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I know I will leave DH because of his kids

(5 Posts)
FuelTheBanana Thu 11-Jun-20 17:30:00

if my current fertility issues don't work out.

It's something I've been touching on with my counsellor recently and I just had to get this down.

I've realised recently that there is absolutely no way I can stay with DH if my fertility issues mean that I never have a child because he does.

I've never said this to anyone but my counsellor and certainly not DH. I've had multiple miscarriages and we are due to start IVF shortly (after lockdown obviously) there is every chance that this may work out but there's also the chance that it may not.

I am so resentful of the fact that DH already has children. It eats me up on my darkest days. I do care for his kids but I want mine. I do not want to spend my life watching DH be a parent if I never will.

I love him so much and on the whole our relationship is fantastic which makes me feel even worse for admitting this to myself but I know I will have to walk away if this doesn't walk out. I am not strong enough to sit by and watch him have what I am so desperate for and not allow it to fill me with resentment.

If it doesn't work out I feel like I'd be able to cope better either being alone or being with someone who never wanted kids anyway. Even though I'd hate to have to leave.

I can never admit this to DH. Obviously it would be horrible to hear and I know he'd feel like I only wanted him for a child. Which is not true. But I feel like I could never completely forget or move on whilst being here if it weren't to work out. The thought of just being 'step' mum and never just 'mum' for the rest of my life makes me feel so sick. I would honestly rather be neither if I can't be both.

OP’s posts: |
SonEtLumiere Thu 11-Jun-20 17:35:51

Not unreasonable at all. And you may actually feel calmer when you make that decision.
Obviously, you are allowed to change your mind too. But no, as someone who had a difficult route to motherhood, it doesn’t strike me as unreasonable at all.

Best of luck with the IVF.

GrumpyHoonMain Thu 11-Jun-20 18:05:52

Speaking as someone who went though infertility / IVF for 10 years, infertility makes you feel out of control and you get thoughts and feelings you otherwise wouldn’t. It’s good that you mentioned this to the therapist but don’t dwell on it too much. Try and focus on the treatment itself - it sounds crazy but I felt a million times better just doing IVF as I could plan things.

heidiwine Thu 11-Jun-20 18:21:13

My DP has children. We had IVF (failed) and I know now that we will never have children together and I’m too old to start again. I used to feel exactly as you do. Now i stay because of his children and I never ever thought I’d say that.
Coming to terms with infertility (not that I ever will) is the hardest, loneliest, heartbreak. My advice to you right now is not to think ahead just stay where you are. Ground yourself in now.
Good luck.

PeachyB Fri 12-Jun-20 14:09:13

I completely understand how you feel and really empathise. Big virtual hugs! I’ve had exactly the same thoughts before and during trying for a baby with DH. I think it’s important to give your feeling space and validation but to try not to focus on them or make your decision before that is your reality if you know what I mean.

The difference between step mum and mum was very different to me as SC have a mother and that is not the role in which I fit into their life nor would ever want to.

Sending you both the very best wishes for IVF!

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