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Why am i so jealous of his ex?

(9 Posts)
malificent7 Mon 26-Oct-20 08:38:33

In many ways I am so lucky with his ex...she is very accomodating and nice to me. They have a good relationship which actually makes my life easier and shows he is a good egg as he never slags her off. Their relationship ended as she cheated on him....why does this bother me so much? I mean if she hadn't cheated then I wouldn't be with him.
She is now pregnant with her second with the other man and they live together ...my dp is not interested in her like that so she is no threat.
I think i get jealous over small things...his late mum found it hard when he split up with the ex and found it hard to accept me although apparently she was very fond of me in the end. I think I just felt bad as I was not the woman who cheated but i was treated withan air of suspicion...perhaps understandably.
I think it is great that dp has such a great relationship with his ex for the sake of his child. I know that if someone cheated on me I would not be so gracious.
I think at the weekend I felt sad as she had to clear some of her stuff put of his old house with him...i needed the time to do other stuff anyway but I still felt a pang that they were spending time together even if it was doing a necessary house clearance. She had to sort through her precious things before they got sent to the dump!
He is wonderful in every way and I love him but I still get jealous. It's my worse trait.

OP’s posts: |
MeridianB Mon 26-Oct-20 09:08:33

The triangle is a very powerful, innate relationship pattern for humans and we are hard-wired to explore, consider and test it. So all your feelings sound very normal.

How long have you been with DP? It will take time for these feelings to settle and feel more normal.

In most relationships we know little or nothing about exes, so it's very different to have one in your DP's life now and forever. Have you met her?

Try not to overthink it and count your blessings that she seems nice, and happy with her own life!

FlippidyFlop Mon 26-Oct-20 11:28:48

I mean if she hadn't cheated then I wouldn't be with him

You could say this about most relationships though OP.

If my ex hadn't turned into an abusive arsehole, I wouldn't be with my husband. If my husband and his ex didn't have the problems they did, they may not have split. If my mum hadn't cheated on my Dad she may not be with her current husband and so on...

Most adult relationships, unless you are childhood sweethearts, are reliant on some other past relationship not having worked out for whatever reason.

Most of us have a history smile they didn't work out in the end, the reason why is irrelevant in some ways although cheating is a big thing, he may still get on with her as a person outside of a relationship but he probably would never have been able to trust her again if they'd stayed together which is a huge thing and can lead to all sorts of arguments and fall outs. They likely get on now precisely because they aren't together.

malificent7 Mon 26-Oct-20 12:33:25

Thanks for the input...i know her , have met her and get on v well.

OP’s posts: |
MyCatHatesEverybody Mon 26-Oct-20 17:40:10

I wonder if you're feeling angry on your DP's behalf that she cheated on him, and jealous because subconsciously you think his niceness should be reserved for you and not for someone who doesn't "deserve" it?

I think it's good that you seem to recognise the issue is with you and not with your DP or his ex. Give it time, keep your boundaries strong and hopefully your uncomfortable feelings will settle.

aSofaNearYou Mon 26-Oct-20 19:00:15

It's hard having to deal with your partner's ex since they're not usually a presence, and it's hard feeling like the family doesn't welcome you. Don't beat yourself up, many of us have been there.

mintyt Mon 26-Oct-20 20:34:35

Do you think you might feel that if she hadn't cheated he would still be with her, it's also hard for parents when their adult children split up because they have had a relationship with them, and probably don't want to invest in you until they know your worth investing in, as you were eventually. You say it's your worst trait, just keep these feelings in check and I'm sure over time they will fade

SandyY2K Tue 27-Oct-20 23:07:00

He's probably being gracious, as it's in the best interests of their child to have parents who get along well.

Spritesobright Thu 29-Oct-20 15:43:16

I think this is really normal but good to recognise. I was gutted when I found out that my new boyfriend's ex works in the same field as me and reached a career milestone just before me.
I know this is petty and about my own insecurities but it's just how I feel.
I do talk to my partner about it and he understands. I think that helps.
We make jokes to lighten the mood. It helps.

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