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Am I wrong to just want some time alone to grieve?

(313 Posts)
RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven Sun 07-Jun-20 13:49:01

My father died two weeks today. He had been ill a long time and he was 88 but it was obviously still awful.

I asked DH whether we could just be alone and not have the SDC as planned last weekend. I wanted to be alone with just him and there were things to sort out. He told his ex this and she agreed.

She is now asking whether they will be coming next weekend. How do I explain to DH that it's too soon? She says they're asking. He's supporting me but I think is nervous of telling her it's too soon and she needs to understand. He's explained to the kids that I'm upset.

I feel bad he won't see them for a few weeks but I've lost my father. Any advice on helping her understand? They usually come one night a week in lockdown.

OP’s posts: |
ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal Sun 07-Jun-20 13:52:36

I understand things are hard for you, but the children need to see their father. If you don't feel up to seeing them then you could go upstairs. You've had one rearranged weekend - how many do you think you'll need? It's only one night after all.

TazSyd Sun 07-Jun-20 13:55:01

That’s a bit heartless @chewchew. The OP is never going to see her father again.

OP, take as much time as you need. Sorry for the loss of your father 💐.

Windyatthebeach Sun 07-Jun-20 13:55:12

You miss your df. They miss theirs.
You can change one of those things..
Sorry for your loss op..

NuffSaidSam Sun 07-Jun-20 13:55:40

You are being unreasonable I'm afraid.

Of course you need time by yourself to grieve and of course you shouldn't be expected to look after or entertain the children. DH should do all of that. But you can't stop them coming or seeing their Dad. If you have children and someone dies or you're ill or there is some other terrible life event you have to navigate that with the children. You can't send them away until you feel better. That's just not how having children works.

You need to find a way to accommodate them and also take time by yourself.

You don't give the ages, but I'm assuming they're children. If you are going to drip feed that they're in their 20's then it's different obviously!

PotteringAlong Sun 07-Jun-20 13:57:34

Honestly, I think you are being a bit precious. I was sitting in a swimming pool watching swimming lessons less than 24 hours after my dad died because you cannot just put the life of your children on hold.

It’s been 2 weeks - how long are you planning on banning your step children from your house for?

RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven Sun 07-Jun-20 13:57:59

They are 10 and 12 and spend most of their time on the internet playing games so I don't see why they can't just do that at home.

I don't want to sit upstairs hidden away from DH. I want to be with him I my house.

OP’s posts: |
RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven Sun 07-Jun-20 13:59:27

We have said we will see them soon at some point and that will be nice. They can text DH if they want still.

Thank you for understanding @TazSyd. I'm aware it's fathers day soon. I was thinking maybe they could come after that again. I don't want them here then it would be too awful.

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LillianBland Sun 07-Jun-20 13:59:50

OP, put yourself and your own needs first, in this instance. You’re going to get posters trying to make you feel guilty about wanting time without children, but the kids will fine. It’s important for children to learn that sometimes adults get sad too and need some time to grieve. Depending on the age of the children, could your husband pick them up and take them to the park for an hour or so, before leaving them back. The mother should have the wit to explain to her children, that it won’t be forever, but you’re just very sad at the moment. I’m sorry for your lose.

Prayingforchange Sun 07-Jun-20 14:00:16

Could he not take them out to the park or something for the day and then drop them home as a compromise?

You won't be alone all day and the kids will get to spend some time with their dad without you

helpmum2003 Sun 07-Jun-20 14:00:22

I'm sorry for your loss OP but I think YABU.

PotteringAlong Sun 07-Jun-20 14:00:24

They are 10 and 12 and spend most of their time on the internet playing games so I don't see why they can't just do that at home.

Or, if they’re not in your way or requiring you to do anything, why they also cannot do that in their father’s home...

TheQueef Sun 07-Jun-20 14:01:13

It's one night.
Either suck it up or keep out of the way but you can't just cancel children.
Sorry to hear of your loss flowers

LillianBland Sun 07-Jun-20 14:01:34

Honestly, I think you are being a bit precious. I was sitting in a swimming pool watching swimming lessons less than 24 hours after my dad died because you cannot just put the life of your children on hold.

Good for you. Do you want a medal? Do you tell everyone that story, who has lost someone close to them, just so you can make them feel like shit, too?

PotteringAlong Sun 07-Jun-20 14:01:42

Also, Father’s Day is 2 weeks away! You cannot stop them seeing their dad for a month just because your dad died. That’s really unfair.

justjessie Sun 07-Jun-20 14:02:18

I'm sorry OP but you can't put the children's life on hold due to this. They are old enough to understand you will be upset and not your usual self but honestly you would be very unreasonable if you carried this on til after Father's Day

RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven Sun 07-Jun-20 14:02:46

The mother has suggested that he could pick them up for a few hours or jus come for dinner but so different with lockdown as stuff isn't open. She tried to say that when her father died she carried on looking after them but I think it's different as they're her children.

OP’s posts: |
PotteringAlong Sun 07-Jun-20 14:03:15

lilian no, I say it as an example of the fact that if you have children you cannot just banish them from the house for a month whilst you grieve. You pull up your socks and you get on with it because they need looking after and supporting and their life carries on.

ImFree2doasiwant Sun 07-Jun-20 14:03:27

I'm sorry for your loss OP but your attitude towards your husband's children is really odd. It's not wrong to want to be left alone, I think it's wrong to stop them coming again.

AppleKatie Sun 07-Jun-20 14:03:32

You can be with him, but you need to be with them too. They are old enough to see you being sad and you shouldn’t have to put on a front or anything but they need to see their dad.

wizzbangfizz Sun 07-Jun-20 14:03:51

You are being unreasonable and sorry about your dad but you can't just not have the kids because you need time I think one weekend was fair enough but to renege on others isn't on.

moveandmove Sun 07-Jun-20 14:04:14

Sorry I think you're being unreasonable. I can understand you wanting the first weekend alone with your dh but I don't see why you need the weekends after that (and the one after that if you're saying you're not seeing them until fathers day).
They have every right to see their father, it's not fair for them to not see him for weeks because you're grieving.
Sorry for your loss.

londongirl12 Sun 07-Jun-20 14:04:15

You don't want them to see their dad on Father's Day? I understand you're grieving and I can't imagine losing my dad, but you can't punish the kids because of that. Maybe go for a walk, clear your head when they're here. Or see a friend / family in their garden for a social distance chat. The kids will resent you if you ban them from the house on Father's Day.

CheshireCats Sun 07-Jun-20 14:04:54

Yabu. As others have said, if they were your children and there was a death in the family you wouldn't send them away. They are your DH's children and they have already been prevented from spending time with them, you can't extend that any longer.

ArthurandJessie Sun 07-Jun-20 14:05:05

I'm so sorry for your loss op but it's not just you and your feelings you have to consider your being unfair to the kids here

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