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Is their an age they want to visit less?

(39 Posts)
Woodmarsh Sat 27-Jun-20 13:27:20

OH and I are having initial conversations about moving house and what we will need in the way of space. He currently has his kids one night a week and I'm wondering if there is a rough age that kids become less interested in visiting because they want to sleep over at friends etc?

Just another thing to consider in the already long list

OP’s posts: |
chocolatesaltyballs22 Sat 27-Jun-20 15:17:42

Bloody hell you're lucky they're only there one night a week - that's hardly anything at all! My stepson is here 3 nights a week and he's 19. My daughter (17) has reduced contact with her dad from 3 nights to one night. So I'd say that what you've got now is very little contact in my experience.

TheGoldenChild Sat 27-Jun-20 15:22:10

Mine is 13 and comes 3 nights a week. There will come an age they would rather be with friends but ultimately they still need to be able to visit their dad however much or little as they wish and that will need to be accommodated.

theredhen1 Sat 27-Jun-20 15:23:52

My steps never stopped the one third contact and one moved in full time with only 1 night a week at mums. I too thought they'd grow up and be less interested in Dad's house as i'd seen my own son do and my friends kids do. It was t the case in my house.

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup Sat 27-Jun-20 15:24:05

It depends on the individual child. Some visit less, some visit more and some may want to (and do) move in with you.

I didn't have that choice as a kid due to circumstances, but my brother did. I also know other children (now adults) who decided to live in with their dad and step-mother over their mother.

Theforest Sat 27-Jun-20 15:24:19

I think our stepkids started to come less frequently when they were about 16.

SandyY2K Sat 27-Jun-20 15:45:55

I'll write as if I'm my SIL (married to my brother) who is stepmother to my niece and nephews.

The eldest of my DNs is nearly 20 and still goes to their house. Their rooms will still be there when they go to University...and until they have their own permanent homes, just as it will be at their mums house. Otherwise the message is they aren't welcome to sleepover anymore.

In the case of my DNs, both parents houses are near each other, so the friends thing wouldn't be an issue.

Woodmarsh Sat 27-Jun-20 17:32:07

Mixed responses and depends on the person then, I thought that might be the case. Yes I'm aware its not a lot compared to some, its what their parents arranged. They won't be moving in so that won't be an issue

OP’s posts: |
MeridianB Sat 27-Jun-20 18:43:44

It would be interesting to hear from non step parents and children too - For example, if my together parents had downsized while I was at Uni I would not have seen it as me being frozen out if I slept in a guest room rather than a bedroom designated for me.

Woodmarsh Sat 27-Jun-20 18:53:16

@meridianb that's slightly different though as it would be your main and only home. My parents did make my room into a spare room the minute I moved out. It didn't upset me

OP’s posts: |
SandyY2K Sat 27-Jun-20 18:58:23

I'm married...no stepchildren.

We have a DC at University and one going this year.

We would never downsize until they have permanent accommodation after finishing and have jobs.

Even then there would always be a room for them in any new house.

My parents moved house while I was in University and there was always a room for me and my siblings.

Sunnydayshereatlast Sat 27-Jun-20 18:59:27

Up to the ages of 12 +14 my dc stayed a night or 2 a week.
Then they moved here out of the blue full time..
What a shocker!!
Never say never op.

Woodmarsh Sat 27-Jun-20 19:03:54

@sunnydayshereatlast they wouldn't just be moving in full time without discussion. Their father works long and erratic hours and would struggle to have them full time. If he did go with that option I would choose to live on my own again so at that point it wouldn't be an issue

OP’s posts: |
Coppercreek Sat 27-Jun-20 19:06:18

DSS went from being at ours 5 days a week aged 11-16 to one weekend every few months from 16-19.

He has been here now since Feb without going back to his mums once.

This is his home too and he is welcome to come once every six months or live here. Totally up to him

TheGoldenChild Sat 27-Jun-20 19:07:56

Do you like your stepchildren OP?
Just with you saying you would choose to live alone if they were to move in. Are you hoping at some point they stop coming to visit as they get older?

Woodmarsh Sat 27-Jun-20 19:12:45

@TheGoldenChild they are ok, from the age of 18 I've either lived on my own or with a partner, I'm 38 now. I don't really want to live with children full time as I'm used to my own space and peace. OH knows this.

The kids are young still we were just discussing what we are likely to need over the next 10-15 years

OP’s posts: |
TheGoldenChild Sat 27-Jun-20 19:14:33

That's totally fair enough! I wouldn't choose to live with small children right now either or probably ever again for that matter 😂

MeridianB Sat 27-Jun-20 19:24:35

Woodmarsh

*@meridianb* that's slightly different though as it would be your main and only home. My parents did make my room into a spare room the minute I moved out. It didn't upset me

But that’s my point, if children of ‘together’ families don’t mind when it’s their only home, why should steps? But it depends on their ages when you move.

Woodmarsh Sat 27-Jun-20 19:26:16

@meridianb I see what you mean now sorry

OP’s posts: |
loopy42 Sat 27-Jun-20 19:31:52

My DSD 14 used to stay with us EOW and came one night during the week for tea.

For the last year she comes when she feels like it rather than the strict routine which equates to about one weekend every few months.

She knows she is always welcome and will sometimes just pop in for an hour or two when she feels like it

KylieKoKo Sat 27-Jun-20 19:39:52

I think that when separated parents decide to live a car drive away from each other children can't see their friends when they are at the NRP's house. This can't be nice for a young teen so this might be when they opt to stay with the RP so they don't miss out on their social life.

Woodmarsh Sat 27-Jun-20 19:41:47

@kyliekoko yes this is what I was thinking, they live a 15-20 min car ride away

OP’s posts: |
KylieKoKo Sat 27-Jun-20 19:45:19

@woodmarsh, if you were going to move anyway surely your partner would want to move closer to them so he can see them more rather than seeing it as an opportunity to downsize.

AuntyPasta Sat 27-Jun-20 19:46:08

If they’re very young then they may well up contact as they get older as they can deal with being away from their resident parent for longer.

PurpleCrowbarWhereIsLangCleg Sat 27-Jun-20 19:58:42

My dc are teenagers & visit their father every few months - dc & I are overseas.

Eldest & I recently had a huge row which culminated in: 'well I'll move in with dad then!'

It wasn't pleasant to hear, & we have since resolved the argument, but it made me very aware that my ex (knobhead though he is) has always been careful to have space for them whatever his domestic arrangements otherwise. Pretty sure any gf would be history if she objected.

I know it isn't what you want to hear - I wouldn't want to live with my OH's kids either, nice though they are - but you probably do need to have space for them at least until they're legally adults.

You say you'd move out if their moving in was ever suggested, & that is fair enough & honest, but I think you should factor in at least a room they can share if not their own rooms (obviously dependent on how many dc/ages/sexes) for the foreseeable future.

I know mine would be hugely upset if there wasn't a space for them at their dad's.

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