Hi all,
I’m at odds with myself and have been since lockdown began and it’s beginning to take a toll on me. This is going to be long winded so I apologise in advance.
So taking it right back me and partner got together in a messy period of my life. I was working full time in the city earning well, my son was struggling at school and with his childminder and she eventually said she couldn’t cope any longer and he had to leave.
I agonised over what to do and in the end my son needed me and i has no one to help so I had to just quit my job ( he has since been diagnosed with ADHD and is more settled). Then got into money problems moved back in with my parents.
Met my partner during all this we got on great, he had two young children with ex 1 and 3 at the time. He told ex about us and She asked us to wait a year to meet the children which ended up being nearly 18 months. Two months after meeting the children I found out I was pregnant.... I was in a part time job still at my parents and he worked full time and lived with his. After much stress and deliberation I eventually decided I couldn’t handle a termination and would keep the baby... my parents agreed I could stay there whilst we saved until the baby was 3 months old. We came up with a saving plan and that was that. I paid for everything for the baby and got everything sorted.
So at 5 months pregnant we had to house sit for his mum for 2 months whilst she was abroad. This is the first time we had all been together for any length of time and it was horrendous. He was shouty with his kids and impatient the kids didn’t seem bothered but it was all abit much for me and I found myself and my son just staying upstairs in the mornings for long periods or finding reasons to go out alone. To be honest I was happy when it was all over and I went back to my parents as I found it all so chaotic and stressful. The kids are actually fine and we got on, it’s more my partners stressy parenting and the kids arguing that got to me.
So baby is born end of last year and partner seems hyper stressed and moody.. this goes on until baby is two months old until I loose my mind and ask him what the hell is going on. Turns out he hasn’t saved a penny and he didn’t know what to do. I had to be out of my parents as they had kindly let me stay so we could get ourselves sorted. So instead of us all moving in with all the kids, with the help with my mum I came up with a plan to get a place just me and my two and him stay at his mums until he could afford to move too and we would then live all together.
So I got a place in March.... and then lockdown happened. His mum had to shield so he had to then stay with me. I was really annoyed as I found a way to make this happen and get a nice place for me and my children for the first time in a long time despite the fact he let me down and now I felt like it was being high jacked. My parents were also annoyed as they had to help and guarantor and said they didn’t want him and his children setting up camp here as they had helped me and the children get this place and if he wants something he is going to have to save and contribute ..... fair enough.
So I said to him I’m not willing to have the children here if he wants to stay here during lockdown that’s fine but I can’t mentally cope with being locked down in the house with my ADHD 8 year old and a newborn, plus the stress of his two here it would be way too much for me. So he has been having them elsewhere for the day and not having overnights with them.
Now I know this is far from ideal for them and I do feel guilty but I genuinely don’t think I could cope as I’m finding it very hard as it is. He works shifts 5 days a week and then his two days off are with his children, I am essentially a single parent and alone 90% of the time. His ex DP got annoyed obviously as he was no longer doing overnights and as he is staying here this is his house and the kids come as part of the package so I need to let them here.
But do I? This was the solution that me and him agreed prior to lockdown because of him not saving money.... this was always my house with my children and it just doesn’t feel fair that due to lockdown this can now become our shared house when he hasn’t contributed in anyway.
He hasn’t helped me with a thing in this house since I moved in eventhough he is staying here until his mum stops shielding.... I pay every bill and for all the food. I am getting housing benefit to help pay for this house as a lone parent so I don’t expect a contribution as much from him as I don’t want to get myself into trouble. But at the same time he does have 3 children .... not 2. But all of our shared child’s expenses I pay.
He pays maintenance for the other two, he spends his free time with the other two (rightly so) , he is currently giving her more money at the minute to help as she is having them more than usual, she didn’t ask for that he did that off his own back. I feel like I’m getting the crap end of the deal whatever way this goes, I can have him here more but with absolute madness and no space and no financial help.... or he can rarely be around , but the house is calm and I still pay for everything.
I want to now start getting my life back on track and making a better life for my children. I’m thinking of uni as I don’t think I could leave my older son for a city job again as he really doesn’t cope so retraining is really my only option.
But I don’t feel like I can do that in this situation. My partner and I despite the picture I have just painted get on exceptionally well and we are like best friends when we actually do see eachother. We don’t really argue and he is reasonable and understanding but absolutely shocking with money and a helicopter parent who can’t leave the kids be without getting involved with every disagreement.
I would happily continue this relationship as two separate households whilst I find my feet again and build a life. He could do the same and then we can join the households when we are both in a better position. However he wants this house to be where we all live in the next year or so but I feel like my children then loose out here they have there own bedrooms and own space. I would rather him get a place for him and his children and then move all in together when we can afford something with space for all of us whenever that will be.
I don’t feel like it’s my duty as his partner to put a roof over his children’s heads.... I understand that doesn’t sound nice but I have done everything for our shared child but I’m not willing to take on that responsibility for another two children who have two parents when I’m not well off myself.
I have been racked with guilt about these thoughts and feelings and I needed to get them off my chest somehow. I do find it hard that there isn’t much time for me and my son in current schedule .. this has only really been a problem for me since I’ve been in this house alone with very little help as he is either at work or looking after his other children.
But would you feel the same as me in this situation or am I playing an evil step mother type role? The fact I feel guilty about it is telling me it probably isn’t that kind and I should be more willing to take on all this and combine our households. But then I want to make something of myself and create a better life. Also I can’t lie having nowhere to escape all the chaos if it gets too much ... feels overwhelming.
Do you think I’m just not cut out to play the step parent role and should walk away so he can find someone more willing to take it all on or living in separate households is a fair solution to all of this for a longer period of time until things are abit easier?
If anyone can be bothered to read to this point then thank you. I realise this makes us sound like teenagers but I am late twenties and he is early thirties... so not quite teenagers, life just didn’t quite pan out as I’d hoped.
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Step-parenting
Can things be separate or should I walk away?
56 replies
Jupin · 16/06/2020 07:51
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