AIBU

[Lovelyday1]

My husbands 10yo son wants nothing to do with us and hasn't for over a year, he won't answer the phone we bought him, doesn't reply to text and his mum says she can't do anything about it cause he's always on fortnite.
We've been together 5 years (I have 2 DC) and everything was fine until the ex had another baby beginning of last year, she started demanding more maintenance and told us that if we wanted to see SS I had to pay an extra £20 everytime I fetched him. They live 65 miles away. I was so nice to her, sent her loads of presents for the baby and for her too, which DH wasn't happy about.
We were already paying every month, clothes, shoes, coats and school uniform she wanted extra too because she'd also bought 2 puppies.
She has never ever had a job in her whole life but expects me and DH to fund her life which isn't happening.
We refused to pay the extra and she took us to csa and they actually calculated we should pay less so she was fuming. We contacted a solicitor and she said to only pay the csa amount which we now do and the extra we were paying we put in a bank account for him, which is our choice.
That's when all contact stopped and she told SS we wouldn't pay for him etc
We used to drive up and she'd lock the door and they would hide in the house, after more than 10 trips we stopped.
We have had 1 text message from him in a year saying yes in reply to asking if school is going ok.
Me and my DH are expecting a baby and we contacted SS to let him know and again nothing, we sent a card to the house and scan pic still nothing and DH has said we aren't going to let it dampen what's supposed to be a nice time.
The ex has naturally found out I'm pregnant and has now said if we can afford a baby she's going to need £400 towards a new PlayStation and also a new TV because he's smashed them up getting angry with fortnite, this isn't the first time.
We aren't buying them for him and now I'm being called every name under the sun, horrible comments about my unborn baby all because We won't reward bad behaviour.
How do we move forward with this toxic relationship it's so mentally exhausting, she will never ever see sense because she's too money orientated it's not about the child, last thing we want to do is drag him through court.
Do we just keep putting our family through stress chasing after something that's not going to happen or cut ties slightly?
I don't know, please no bashing comments off people who have perfect step children or no step children at all cause you can't possibly relate.
Thank you

[Lovelyday1]

Can I also add that we don't have puppies or live an extravagant lifestyle and we both work.
We have 1 holiday a year if we are lucky which SS has never been allowed to come on

[piefacedClique]

We have some similar issues although not as extreme. All you can do is to continue let ss know you are there for him.... he’s probably feeling very unsettled with new babies around and his mum is probably venting all her issues to him.... including making you out to be public enemy number 1. It might be easier for him to go along with mum rather than say he wants to see you because that probably leads to more drama. In our case we are the stable influence (Mum hasa very demanding job and isn’t around a great deal, they’ve lived in 8 different houses, have horses the care of which is left to sd. Mum on her second husband since she split with my husband and has had a string of new ‘dads’, ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’ who she then had no contact with once mum and her current partner split) and I think sd resented that! In our case sd is 15 and contact is very minimal.... she lives 2 hrs away. We can place the change on how often she came to see us to a single event.... sd asked her dad to speak to her mum as her new step dad was taking the piss out of her and she didn’t like it but didn’t feel she could tell mum... my husband raised it and got a barrage of abuse and then contact reduced rapidly after that. We would drive over to collect and mum would come to the door saying she was too anxious to leave.: the best tho was saying she had bird flu two days before our wedding and that it was probably best sd didn’t attend! Mum has encouraged Sd To lie or keep secrets and it’s l had a negative effect on her self esteem and self worth... sd struggles with her mental health and relationship with mum and Cahms made a recommendation recently that living with us may be a more stable... even just for a Spell of respite. But that didn’t happen.

All we hope is that at some point she will realise that we are here and that we’ve always tried to provide stability and been there if she needed us and have kept lines of communication open to her. We’ve never become embroiled in the dramas and never slagged mum off and hopefully she will come to see That for herself At some point. I used to text but mum would reply saying I was making her anxious and she barely responds to her dad now. It’s really sad as our children miss her terribly and feel like it’s their fault for some reason. What a mess hey!
Anyway... I wish you luck but don’t allow it to take over your whole life... you can’t control the information that he is possibly being fed, all you can do is to be loving And let him know you are there for him.

[lunar1]

Your husband goes to court. He does everything he can to maintain his relationship with his child. That way he knows he has done everything possible to maintain the relationship. His son can look back and know his dad fought for him.

Maybe courts will scare her into complying, especially if there is text/email proof of some of her bizarre demands. Court would take a dim view of this behaviour. They will also be able to see all the financial transactions from bank statements that he has always paid above what is expected.

[Lovelyday1]

@piefacedClique wow all very sad really and such a negative affect on the child.
They are similar and have moved house and school 5 times since we've been together.
SS has said he doesn't want to see us because we don't let him play on fortnite all the time and he will have to stop playing to have meals. We feel that in our house it's our rules and we aren't changing them when he comes as it's not fair on our children that live here. Anyway I think we will carry on with the texts even though we get nothing back and see what happens.
@lunar1 would Court mean dragging the child through it though and them having to be involved and give a statement etc? from what I've read from other people it's really traumatic and he may resent us more?

[Lovelyday1]

@lunar1 we've kept all texts and it proves she's being unreasonable. It's so hard because we want to see him but don't want to force him either cause that will make it worse

[lunar1]

Completely losing a parent is more traumatic than talking to someone qualified to work with children from the court.

Your husband's son might have been alienated from his dad to the point where he will go along with his mum. But as he gets older, maybe even when he's a parent himself, he will understand that his dad did everything he could to maintain the relationship.

No matter how dysfunctional the mum is, if your husband walks away now there would always be the question of why he didn't do everything possible, especially with you being pregnant. She will be able to justify her actions that you're husband wasn't interested as you had a child together now.

[lunar1]

It's great that you have evidence of here behaviour, it will go in your favour.

[lunar1]

Her, not here 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Lovelyday1]

@lunar1 yes I totally agree I didn't think of it that way. Thank you 😊

[FelicityPike]

Why hasn’t dad been to court in the past year?

[Lovelyday1]

@FelicityPike because he was worried about how much trauma it would cause him having to be assessed etc but after speaking with @lunar1 and getting a different perspective it seems the right and only thing to do.
It's hard being a parent and knowing what to do for the best, we all make mistakes and get it wrong and sometimes just need some outside advice

[Butwhhhyyyyyyy]

If his dm is so unreasonable how do you know that she doesn't have his phone and reply for him, a friend has this happen to them.

[Lovelyday1]

@FelicityPike and tbh we kept putting it down to an age thing thinking he would grow out of it and clearly he hasn't

[Lovelyday1]

@Butwhhhyyyyyyy we have thought about this too so maybe Court is the only way.
We only get told what she tells us.
Hmmm that's got me thinking now, maybe going to court and actually listening to what he has to say will be an eye opener.
Thank you for your help xx

[FelicityPike]

Court is definitely the only way to resolve this BUT at 10 his wants & wishes will be listened to and he might make it clear that he doesn’t want contact with his dad.

[Lovelyday1]

@FelicityPike yes I agree at 10 he has his own mind and if worse comes to worse and he does say that then that's something we've got to deal with and hope when he's older and understands abit more it will change xx

[lunar1]

Court will give him a voice. Maybe the only one he's had through all this. Hopefully you will get someone working with him that truly understands parental alienation.

[Lovelyday1]

It's so sad that mums can do this to their children.
I can't stand my ex he's let out children down so many times and doesn't support them financially or in any other way but I would never ever put that on my children and as far as they are concerned we're friends.
I encourage them to go and see him, ring him and reply to text messages. I just couldn't do it to my children it's not their fault

[piefacedClique]

Yes @Lovelyday1and that’s just scratching the surface. We’ve been through all the mediations and stages and it’s cost a fortune at times but we’ve done it And as a pp said Hopefully she will see we fought to see her. It’s so sad as the longer she’s here the more she relaxes and becomes herself but it’s like she doesn’t want to show us (or maybe herself) that’s shes enjoying herself! Mum always found a reason for Christmas contacts to be changed (grandma visiting fromAustralia and it might be her last visit - 15 years later and she’s still fit and well) and then when she did stay at Christmas is was never natural and she felt guilty she wasn’t there. SheS only been on holiday with us once and she had a great time..: but the following year she was ‘too anxious’ so despite orders being in place we never wanted to cause upset.

[Lovelyday1]

@piefacedClique well you sound like brilliant parents and you've done the best you can for her and like you say hopefully she will realise it.

[FelicityPike]

[quote Lovelyday1]@FelicityPike yes I agree at 10 he has his own mind and if worse comes to worse and he does say that then that's something we've got to deal with and hope when he's older and understands abit more it will change xx[/quote]
Absolutely, he won’t always be a little boy.
I wish you both well,

[MeridianB]

It sounds like parental alienation by his mother is a real possibility and the court would address this.

The neglect of letting a 10yo play Fortnite is really grim. The fact that she thinks it’s normal for him to smash up the console shows how far she is from seeing what is right for a child.

Well done you for standing your ground when she tried to make her son a income stream. It sounds like you’ve tried all realistic routes since then and now court would be the next option.

Congratulations on your baby - enjoy this time without letting this overshadow it all.

[Sunnydayshereatlast]

Df's can do this also!! Ds's went nc with a df who tried to break up our relationship... At 12 ds moved here and left a nasty parent behind....
Seek legal advice. At 10 I suspect ex is the puppeteer in all this.

[icantstandhorridhenry]

I've watched this from the other side.
My ex stopped seeing his dad at the age of 5, a couple of years after his mum and dad split up.
His mum was an absolute psycho, claiming emotional and physical abuse, sexual assault, she used to make him exchange my ex in front of the police station for 'protection' - all sorts!
She was the kind of woman that literally said 'I would never bad mouth his dad in front of him' and then would proceed to bad mouth his dad in front of him - even when I was with him.
His dad had enough of all the crap from her and said, look he knows where I am if he ever needs me.
He never stopped sending birthday cards and Christmas cards, he got his sons number from his nan (dads mum) and text him now and again.
When my ex was 21 he decided to speak to his dad, he knew his mum was a compulsive liar and he realised that whatever happened between his mum and dad wasn't anything to do with him and in the 6 years we were together he built a wonderful relationship with his dad - to the dismay of his mother.

It's hard when they're kids, they have to go along with whatever is being said by whichever parent. They ultimately don't get a choice regardless of how many times it's said 'its all about the kids'.
When they're older they can decide what they want in life for themselves.

Don't stop the small contact but don't stress on it, your DH knows he's done everything he can to be there for his son and hopefully one day his son will be able to see that too.

[lovelyday1]

@icantstandhorridhenry it's refreshing to hear it from the other side and it be positive.

We spoke to the ex last night and mentioned court and all of a sudden we were allowed to speak to DS and he told us he doesn't want to come to our house and see us because he doesn't like being told no, his mum lets him do what he wants and he can play on the PlayStation all day and night, he has no bedtime. He only likes to eat McDonald's and sandwiches because he can't use a fork and knife (think that's just laziness)
DH has said we aren't changing rules in our house to suit what his mum does when he's there because it's not unreasonable that we want him to eat proper meals and not be on a game until gone midnight (ex says she's been in his room at 3am and he's still playing and she just lets him cause it's funny)
He also said he doesn't care he's getting a baby sister cause he'll never see her and don't bother sending cards and pictures cause him and his mum threw the last lot away, that really hurt.
We've told him the door is always open all he has to do is ring his dad to which is response was my mum said I don't have a dad anymore just a sperm donor!!! That totally blew my mind that a mother would even say that to a child, even if she thought that.
We are just going to continue as we are with the 3 weekly texts, cards and maintenance because how he is speaking to us will obviously reflect in court and no one would ever force him to come where he doesn't want to be and we wouldn't want that either.

Thank you for all your comments.