 06-May-21 08:36:13

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC.

Do you mean you go on holiday with your children alone? Or do you mean you and DH go on holiday with just your children, not his?

SquashedTomatoesAndStew Thu 06-May-21 08:39:48

I don’t expect to be prioritised over DSD but I do expected to be treated as an equal. While her needs, and our own DC needs, will always come first - I do still matter and so do my feelings in what isn’t always an easy situation to navigate.

I agree with you on days out, etc. Our own DC are half siblings to DSD and DSD mum does a lot with her. I can see why DC might find this harder as they get older but I’m doing my best to pre-empt and educate (any advice on how you managed this would be appreciated).

We do treat all the siblings as equal when they’re in our home though...if DSD is with us on Christmas Day then we wouldn’t noticeably spoil DC more. It’s hard getting them to bond as siblings when they are growing up in different circumstances

Jellybabiesforbreakfast Thu 06-May-21 08:44:15

If the SC are in your care, you need to treat them equally with your own children. You're not fit to look after other people's kids if you obviously favour your own. Children care about things being "fair" in that sense.

Doesn't mean things need to be 100% equal the whole time.

In reality, unless you both have children from previous relationships, I suspect the age gap between DSC and DC means that there are less issues than you might foresee, as they will be interested in different things anyway.

Youseethethingis Thu 06-May-21 08:59:31

I agree with you entirely OP.
God knows DSDs mum won't let her miss out on anything so I don't see why my DS should expect any less from his own mother.

Killahangilion Thu 06-May-21 08:59:43

@DM1209 has made a very good point which most of you seem to have missed!

Are your own parents still alive and involved in your life or are they already deceased? Have you been through a traumatic break-up/divorce? Who supported you through it? Your DC are probably young now but you won't always be around. Maybe you'll be lucky and live to a ripe old age but what if you die relatively young?

Three of my friends have been widowed in the 30's and 40's: Their partners were all fit and healthy individuals and their deaths were very shocking.

My SDC are older and are starting to have children themselves. Their mum also died when they were young. They have an excellent relationship with my DS which I have taken great pains to nurture. They are HIS FAMILY TOO.

I take comfort knowing that when I'm gone, especially if I'm unlucky enough to die young-ish, my DS will have sibling family members who will care for him and continue to support him long after I'm gone.

I've read lots of sad stories on here involving inheritance issues driving a wedge between ordinary siblings, let alone step-siblings. I think it's a mistake not to think about how your children will be supported when you've gone.

Getyourarseofffthequattro Thu 06-May-21 09:02:59

Killahangilion

*@DM1209* has made a very good point which most of you seem to have missed!

Are your own parents still alive and involved in your life or are they already deceased? Have you been through a traumatic break-up/divorce? Who supported you through it? Your DC are probably young now but you won't always be around. Maybe you'll be lucky and live to a ripe old age but what if you die relatively young?

Three of my friends have been widowed in the 30's and 40's: Their partners were all fit and healthy individuals and their deaths were very shocking.

My SDC are older and are starting to have children themselves. Their mum also died when they were young. They have an excellent relationship with my DS which I have taken great pains to nurture. They are HIS FAMILY TOO.

I take comfort knowing that when I'm gone, especially if I'm unlucky enough to die young-ish, my DS will have sibling family members who will care for him and continue to support him long after I'm gone.

I've read lots of sad stories on here involving inheritance issues driving a wedge between ordinary siblings, let alone step-siblings. I think it's a mistake not to think about how your children will be supported when you've gone.

I mean what a weird thing to bring up. What do you think happens to only children?

Oh and btw, dss and ds have a lovely relationship despite the above poster deciding that it's wrong so he'll be just fine, hth.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in