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Ex stopping contact because of me

(19 Posts)
Bailsgd Fri 05-Jun-20 11:51:19

Ive been with my partner for 17 months we live together and have done for a year. My partner has a young child who stays over every other weekends and bank holidays myself and the child get on I don't do anything care wise apart from make food but that's just what I do for everyone.

his ex has a habit of trying to spoil things we went on holiday a few months ago and he would get phone calls asking for money in the middle of the night she knew we were away and their was a time difference. on our return she had sent child maintenance papers he was already paying.

This year was supposed to be Christmas with us but she made it all about her and didn't agree to her coming until late on Christmas Eve.

it has been quiet for the last few months we have just got engaged and she now says she is refusing contact because of me she has just accused me of hitting shouting and swearing at her child the only time I've ever told that child off is if she is about to hurt herself.

what she doesn't know is that I work with children and have regular DBS Checks and I'm a safeguarding officer. We know social services have been involved with her but not much we can do about that right now.

any advice what I can do as a step parent to be?

OP’s posts: |
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Fri 05-Jun-20 11:57:22

This all sounds very, very fast to me. You moved in with this man after just 5 months? You haven't been together for 2 years yet, and you're getting married? This is a lot very quickly, and sure to be v overwhelming for a small child, which may be why you're getting pushback from the ex. How long had they been broken up?

I would step right back if i were you. Like, wayyyyyy back. Leave all of this up to your partner. He can go to court for access if needs be, but you need to have zero involvement in any of this.

Bailsgd Fri 05-Jun-20 12:20:09

I will start with everyone is very diffrent and everyone moves at a different pace.

They had been Broken up for a year when I met him I met the child when she was 15 months old a year on she doesn't know any diffrent I didn't meet the child for the first 5 months we wanted to make sure we were ok first then it was done very slowly.

I do plan on taking a back seat on this at its his child I just want to be supportive as I'm now being dragged into this for something I have not done or would ever do.

OP’s posts: |
sassbott Fri 05-Jun-20 12:21:09

Allegations against a partner can be made and as with all allegations, they may be investigated. Depending where they have been made.

My advice?

1) where have the allegations been made and to whom?
2) is there a court order in place that is being breached or has she stopped contact and there is no order?
3) Personally (and I have had this with my DP’s EW), I contacted SS directly and let them know allegations had been made against me. I’d share all the information I knew and leave them my details should they need to discuss anything/ follow up.
4) As someone with safeguarding checks, you should potentially also disclose to whomever you may need to disclose to that allegations have been made against you. (Depends on if allegations have been reported to SS/ the police).

Honestly? Get ahead of it all. Start keeping records. Contact the official bodies. Don’t shy away from it (too many people do and it puts them on the back foot).

The most important advice. When you talk to anyone, you remain absolutely neutral and child focussed in your language. You say nothing about the EW, her behaviour, her history. Nothing. You simply report what it is you know, nothing more nothing less. Under no circumstances do you want it to look like you are fuelling the conflict. Anything remotely negative you say can be viewed in that way.

Key to know if she is breaching a court order or not. Don’t be phased by it. Sadly this sort of stuff is commonplace when expartners move on/ cohabit/ get engaged/ married/ pregnant.

Sad but true

sassbott Fri 05-Jun-20 12:22:09

*fazed not phased.

Bailsgd Fri 05-Jun-20 12:32:23

sassbott

*fazed not phased.

Thank you

no they don't have a court order I think this is something that will be on the cards sadly

thanks for the advice on informing other people I will get on to that now. the allegations have been made by message to my partner

OP’s posts: |
sassbott Fri 05-Jun-20 12:46:16

Ok.

So, anything from here on in should be in writing. Neutral, civil, brief.

Spoken conversations (that enable further allegations) should be avoided.

Court route is not a certainty (yet) and I would avoid it if possible (can make things a lot worse before they get better).

If the message is to your DP, then he needs to contact SS and talk to them. And seek their advice on how to move this forward in the best interests of the child. He cannot he angry/ frustrated/ or say anything about her. He simply states facts and says contact has been stopped, this is what has been alleged. How does he move forward?

I would also consider mediation as a route. Courts will want to see that mediation has been attempted and that it has failed (signed off by a mediator) before being bought to a judge.

sassbott Fri 05-Jun-20 12:50:11

You may also not like this, but it may be that interim, until this issue is resolved, he asks for 121 contact with just him and his child. She will have no grounds to refuse him that and if he has offered that and she refuses, then she will look unreasonable.

This has been done to cause problems between the two of you. Splitting between you and him and ultimately you and his child. It’s divisive behaviour and needs tackling head on. Don’t let it divide you both, just deal with it appropriately and calmly. Use your professional head and step back.

Bailsgd Fri 05-Jun-20 12:53:42

sassbott

Ok.

So, anything from here on in should be in writing. Neutral, civil, brief.

Spoken conversations (that enable further allegations) should be avoided.

Court route is not a certainty (yet) and I would avoid it if possible (can make things a lot worse before they get better).

If the message is to your DP, then he needs to contact SS and talk to them. And seek their advice on how to move this forward in the best interests of the child. He cannot he angry/ frustrated/ or say anything about her. He simply states facts and says contact has been stopped, this is what has been alleged. How does he move forward?

I would also consider mediation as a route. Courts will want to see that mediation has been attempted and that it has failed (signed off by a mediator) before being bought to a judge.

Thank you again

He is on the phone to SS now he has been very good with messages making it only about the child nothing else no cross words just civil and to point.

I don't think he can do mediation as he was a suffer of mental abuse from her but I suppose he could just speak to mediation and ask them.

OP’s posts: |
notapizzaeater Fri 05-Jun-20 13:03:50

Could your job could be at stake here if she keeps making these allegations?

I'd be making sure everything was documented and in writing

TurtleEye Fri 05-Jun-20 13:08:49

Can he not see the child by himself until this is resolved?

sassbott Fri 05-Jun-20 13:12:01

Good. See what SS says. He starts an online diary now and makes notes of what he said to SS/ who he spoke to / times etc.

He can absolutely engage a mediator and depending on the history (mental abuse, can it be proven?) a mediator can sign off and say they are not a candidate for mediation as a result. Then it can move straight to court.

You say the child is young. Preschool young? Primary school young? That has a bearing on what can happen next too.

humanvision123 Fri 05-Jun-20 15:51:24

You can have a web camera in your own house for the contact time. Easy way to prove that she is lying.
You can inform her that you don't spend any time alone with their child, so anything she might say is against two people's words.
Record all the threats said via text or email.
Stay away and don't try to "sort out" their relationship as ex partners and co-parents. Not your business.

humanvision123 Fri 05-Jun-20 15:54:47

Btw: If she will make a case against you, you most likely will loose your job.

DrDetriment Fri 05-Jun-20 16:04:02

OP you have my sympathy. My DP's ex also stopped contact when he moved in with me and in doing so breached a court order. The courts frankly didn't care though. The mum says jump and the courts say how high. I'd suggest mediation if possible and try to avoid the court route if at all possible. It's a good suggestion him meeting up without you. Document everything.

sassbott Fri 05-Jun-20 16:16:49

@humanvision123 terrible advice.

No, you don’t lose your job just because allegations are made. Especially by an ex where child contact is involved. Police/ SS/ cafcass and family courts are all aware of the heightened conflict around child contact. That’s an awful scare mongering thing to say.

Second of all, most courts/ Cafcass actively discourage the recording of children.

Having someone there for contact/ not being left alone is very sensible when allegations are being made.

Annaminna Fri 05-Jun-20 19:43:44

oh, crazy ex can do horrible things.
I know a second wife who lost her job in a social departmen. Even all the allegations were wrong and court said, she is not guilty, her work decided to move here to another department and she hates this new job and that she feels like people still wonder...would she? Maybe she did but covered up well??

dontdisturbmenow Sat 06-Jun-20 09:26:17

I didn't meet the child for the first 5 months we wanted to make sure we were ok first then it was done very slowly.
You've been together for 17 months, have lived together for a year, but didn't meet the child for 5 months?

Does this mean you only met you when her dad had or was just about to move in with you?

Nattyjackie Sat 06-Jun-20 10:27:12

Do Not Install Cameras in your home! that is terrible advice and would be a huge invasion of the child's privacy.

Forget your status at work and the checks you undergo, that is largely irrelevant. Checks don't disprove abuse it just means it hasn't been recorded against you. Equally plenty of people in safeguarding roles have been found to be abusive. I say that not to accuse you by any means but to caution you to rely on these as proof.

Your partner needs to see his child on his own for the foreseeable future. For her protection and yours. Does he have a relative he can go to for contact visits?

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