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30 year old SD is making life hell

(79 Posts)
thisldo Thu 22-Oct-20 01:00:46

Been with DP 12 year. He has a DD who is 30. She's never accepted me and never accepted DP other girlfriends. So nothing personal. ( DP and his ex split when she was 4) I have learnt to live with this but now she is pregnant and made it quite clear she doesn't want me having any involvement with her baby. This is fine by me but I am starting to see it's going to be very upsetting for DP. My thoughts are maybe I should end this relationship so he and his grandchild can have the bond they deserve. Wwyd?

OP’s posts: |
feministfemme Thu 22-Oct-20 01:05:16

@thisldo Is this a big enough issue to consider ending a 12 year relationship over? Do you think there might be something else motivating you to want to leave?

thisldo Thu 22-Oct-20 01:08:21

Good question. I just feel as if I am too old for this shit. She has caused so many problems over the years and I just don't see an end to it.

OP’s posts: |
DisorganisedPurpose Thu 22-Oct-20 01:12:50

If you and DP get on well, why end it. Let DP visit SD to see baby. SD may come aroun eventually. However if DP thinks having a closer relationship with GK is more important than your relationship, you will need to change the dynamic. Hang on and see how things go.

thisldo Thu 22-Oct-20 01:19:04

Thanks for your replies. I think I need to discuss this with him.

OP’s posts: |
Thisisnotnormal69 Thu 22-Oct-20 01:21:48

It seems dramatic but I get this must have caused a lot of stress over the years.

Presumably DP has talked to his daughter about it - what are her reasons? It sounds so childish and odd. Is she like that generally as a person? It’s unlikely she’ll just suddenly change her mind and be reasonable..

thisldo Thu 22-Oct-20 01:34:28

Apparently she's always been a very jealous and spiteful person. Has no friends as she causes problems with them. A lot of family don't have anything to do with her. I have tried over the years to get along with her and be friendly but she just doesn't want to know. Her relationship with her mother is very on and off. DP has always gave in to her to keep the peace but he said he's tired of it all now and realises that this is just the way she is.
It is drastic to leave a relationship after all these years BUT I feel stuck in the middle and maybe if I was out the way DP would feel less stressed.

OP’s posts: |
funinthesun19 Thu 22-Oct-20 06:49:09

She really does need to get a grip. Her parents split when she was 4 and she’s now 30 years old. Time to move on, over 20 years too late.
People like this who play the victim all their lives and use the fact that their parents aren’t together to try and get away with being a dick are so irritating.

I’m the same age as her and my parents split when I was 11. There is absolutely no excuse for her being so unaccepting of you when all you’ve done is be in a relationship with her dad.

LatentPhase Thu 22-Oct-20 07:28:44

Seems very drastic to end a 12 year relationship over?

She clearly has issues, not you.

If he genuinely ‘accepts this is who she is’ can’t you all just work around it. He can see his grandchild away from you.

Odd, but not your circus...

SnuggyBuggy Thu 22-Oct-20 07:30:16

It sounds like father and daughter would still have issues even if you weren't there.

OnTheBenchOfDoom Thu 22-Oct-20 07:38:46

I think you are crazy for thinking of ending this relationship over a grandchild. Just see what happens after the baby is born and go from there.

Clearly she is a drama llama but you don't need to feed into it. Your DP is seeing it for what it is, it may well be that he goes low contact soon because of her behaviour.

sarahjessicaparka Thu 22-Oct-20 08:17:56

I wouldn't end a perfectly good relationship over it. Just let your partner arrange to see her and the grandchild separately and go off and do something you love during that time - a hobby, walk, lunch with a friend, spa day, shopping, reading a book, visiting an interesting town or national trust place.
And don't get sucked into any drama - just do your own thing and let them do theirs.

combatbarbie Thu 22-Oct-20 08:33:08

Well at least you know you's won't be asked for free child care..... Silver linings and all that.

AuntieDolly Thu 22-Oct-20 08:46:11

Perhaps she'll feel differently after having her own child - I'd wait and see. At lease she will have something else to take up her time.

custardbear Thu 22-Oct-20 08:46:25

Sounds like your DP needs to have a sharp word with her, she's being a spoilt brat, she'll ruin her child with this idiotic behaviour that means she's got no friends herself. She needs to get over herself and let everyone around her enjoy their lives and not step on eggshells around her - honestly, spoilt and not challenged probably because the parents feel it's their fault but she needs to grow up

GoogleWhacked Thu 22-Oct-20 08:52:49

I think she needs to grow the fuck up! As PP said, this has been going on 20 years too long!!
Don't end your relationship, I think your DP may need you now more than ever.

AmandaHoldensLips Thu 22-Oct-20 08:55:28

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your DP and tell him you're done with her and that it's become a deal-breaker for you.

For all you know, he might feel the same way.

dontdisturbmenow Thu 22-Oct-20 09:07:28

Why would you end it?

Why can't he go and see her and the baby on his own? You don't have to be involved.

funinthesun19 Thu 22-Oct-20 09:38:20

What’s she going to do when she wants her dad to look after her child? Will she expect you to just leave the house?

Once she starts needing childcare or a break, she’ll soon start changing her tune and will relax about you being around the baby.
But I certainly wouldn’t be looking after her child without dp there. I wouldn’t fall in to that trap of being the convenient babysitter even though she hates you malarkey. You might be a nicer person than I am though grin

thisldo Thu 22-Oct-20 09:43:34

Over the 12 years she has done some really bad stuff to try and split us up. I don't just mean not speaking or leaving me out of family invites either. She has told him he needs to get his own place if he wants the baby to visit him. ( he lives in my house ). Ideally I think as years go by he would like to think he could have GK overnight from time to time.
My reasons for thinking of ending it is to make his life easier not mine. I will have a talk to him and mention what a lot of you have suggested.
On the other hand I feel like saying to her fuck you. It's your problem.

OP’s posts: |
FredaFrogspawn Thu 22-Oct-20 09:52:25

You obviously love him as this is motivated by his peace of mind not yours. If you split, so you think he’d be happier? Would it really make things ok between him and his daughter? I very much doubt it. At least now he may have a pretty crap daughter but he does have a loyal partner who loves him. Don’t take that away from him unless it actually benefits you more than staying.

aSofaNearYou Thu 22-Oct-20 09:54:30

God she sounds insufferable. It's entirely up to you if you have had enough but personally I wouldn't say your DP would be better off without you, with more opportunities to be blackmailed and treated like crap by her. He should just tell her he will come and see the GC at her place (so no free childcare) and carry on as is.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 22-Oct-20 10:01:21

If there aren’t any other issues - him always giving in to keep a crappy sort of peace with a stroppy adult is one in my book but up to you - then no reason to break up. He’d be mad to let you go for the vague promise of a better relationship with her if she’s so bad at getting along with people in her life and you’re in for years of her trying to play the child as some sort of trump card so I’d stay well clear, let him know you won’t be vacating your own come to accommodate her and just leave them to it.

Alexandernevermind Thu 22-Oct-20 10:10:12

I think you are overthinking this. This has nothing to do with you as a person, this is obviously a father daughter issue. Maybe she has unresolved issues around him leaving when she was 4, maybe their relationship wasn't as close as she wanted it to be, maybe this is some sort of loyalty to her mum, maybe she is a spoiled brat? She doesn't need to being the baby to your home, he can visit her at her home alone. Just leave the door open to her in case she decides she would like to build a relationship with you, perhaps suggest a lunch or shopping date just the two of you? The likelihood is the baby won't have overnights with him whether you are there or not - my parents have never looked after my children, but still have an amazing relationship with them.

pequini Thu 22-Oct-20 10:38:05

He needs to grow a set and be clear with boundaries. If he didn't immediately tell her just how out of court she was to suggest manipulating him into moving out because her highness demands it, I can see why you are really hurt. He doesn't sound like he's ever stuck for his relationship with you. You're not unreasonable to consider leaving a spineless man.

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