DSD lying about me

[SpongebobNoPants]

I’ve posted here before with regards to the situation with my DSDs and their DM. But for those who haven’t read my previous threads I will give you a quick summary of my situation so you’ve got some background.

I have 2 DCs and my DP has 2 DCs also. We’ve been together 5 years, live together, are engaged to be married and have no plans to have any children together.

My SDs nearly 12 & nearly 16. For the most part I we get along fine and I have (or thought I had) a particularly close relationship with the oldest.

Their DM is extremely money orientated and will only contact DP when she is demanding money. I say demand because that is literally what she does. He pays CMS, for mobile phone contracts, bus passes, uniforms, school bus passes, school dinners, haircuts - this list goes on.., yet his ex constantly asks for more.

Recently it’s ramped up a notch and it’s getting silly, such as “I bought DD a Halloween costume for £7 so you need to give me £3.50”. It’s incredibly draining and I try to stay out of it and have as little contact with his Ex as possible.

However, now my SCs seem to be lying and trying to manipulate DP to get him to spend more money.

Last weekend we had an awful situation where his youngest completely fabricated a conversation between me and her and she told DP “Bob doesn’t make me feel welcome. She told me I had to leave the house and that it’s not my home, it’s only her children’s home”

Firstly I would NEVER EVER say anything like that! I love my SCs and show them so much love and care whilst they are with us. Also when I’m alleged to have said these things my DP was with us in our kitchen and I was not even alone with her at any point.

DP called out her lie but we were also at first very sympathetic. I was heartbroken and worrying if I’d inadvertently done something to make her feel unwelcome or upset in our home.

So DP and I had a long discussion and he reassured me that he thinks I am wonderful with his children and he has no concerns from that perspective but we still needed to get to the bottom of why she’s saying these things.

He calls her and tries to reassure her she’s always welcome here, it’s her home top etc etc.

Throughout the whole conversation she wasn’t really interested in talking about it and he could hear her whispering back and forth with her DM but couldn’t work out exactly what they were saying.

DP was about to finish up the conversation and said “Well if there’s anything we can do to make you feel happier or more comfortable then let us know” to which SD replied “I want this coat from Zara. It’s only £50 and mum said you will have to buy it because she bought me some trainers last week that were £50 so it’s only fair”.

DP replied that she already had a coat but SD said apparently she doesn’t have a school coat. DP gave his Ex £250 towards uniform for his DDs in August as he said he’d split the cost with her but she hasn’t bought nearly enough items e.g. 1 jumper, 1 skirt for the youngest and eldest only needed some new shirts.

He said to SD that no, mum can buy it as he’s already given her the money to purchase these items and he can’t afford to keep giving out money endlessly.

SD then started with the manipulation “But dad, do you want me to be cold in the winter? Would you really let your little girl freeze? What if it snows?”

Again DP said “I’ve already given your mum the money to buy these things, you’re going to have to ask her”. So SD starts repeating that DP said if there’s anything he can do to make her happy she should tell him, so she is. She said she’s so upset I “told her to leave and didn’t make her welcome” and a new coat would make her forgive him and me.



I’m astounded. The worst part is that eldest SD also then joined in the conversation and said she thinks it’s disgusting that DP has set a limit of £200 for Christmas because “you can’t get anything decent for that amount, and I know it’s her that’s set it. This isn’t you, you’re letting her be the boss. She acts like she owns the place”.

I’m devastated.

True we’re set a lower limit this year but it’s been a hard year financially for us as a family. I was furloughed for 4 months, we’ve also bought a bigger house so finances are a bit tighter than normal. DP explained this to them but they’ve continued to vilify me.

I’m hurt and confused. I’m just the easy target to blame because they’re not getting things their own way.

Eldest SD knows she’s fucked up and has hurt my feelings because although she hasn’t apologised she’s been texting me nicely and offered me a lipstick she got as part of a set which is a colour she knows I like.

Youngest is being indignant and outright rude to DP and truthfully I’m dreading her coming here tonight. I will be as normal with her but I also don’t want to let her lies about me slide or for their to be no consequences. She’s in secondary school, not a very young child and I think she needs to know it’s not ok and she’s hurt my feelings.

How would you approach this? My DCs are at their dad’s house tonight and I almost feel like going to stay at my mum’s house so I don’t have to be here. I’m very hurt by the lies but also quite angry too.

[LouiseTrees]

I’m going to get flamed for this but at 16, the eldest is basically an adult. Can you both have a discussion with her and say you really don’t have a lot of money? Maybe she can get through to the younger one. Honestly though do buy her the coat because of what it specifically is. Other things like the Halloween costume you could’ve said “ too late, she has her eye one here too so I guess we’ve both bought her one full outfit”. Play the mother but not over a coat.

[SpongebobNoPants]

Honestly though do buy her the coat because of what it specifically is
But we can’t afford it and DP has already given money to their DM to buy one as part of her uniform.

I will speak to my eldest SD as her and I normally have a great relationship so I’m stunned as to why she turned like that. I go out of my way for her a lot and have been her confidant about boys and friendship issues over the years.

The youngest and I don’t have the same closeness unfortunately but I always make it clear she’s loved and very much part of my family, not just DP’s family

[SpongebobNoPants]

Also I forgot to mention my SDs have this tit for tat mentality where if one of them has £X spent on them then the other demands they have £X spent on them too, even if one of the DCs requires an essential item and the other does not. It’s a constant for DP when he says no.

[LouiseTrees]

You can’t afford 50 quid. Well then you really are in dire straits then! Hopefully someone will give you some advice. Did you buy the bigger house just pre Covid?

[VettiyaIruken]

I would refuse to be alone with them. There are consequences to telling lies.

As to the money, your partner has to be firm on it. He does contribute but he's not a walking wallet.

[unmarkedbythat]

@LouiseTrees

You can’t afford 50 quid. Well then you really are in dire straits then! Hopefully someone will give you some advice. Did you buy the bigger house just pre Covid?

Seriously?

[Aquamarine1029]

I think I would need some space away from them, honestly. All this bullshit, drama and lies are ridiculous. I would be sick to death of it all.

[FelicityPike]

Dad needs to tell the mum to buy the coat out of the maintenance money he sends.

[Hotchocolatesforeveryone]

I'm sorry but they are using dad as an atm machine and are very materialistic, a coat from zara to make her feel better......I don't think so and I would be telling my own daughter that material items don't solve problems. It seems your husband pays his share for his girls but the kids have somehow got the idea that dad is an atm machine and I suspect their mum might be part of the reason why. A coat is of course an essential item....but a specific coat from zara when she already has a coat..is not.

[SpongebobNoPants]

@LouiseTrees there’s 4 children in this household, we can’t afford to buy them everything they want all the time. We’ve already given money for a school coat, we can’t afford to buy everything all the time especially not twice. Her DM can buy fee coat on this occasion.

Yes we bought the house pre-Covid.

[SpongebobNoPants]

To put it into perspective DP has given in excess of £2.5k to his ex between maintenance and extra items in the last 3 months. Let alone all of the continual costs he bears such as phones, school dinners etc as well.
We cannot afford to simply be an endless pot of money.

[SpongebobNoPants]

I would refuse to be alone with them. There are consequences to telling lies

This is what I’m going to do. At least for a while I won’t allow myself to be left alone with her because even though I know DP trusts me with his kids, I do keep wondering what if he hadn’t been present that day when I’m alleged to have said those vile comments? There was no shred of doubt in him because he was physically there... but I won’t allow her to plant seeds of mistrust in our relationship going forward.

[SBTLove]

I could have wrote this! My DPs ex is money obsessed, the DC are exactly the same; grabby and manipulative.
My DP had to draw a line and tell her it’s an increase in maintenance and that’s it, not maintenance and half of everything she buys( this was down to socks and knickers!)
It’s exhausting the every day demands for money for everything imaginable especially when they already get plenty.
He even got hit with they each want £800 xmas gifts, you’ll be giving me half!!

[SBTLove]

I notice you gave £250 for school but only one skirt, jumper and shirts were bought, he should be telling their mother to use the rest for a coat.

[SpongebobNoPants]

My DP had to draw a line and tell her it’s an increase in maintenance and that’s it, not maintenance and half of everything she buys( this was down to socks and knickers!)

This is what I would like DP to do going forward, increase the maintenance by say £150 a month and then say that’s it then, Ex can pay for all extras herself. But I suspect we’ll still get demands for more from the kids and they’re very good at manipulating and making DP feel guilty.

[FoxtrotOscarPoppet]

Likewise constantly sick of the financial demands from DH’s ex. She pleads poverty but is always off on holidays, shopping sprees and nights out. The SC (15 & 17) also try to make DH feel guilty into handing over more money, sometimes it works,
sometimes it doesn’t (he pays for EVERYTHING). When he’s had to say in the past that he hasn’t the money for whatever the latest demand is, the automatic assumption from SC and their mother is that I should be paying for it.

In your situation OP I would disengage. Don’t be alone with them and don’t do anything for them. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.

[SpongebobNoPants]

@SBTLove I have a whole other thread on here about her not spending the money DP gives her on what it’s intended for... I’m not talking about CMS because it’s at her discretion how she spends that, but asking for money for specific items and those items then not materialising. The school coat being the latest item she hasn’t bought and effectively wants giving money twice for as DP has already contributed towards it.

If she is splitting the extras fairly 50:50 between her and DP then she would have had a budget of £500 for uniform. There’s not a chance in hell shes spent more than the £250 gave her towards it. She hasn’t even spent £250 as I’ve mentioned.

So she’s not contributed anything at all towards either child’s uniform but expects DP to cough up more cash. It’s infuriating.

His ex appears to have the mentality that DP should pay for everything material the girls need and she doesn’t need to contribute towards it.

[Flowers94]

This reply is so rude, i image alot of people cant afford a £50 coat whenever they fancy. And then to buy another as the younger step daughter will be insistent she also needs a coat

[Flushi]

Hi OP, I’m a single mum and am constantly pestering exP for money. So usually I would have sympathy for the ex wife. However it seems like she’s really taking advantage of your DP and it’s rubbing of on your DSC. I think your DP needs to talk to his ex, the children don’t need to be involved just yet. He should ask her where the money for the school uniform went and maybe discuss setting an allowance for the DC and unless it’s an emergency he doesn’t give any money more than that (obviously the odd treat etc excluded).

[Spied]

Whatever you do don't not stay at your Mum's. They youngest would absolutely love this and thinking she was winning likely ramp up the campaign against you.
I'd be pleasant but distant.

[Flushi]

@LouiseTrees

You can’t afford 50 quid. Well then you really are in dire straits then! Hopefully someone will give you some advice. Did you buy the bigger house just pre Covid?

I think this is really rude. I don’t think it’s rare to not be able to afford a £50 just because, especially on the run up to Christmas.

[Tiredoftattler]

As kids get older, they tend to want more things . it is somewhat disingenuous to expect them to understand or accept the fact that a man with only 2 children and plans to not have anymore needed a bigger house. If they know that you were furloughed for several months , they likely think that he has been carrying the heavier load financially. In their young minds ( and perhaps with nudging from their mom), they have reached the conclusion that he is denying them things that he in the past would have given to them, because he is having to pay more to cover your expenses. In their minds ,and again with their mother's encouragement they probably view themselves as his children, and you after 5 years still the girlfriend who is creating a financial change in their lives.

You should speak up and explain to them how the lying hurt your feelings. In a way, their feelings are probably hurt as well. They see their dad incurring expenses for something or someone else while denying them. Kids do not care about CS, for the most part they only care about the things that they want.
They think that mom and dad are the ones who are supposed to deal with both their needs and wants.

I am in no way justifying their thought processes, but it is the way that at age
14 a child is likely to look at your situation. Kids are not inclined to care much about the financial ins and outs of what they view as diverted finances.

There are no easy answers to your situation. Dad can say no to the requests for the extras, but as long as his explanation is that he cannot do for them because he has to do for you they will probably remain resentful. A simple "no" or "not now" might have been a better response. They do not see dad having a difficult year. They see your difficult year creating hardships for them. They know that dad was not furloughed this year.

Sometimes we want kids to understand grown-up issues without us having to view the situation from their more simplistic point of view. To them you are the reason that their father has incurred additional debt, he needs to explain to them that everything that he is doing is by his preference and his choice and you should have no part in that conversation. They may not view you as his wife and may not understand why as a girlfriend , your financial situation factors in to his finances. Again, their thoughts are not necessarily realistic , but they are not uncommon teen thoughts.

The teen drama will come and go. Your partner should represent his decision whatever it is without bringing in any mention of having to cover your shortfall. That is an indirect way of making you the scapegoat, and he may feel some guilt for having to deny them things that he has no real objection to paying.

An alternative as long as you are not married might be to keep your finances separate. Teenagers can be challenging and dealing with teenage girl drama can be daunting at times.

[Jayaywhynot]

I wouldn't leave the house, like a previous poster said, they will think they're winning and may up the ante.
I'd stay in, be polite, answer when spoken too, don't start a conversation but answer with the MN favourite " that's nice dear".
You're an adult, you can outwit a couple of stroppy teenagers 😉
I have no advice about the DM and money except hold firm, support your DP and don't give in to demands or emotional blackmail from either the DM or DSD.
Your DP does need to sit them down for a conversation about money and how he expects you to be treated, firmly.

[LouiseTrees]

@Jayaywhynot

I wouldn't leave the house, like a previous poster said, they will think they're winning and may up the ante.
I'd stay in, be polite, answer when spoken too, don't start a conversation but answer with the MN favourite " that's nice dear".
You're an adult, you can outwit a couple of stroppy teenagers 😉
I have no advice about the DM and money except hold firm, support your DP and don't give in to demands or emotional blackmail from either the DM or DSD.
Your DP does need to sit them down for a conversation about money and how he expects you to be treated, firmly.

To be clear this is what I actually think. My previous post was intended to show what the ex and the children think, if you read my post prior to that on just the jacket, playing them at their own game etc. Posted to soon.

[Haffdonga]

@SpongebobNoPants

My DP had to draw a line and tell her it’s an increase in maintenance and that’s it, not maintenance and half of everything she buys( this was down to socks and knickers!)

This is what I would like DP to do going forward, increase the maintenance by say £150 a month and then say that’s it then, Ex can pay for all extras herself. But I suspect we’ll still get demands for more from the kids and they’re very good at manipulating and making DP feel guilty.

At 16 wouldn't it be better to give the extra amount direct to dsd as an allowance (keep the agreed level of maintenance to their mum)? Most teens that age have an allowance and it's good for her to have control and learn to budget rather than how play off her parents against each other for a new school coat.
(Younger dsd could have a smaller allowance directly according to her age or still give to her share to her mum to control.)