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AIBU?

(37 Posts)
TeenyTinyToe Mon 16-Nov-20 23:25:38

My DSD has been told to isolate due to a positive case in her school. She is at her mum's house at the moment.

I am currently pregnant and due shortly so I am obviously concerned. DH has agreed that even outside of the rules, it's important that we are careful with me.

However, he's said tonight that if DSD has a test that comes back negative, he is going to have her round as normal because that changes things and he doesn't care about the rules, he's not not seeing her if she's negative.

I think he's being stupid. As I understand it, even if you test negative, you are still required to isolate for the required time in case symptoms later appear. Just because you have a negative test on day 2 of isolation, doesn't mean you wouldn't get a positive one a few days later.

I'm not comfortable with this. I know he wants to see his child. But I also want to protect myself.

I know that DH and his ex won't care about the official rules if the test is negative though and contact will be expected to resume as normal as soon as a negative test comes back.

What do I do? Just let it happen? Or try and put my foot down? I don't want to seem like I'm trying to keep DSD away but at the same time I'm scared of the possibility of contracting this when I'm so heavily pregnant.

OP’s posts: |
aSofaNearYou Mon 16-Nov-20 23:44:08

When is he planning on seeing her, if she gets a negative?

YANBU, he should wait for the stipulated isolation period. He doesn't sound very considerate of you.

TeenyTinyToe Mon 16-Nov-20 23:46:41

aSofaNearYou

When is he planning on seeing her, if she gets a negative?

YANBU, he should wait for the stipulated isolation period. He doesn't sound very considerate of you.

Straight away I imagine. He thinks if the test is negative that's that, he can continue to see her like normal.

Apparently he isn't not seeing her because of the rules, it's because of me. So if she's negative he will.

Obviously if she's genuinely negative then good, but the reason you still have to isolate is because symptoms can later develop. He just doesn't seem to get that.

I feel like I'm being given no say in what happens in my home or regarding my own wellbeing.

OP’s posts: |
ReneeRol Tue 17-Nov-20 00:23:37

The test is negative and she has the right to see her father. He has a responsibility to parent his kid, that doesn't stop because you're pregnant. You knew he had a kid when you met him.

scorpiomoon Tue 17-Nov-20 00:36:53

He should respect your position and also remember that a negative test now doesn't necessarily mean she wouldn't test positive in a few days - hence the isolation period . It's your home too and you're pregnant so put your foot down

HadaVerde Tue 17-Nov-20 00:48:20

She needs to isolate regardless of having a negative test.

He’s being reckless insisting he’ll see her anyway.

TeenyTinyToe Tue 17-Nov-20 05:46:36

ReneeRol

The test is negative and she has the right to see her father. He has a responsibility to parent his kid, that doesn't stop because you're pregnant. You knew he had a kid when you met him.

This is nothing to do with 'you knew he had kids'.

She is supposed to be isolating for good reason because someone she's close to in class has tested positive. She is not supposed to come between homes during isolation, for the reasons mentioned whether or not she tests negative at the start.

I am not and never have been someone who comes between them. I encourage their relationship (and my own with her) in every way I can.

This is not about DSD personally. It's about my husband intending to purposefully break the rules and put me at risk by doing so when I'm about to give birth.

OP’s posts: |
endofthelinefinally Tue 17-Nov-20 05:52:12

You are right, he is wrong. How you get that through to him I don't know.
Could you ask your midwife to speak to him?

HeronLanyon Tue 17-Nov-20 05:52:45

Well the science is on your side op. You are totally right. Truth is even after the isolation period obvs anyone you meet could unwittingly be a risk but right now your dad is a known and identified risk. What doesn’t he understand this ? Does she have some special need meaning his perspective is a bit skewed here ? For goodness sakes why can’t he not see his daughter for the required time ! It’s not as if he will be being a ‘bad father’ etc ! They can FaceTime/zoom/teams whatever.
As for the pp who said ‘you knew he had children’ - utterly and bewilderingly irrelevant to this situation.
Good luck. Tread carefully.

HeronLanyon Tue 17-Nov-20 05:53:34

Dsd not ‘dad’.

TeenyTinyToe Tue 17-Nov-20 05:57:55

It's just shit.

If I weren't as far, I'd just keep my distance but probably let him get on with it, although I wouldn't like it.

But now would just be an absolutely terrible time. If either of us got it, we could well still have it when I was giving birth. Putting not only us but others at risk too, and meaning he wouldn't be able to be with me.

OP’s posts: |
sassbott Tue 17-Nov-20 06:43:50

Yeah. I’m with you. There was another thread but in that thread the child was out the isolation period. On this case (and especially given you’re due soon), she shouldn’t be coming. Even a negative test does not end the isolation period.

OverTheRainbow88 Tue 17-Nov-20 06:50:53

I would hold your ground on this one. Why risk your and baby’s health for one visit?

There’s a reason DSD needs to stay home for 2 weeks, her test may be negative then 3 days later it could be positive.

I wouldn’t budge.

If he HAS to see her they can go in a socially distanced outside walk together

lunar1 Tue 17-Nov-20 07:06:07

The isolation period is two weeks regardless of a test. He needs to stick to it.

Pinkyxx Tue 17-Nov-20 07:08:31

YANBU. The self isolation rules state that even where there is a negative test the quarantine must continue. A negative test does not end the self-isolation because the test could very well be positive the next day

The test measures titers of virus vs. being an absolute test - in other words if there isn't enough virus present to hit the min. threshold of the test its negative. This does not mean that the individual isn't positive or contagious.

Stand firm, he's being wreck-less with your and your baby's health.

I felt I had a 'right' to see my grandmother in the last days of her life, I didn't however as the rules forbid it. She died last week. This isn't about 'rights' - yours, his or his DD's; it's about stopping the spread of this god awful virus.

chocolatesaltyballs22 Tue 17-Nov-20 07:10:26

Put your foot down OP. He is wrong. And even if you weren't pregnant I would be saying this. We have been in this situation and the stepson didn't come.

This is why the bloody virus is still spreading!

Good luck.

funinthesun19 Tue 17-Nov-20 07:11:50

The test is negative and she has the right to see her father. He has a responsibility to parent his kid, that doesn't stop because you're pregnant. You knew he had a kid when you met him.

Hmmm. She also knows she’s pregnant and that she wants to protect herself and her baby. I’d say that’s more important.
FaceTime etc exists. He can use that.

LatentPhase Tue 17-Nov-20 07:17:02

Ask him how would he feel developing symptoms on the day you go into labour meaning he is excluded from labour ward and you give birth on your own and he misses the birth of his baby? Is he happy to prioritise seeing his dd over being at the birth of his baby?

MeridianB Tue 17-Nov-20 08:47:41

Presumably she won't be allowed back to school during the isolation period, negative test or not. So she shouldn't be seeing anyone outside her household.

Your DH is being an arse.

aSofaNearYou Tue 17-Nov-20 10:21:19

Ask him how would he feel developing symtoms the day you go into labour

Or better yet, ask him how he would feel if YOU got Covid and were seriously unwell when you went into Labour leading to complications. He is being unbelievably selfish to risk yours and the baby's health like this.

Iwonder08 Tue 17-Nov-20 10:47:04

OP, your husband is being very inconsiderate but you can't force him. I would suggest if he insists on seeing his daughter then it should be outside of the house and he will have to social distance from you for 2 weeks after. It might mean he won't be able to be with you when his baby is born.

LenaBlack Tue 17-Nov-20 14:46:02

You are right, he is wrong. Daughter or not it doesn't matter who she is. The rules are clear. If you have been in contact with a confirmed positive case you are to isolate for 14 days. My colleagues at work tested negative after being in contact but were not allowed back to work for 14days anyway due to incubation period.

Btw. She shouldn't even have a test if she has no symptoms, she should just isolate.

Bleughbleughbleugh12 Tue 17-Nov-20 14:57:32

Has she been around him recently and between her close contact? If she has, there is no point stopping contact... if not then it’d make sense to stop contact for the 2 weeks HOWEVER risks to you are minimal, however I’m sure you’re aware of that

LenaBlack Tue 17-Nov-20 15:40:35

Has she been around him recently and between her close contact? If she has, there is no point stopping contact

You must be joking..OP if she has been in close contact with him HE should be isolating from you and your baby (morally, the rules don't make him unless she has symptoms)

Youseethethingis Tue 17-Nov-20 18:17:44

I made this my hill to die on when I was heavily pregnant during the first lockdown.
I told DH that if he felt his ex and daughter needed him more than his 1 year old and his heavily pregnant wife he would need to go elsewhere for the duration to see her as we couldn’t possibly move.
It wasn’t about what he, his ex, or DSD wanted. It was about my right to be safe in my own home, and my baby’s right to have his mother speak up for him and what he needed. He was the most vulnerable member of the family so needed me to put my foot down.
He was stillborn in the end and if DH had missed the birth because of DSD and her mother it would have been the end of our marriage.

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