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Holidays and adult SC

(35 Posts)
WhiteCat1704 Tue 30-Jun-20 15:19:58

I have a 19year old SD living with us. She has moved out to university but has been back a fair amount for holidays. With the covid19 situation she has been back since March.
We get on well generally but she can be quite lazy and inconsiderate. Not helping out around the house which has been a source if tension. She can also be arrogant and argumentative especially with her dad.
In general she is a good company but is sometimes very difficult to be around. I think it's her age and hope she will grow out of it.

We have been on holidays together several times through the years and every time she has been more interested in her phone then family time. Also caused arguments and got into arguments with her dad and there is this atmosphere of a sulking, entitled teenager....
This year our main holiday was cancelled due to covid- SD was not supposed to go and it was planned when she was supposed to be at uni.
I'm thinking about booking something in UK but if SD goes the price will increase significantly-think over £1000 just for accomodation- as she needs her own space and won't share with her 5year old brother.
As she is 19 and has gone on her own holidays with her boyfriend and friends in the past AIBU to not include her?
We contribute A LOT towards her university costs and she gets everything for free at home even though she has a job.

Her dad says she is old enough not to holiday with us but I'm struggling with the decision as don't want her to feel excluded...(but also feel resentful of the costs and potential atmosphere)

OP’s posts: |
Firefliess Tue 30-Jun-20 15:22:51

Would she want to come with you? If you think not, then your win win option is to invite her and have her say no. Then everyone is happy.

I don't see why she couldn't share with her 5 year old brother though if that's what you're offering to pay for.

Itsjustabitofbanter Tue 30-Jun-20 15:26:00

Would she even want to come? I don’t know any 19 year olds that would want to come on holiday with their parents and little siblings. If she did want to go I wouldn’t ban her from the holiday. I’d certainly have her pay her own way though. She’s old enough to pay her own way and do her own thing, so I wouldn’t be worried about trying to get her to join in in any activities

ReasonablyUnreasonable Tue 30-Jun-20 15:26:16

It is possible that your SD might not even want to go with you. Why not ask her, but say that if she wants to come then she needs to contribute towards the cost?

If I am honest, it seems to be to be a little harsh not to include her. 19 is a strange age between being an adult, but also still being a child of the family.

Obviously, I don't know what you are planning on doing, but how about setting rules for the holiday? Like if you are all doing something together, then no phones allowed, but that if she wants to go out and do her own thing then she can do that? If you are all just lounging about, I don't see what the problem is with her being on her phone. If you are trying to actually do something, then I can see that would be irritating.

chocolatesaltyballs22 Tue 30-Jun-20 15:29:42

If it's a replacement holiday for one she wasn't meant to be going on, I don't think it's unreasonable not to include her. And like others have said, would she even want to go?

ArialAnna Tue 30-Jun-20 15:35:29

It seems a bit mean not to invite her, but I don't think you should cover the cost of her having her own room. Tell her if she wants that she'll need to cover the extra cost. Otherwise she can share with her brother. Hopefully she'll just turn the whole thing down!

WhiteCat1704 Tue 30-Jun-20 15:52:29

She wants to come...Every time I have asked her in the past she wanted to go and this time is no different. I thought that at 19 with a boyfriend and friends she wouldn't be interested anymore but she really is...

I have no issue with the phone if she is on her own but it's when we are eating or talking or anything really..she sits with us but is constantly taking selfies or typing...

I'm going to make it clear that this time she is sharing with her brother or has to cover the difference in cost.
The only problem with asking her for money is that we subsidise university heavily and if she gives us money we will at some point will be giving it back as she needs to cover food and accommodation and the maintenance loan is not enough.

OP’s posts: |
chocolatesaltyballs22 Tue 30-Jun-20 16:21:25

I would make her share with her brother then in that case. And no phones at mealtimes.

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels Tue 30-Jun-20 16:28:19

You could just tell her that she's welcome to come but it does mean sharing with her brother. No option for anything else.

AskOrNoAsk Thu 02-Jul-20 17:59:38

Share with brother or don't come. End of discussion.

MeridianB Thu 02-Jul-20 19:49:34

chocolatesaltyballs22

I would make her share with her brother then in that case. And no phones at mealtimes.

This. She needs to learn some manners.

BluebellForest836 Thu 02-Jul-20 20:00:41

She has to share with her brother or she doesn’t come ... it’s that simple

Firefliess Thu 02-Jul-20 21:13:46

It is hard for youngsters to go on holiday with friends this year though. The Coronavirus guidance is still that you should be distancing with anyone not from your own household and shouldn't be indoors with people from more than one other household. And all festivals are cancelled. So may be more reason this year than most years to include a 19 year old with your family plans as that may be the only holiday she'll get.

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon Thu 02-Jul-20 21:19:57

I think YWBU not to include her

Why does it go up by £1000? That seems masses of money

If it really is going to cost that much for an extra room Id tell her she can come but needs to share with her brother. Or pay a contribution.

I wouldnt expect her to spend everyday with you

HeckyPeck Thu 02-Jul-20 21:31:55

Agree with others that she needs to share with her brother if she wants to come.

Dollyparton3 Fri 03-Jul-20 14:13:24

We have one of these OP, and it's not just the accommodation cost, it's meals out and food etc that increases.

I think you're well within your rights to say she's welcome to come in holiday if she's happy to share a room and chip into the cost of extras.

Hailtomyteeth Fri 03-Jul-20 14:21:03

Ridiculous to expect a woman to share a room with someone else's child. Cover the cost and take her or book and pay for somewhere else for her. That might be cheaper in the ling run than leaving her alone in your home.

WhiteCat1704 Fri 03-Jul-20 15:15:14

21Hailtomyteeth
It's her brother...yes she is too old to be considered a child herself but she can't pay for herself and wants to come and that means for the purpose of the holiday she is a child in our family..if she is "a women" then surely we should not cover any of her costs? Nor would I take "a women" on a family holiday..

Also it's not just my home, it is her home too, until she can be self suffciant which will take a while..

OP’s posts: |
Qwicky Fri 03-Jul-20 15:29:29

At 19 her behaviour is not an expected age thing, It's just being a brat, plain and simple! She needs to grow up.
Also, she's earning but expects you to cough up? For everything? No board or anything else? You're a mug and she's happily taking you for one.

DamsonDragon Fri 03-Jul-20 15:30:30

She is a adult.
She either stays with her brother if you absolutrly must subsidise it or she pays for herself. If she's working a lot then she's having a smooth ride getting wages and money from you both.

Imo shes old enough that if she wants to go she contributes to the cost. My parents stopped taking me on holiday at 16 (I started working) and even when I went to uni, I got minimum loan and had to work to make up the missing cost with my family paying my rent for student accommodation but I was expected to either be smart with my money or work if I wanted treats, nights out, takeaway etc, as once student accomodation was covered the minimum loan is enough to eat if your clever with money.
She is a adult and should be treated like one. If she wants to be treated like a child then she has to tolerate your rules such as chores, and not being on the phone during family time, curfews, sharing a room with brother, family activities on holiday etc.
Shes either a child, or its time to grow up.

gotothecooler Fri 03-Jul-20 15:33:41

I'm trying to work out why you can't book a UK holiday for a reasonable price. Where on Earth are you going that one more person would cost over £1k for accommodation?

Maybe just find a cheaper holiday because that is absolutely scandalous

Iloveacurry Fri 03-Jul-20 15:34:37

She’s 19, an adult. No you shouldn’t be paying for her to go on holiday with you. She can stay at home.

climbingcorfecastle Fri 03-Jul-20 22:29:11

We contribute A LOT towards her university costs and she gets everything for free at home even though she has a job

This stood out to me. It is normal and very expected to support a child/young adult through university. You really aren't doing her a massive favour here, the maintenance loan is adjusted on a sliding scale of parental income as parents are expected to make up the shortfall. You sound really resentful of this though.

SandyY2K Sat 04-Jul-20 00:30:36

It is normal and very expected to support a child/young adult through university.

Exactly. It's also expected that the parent contributes.

I see it as a responsibility of being a parent to support my DCs through Uni.

A 19 yo isn't going to want to share a room with their 5 yo sibling of the same gender, never mind the opposite gender.

You could wait till age goes back to Uni...then go on holiday.

..either her phone...it's not unusual for ppl her age to always be on they phones. Just leave her to it or let her dad talk about it... so you're not seen as the nagging stepmother.

Alternatively.... you could say there's no WiFi. My friends DD said she'd not interested in going anywhere without WiFi 😅😅😅

user1487194234 Sat 04-Jul-20 08:35:13

Supporting them through Uni is the norm surely?
And everything in their house is free Again normal

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