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New to this, am I being unreasonable.(67 Posts)
So bit of a back story, my partner and I have been together for 2.5yrs. We blended our families last year, its had its highs and lows. I two children of my own A daughter and son (12&5) and a step daughter(9). My partners ex has always been present in our lives, sharing her options etc. At first I struggled with this but I have slowly worked on myself and learnt to live with it. However, Recently my daughter got into trouble at school, both myself and the school used the police as a threat so my daughter would understand the seriousness of the situation. I did not know that my daughter had confided in my step daughter and told her about being in trouble and the police being involved (again, just a threat never happend). My step daughter told her mum about this, which lead her to then message my partner having a go to say she should of been informed. I'm under impression that there no need for her to be informed of what is happening with my own daughter. I agree if it was something that would effect my step daughter then my partner would inform her. This now lead to her say that the girls shouldn't be sharing a bedroom and my own daughter's behaviour is worrying. The girls sharing a room is our only option at the moment, moving isn't possible just yet. I feel this is a personal attack, I understand that she feels there are concerns for her own daughter but this is something that was blown out of proportion. Just looking for some advice, im not sure on what the "norm" is....
What was the nature of the behavioral issue?
I don't think I'd be happy with sharing a room either if she is such bad trouble. Think of it from the other parent's perspective.
I think it depends on what the issue is
Think it depends on what happened.
She had been part of group chat with some other girls from school, all of which weren't very pleasant to each other. She was wasn't the worst but she still took part. She has had her taken away from her and we have had multiple discussions about her behaviour and how treat people. She hasn't got off lightly.
Imagine if your 9 year old was being asked to share a room, on a school trip, with a 12 year old who had such poor behaviour that police involvement may have been needed??
I think you would be demanding that the school segregate the 12 year old especially as you would not be there to safeguard your child.
I think you are minimising the incident as rarely do schools think police involvement is needed unless it relates to illegal behaviour.
The Ex could go as far as stopping her child staying over (a court would most likely deem it reasonable) Instead she has asked for separate rooms. If you don't have a spare bedroom then your 12 year old needs to share with her brother or sleep in another area.
Respect the Ex for worrying about her child and do whatever you can to reassure her. As your child is older there is a safe guarding issue. It really isn't "normal" for a 12 year old girl to behave so badly. I guess she is struggling with the blending so give her a chance to get support and maybe counselling if appropriate.
Unless you say what the issue is then no-one on here can give you proper advice.
However if the police could really get involved e.g. due to sharing explicit images then it is a safeguarding concern.
This means that neither of the younger children who stay in the household should share a room with the 12 year old, your SD's mother should refuse to allow her child anywhere near your 12 year old and your SD's mother should rightly inform SS.
Sharing a dorm on a trip is very different to living together. The girls have a really good relationship and up to now there has been no issues. There still isn't any issues with the its between the parents! If something like this was happening on a regular basis, then I would agree.
Was your daughter involved in taking or sharing indecent images of children ?
I think you have to put yourself in the mums shoes for a minute, her daughter is sharing a room with a child who is three years older and police involvement has been threatened by the school. The difference between 9&12 is huge in terms of freedoms, development stage, schools etc.
It would have been far better for her dad to let her know what happened so she got the full story rather than leaving her to panic hearing half the details from a 9 year old.
You can't expect two girls sharing a room not to talk about things that in an ideal world you wouldn't want leaving your household, the mum was always going to get some part of the story.
My daughter and 4 other girls were in a group chat. All of which were calling each other vile names, slating each others families just being vile. One of the other girls had screenshot the messages and sent them to someone else. The school got involved and spoke to everyone involved in the group. Yes my daughter was involved. She was not the instigator but she isn't innocent either. The advised that it could go to the police because of cyber Bullying. The parent did not want to this. However, I just told my daughter that the police could of been involved to show her the seriousness of the situation, as I do not agree with this sort behaviour.
I wouldn't want my 9 year old sharing a room with your daughter, either, I'm afraid.
I understand that. I totally agree, the difference between 12 &9 is massive. We've worked hard to blend our family together, it hasn't been easy. We were not aware that my step daughter had been told, so we were also unprepared for the response.
No!! No indecent images were taken or shared!! Absolutely nothing like that!!
I think that while she is in her Dad’s house, he should be able to decide where she sleeps. So I would step to one side and let the discussions take place between your DP and his ex.
I wouldn't be happy with my child sharing a room with your DD in this situation either.
12 is very young, in my opinion, to have had such a serious situation take place, where she took an active part, and was serious enough that calling the police was an option.
A 9 yo shouldn't sharing a room with your DD in these circumstances.
Tbh OP if my daughter had an older step sibling who was getting in trouble at school and with police being mentioned, I’d be very worried and unimpressed. I don’t think you can blame the mother for that reaction. Of course you know your daughter and see the best in her but this woman doesn’t know her and is only concerned for her own child.
I think you would be best placed to diffuse this by acknowledging the concerns-which are valid. And explaining the broader context. Might be easier if your OH did this as you will want to jump to your daughters defence. If Police HAD been involved i think she would be owed a heads up.
I wouldn't worry too much. As your daughter returns to normal behaviour this will fade away. Although SDs mum will watch closely and possibly nit pick for a few weeks but only because she is worried. But i'd let it wash over you.
Have you thought about how you'd feel if it was the opposite way around?
Of course your DSD's mother ought to have this knowledge.
Yeah, she should have been informed.
If your daughter is engaging in bullying behaviour so that the police may be involved and she’s sharing a room with your stepdaughter- wouldn’t you want to be informed if it was the other way around?
She's right, she should have been told. The secretiveness around it plus the incident would make me very cross too.
Massive over reaction by the ex. IF she has been told about what exactly happened. If she has been left imagining it could include indecent images or drugs etc I can understand her distress.
As it was just girls being vile to each other, it's not exactly unusual at that age unfortunately.
Oh & a school incident involving YOUR daughter, where several girls were being nasty to each other does not need to be shared with hus Ex or anyone else. It's a private issue, you're allowed those.
Privacy of what goes on in a home goes out the window somewhat when you have children, they tell people all sorts you would rather they didn't.
The children have been placed into a blended family situation. for us as adults we would like a line drawn between the op and the ex, children can't be asked to separate their lives in this way.
I'd want full disclosure too I'm afraid. The fact that she's heard it from her 9 year old just makes everything worse. She needs to trust her child is safe in your home and you've undermined it, whether what actually happened was that bad or not.
Yes the girls have a good relationship now, but your DD has just proven she could easily turn around and be really nasty. What mother wouldn't worry about this, and especially when her child's in a situation where she cannot protect her if needs be?
I disagree she has no business being involved unless it was your SD on the other end of that bullying, which I'm sure by what you have said is not an issue at all. Your kids are allowed to grow up ana make mistakes without being vilified by another adult