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Am I wrong? Teen SS issues

(10 Posts)
Nonose Sat 14-Nov-20 16:54:11

Back story - been with my DH for 5 years. Our kids were 13, 12 and 9 when we got together. (Mine is the 13 year old). We've been married 2 years now. Lots of issues with younger SS as he was especially immature when we got together, no table manners, fussy eater, when he does eat, eats like a chipmonk (as in food gets stored in his cheek while he shovels more food in) and I've always brought my DD up to be quite independent and with good manners so found this very hard and DH just 'does not notice' (his words). No issues with older SS other than that he can be a bit cocky sometimes. The mother of the boys has been incredibly rude - never even met her except one time recently when younger SS had left his brace (always leaves something) and she wanted my DH to drive to meet her with it and I said I'd do it as he was working.

Anyway, my daughter has worked since she was 15. She is very responsible, gets up to go to work, doesn't have to be told etc etc. She learned to drive last year and we agreed to get her a car, we paid half, she paid the other half on a month by month basis plus running costs and insurance. She paid off her half share and not just pays running costs and insurance.

Older SS had to be coerced into working by us at he end of last year as, we expected that he did the same if he wanted a car. Basically, he got a job half heartedly, which he didn't have very long as he never requested shifts and they sent him his P45. But he is exceptionally clever and made himself quite a bit of money online, enough to pay for his share of the car. He also opted to pay maintenance costs as and when they come up rather than spread them out and so pays just his insurance which is high. His mum pays him £50 per month to do 'marketing' for her and he probably earns about the same from his online things plus he has just come into some money from the government saving scheme.

DH and I got into an argument yesterday as turns out DSS does not pay for his share on time and DH has to regularly chase him. He has never not paid - that isn't the issue but when my DD was late paying one month and my DH spoke to me about it - I in turn spoke to her and said that as per the agreement, she needed to pay on time etc etc that it was unfair to make him wait and that is the responsibility that she has in order to keep her car. She never made a late payment again. So I suggested that DH get DSS to sort a standing order so that the money is paid on time. He said to me 'I don't mind chasing the money'. But doesn't want to chase it from my DD?? Smacks of double standards to me??? Then I mentioned that it's about DSS being responsible etc and that he doesn't have a job - so he bit back 'he does have a job'. This year, neither SS bought my DH a birthday or Fathers day gift - but expect things from us (as all kids do) but not having money is probably part of it. But doing a few online things and earning a minimal amount to me does not constitute a job where there is time keeping involved, getting up, commitment and mixing with adults. When he goes to university, we are not in a position to fund him and we do not fund my daughter who has gone. Her maintenance loan does not cover her accommodation and she pays for her food and going out out, clothes, toiletries out of her wage from her job transfer. Am I wrong to think a teen who is nearly 18 should be seeking out a weekend/evening job and being responsibly and paying on time - if the other teenager who is a year older has been doing this already for years??. If he were mine - I'd be pushing for that.

Anyway, got into a mood about this (topped off by our dog peeing on our brand new carpet). DH never asked me what was wrong, complete silence. It's his go to tactic when we argue and it just makes me worse. So today I tried to talk to him about it and he basically said that I am in the wrong and that I can't stomach that. Fuming. Then started bringing up the fact that DSS paid for his own maintenance costs of the car (which were high) and that my DD only paid half the amount she should have - even though he worked out all costs and spread them over a yearly amount and she pays what he asks of her. I'm going to give him the difference I'm so p****d off.

To top it all off, they never help around the house - DH only asks them to do the dishwasher when I suggest it. Younger one always says thanks for food but hardly ever get the same from the older one. I feel like all the issues we have had over the years and coming to a head and I'm plain fed up. Their mother does everything for them and treats them like little kids and these are young adults, come on!

I'm not saying my child is an angel - she can be pain at times but I'm always keen to sort her behaviour. A few months back SS snuck out of the house middle of the night to meet a girl in town, we didn't know and when we found out we tackled him about it and he was incredibly rude to me and DH just sat there and said nothing, which I was very hurt about. My daughter tried the whole 'you aren't my Dad' thing on my DH who does a lot for her and I talked to her about it straight away and she apologised to him. I know it's different parenting standards but I don't think I'm in the wrong - am I????

OP’s posts: |
MrsBrunch Sat 14-Nov-20 17:22:26

I don't think it's fair to compare them so I would stop doing that.

Is he definitely going to go to uni? If so I agree that he should have a job now so that he can start saving. Both my dc saved loads before they went and were very glad they did as we couldn't help them financially either.

LindaEllen Sat 14-Nov-20 17:29:29

To be honest, I'd leave DH to deal with DSS's finances, and you should deal with your daughter's. It sounds like it's stressing you out, and there's no real need for it to.

Nonose Sat 14-Nov-20 19:09:09

Thanks both! You are right. We've had a chat now and I massively over-reacted and so very did he. It's not easy this step parent malarkey is it? Appreciate your comments.

OP’s posts: |
Nonose Sat 14-Nov-20 19:10:24

Still think he should have a job though 🤣🤣

OP’s posts: |
Ohalrightthen Sat 14-Nov-20 19:13:15


Still think he should have a job though 🤣🤣

But he has a job? He's making money online. That's a job.

wishywashywoowoo70 Sat 14-Nov-20 22:46:46

I'm guessing the boys don't live with you?
If they don't I'd just leave them to it. Make it clear to DH you won't be giving him money as DD does t get any. If however he lives in your home he should get a job too. However my experience is do your kids and leave DH to his. Saves a lot of stress

LatentPhase Sun 15-Nov-20 11:35:15

I think your issues are minor in the realm of stepfamily challenges.

You should pat yourselves on the back for creating a family that has ‘normal’ problems!


Nonose Mon 16-Nov-20 16:50:11

@LatentPhase I think I got myself completely worked up for sure! Thanks for all the comments. I just find that sometimes, even small things can get on top of you. I guess fundamentally because they aren't your children and you don't have the natural bond or can't parent them as you'd like. I don't know why but sometimes it all just comes to a head in my mind! Anyone else get that?

OP’s posts: |
Carolines100 Mon 16-Nov-20 17:38:54

I know your over it now anyway but just to add, boys and girls are usually quite different anyway before we even start on the different up bringing (from a mum of a step son & daughter and bio son & daughter). Your teaching your daughter to stand on her own two feet and she will thank you for that in the future.

It’s so hard to live with other people’s parenting as much as you want to love the kids! Don’t beat yourself up about it too much.

As for the job thing, that maybe the kind of work he wants to do, I work from home now and have very different standards to what was required when I started the job. The world is moving to a more relaxed digital place so he may not need the traditional skills (as much as I would want to teach them lol).

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