Step parenting

[JJJJM]

Obvs it's strange time's .. !
My partner lives in my house it's 'our home' I have a 26 yr old daughter who is immune suppressed with a 7 yr old and 6 month .. I've been careful in a bubble & my B/F has been working safely .. He has not been 'in close contact' with his kids for 10 weeks -we've walked bike rides golf etc. But now his X wife has said ..Life's back to normal & we're having them to stay Fri/Sat/Sun every other & Tue/Wed every week .. The children in the last 10 days have had friends over Beach her partner his kids stay over etc. I'm not willing to extend my bubble as kids carry & don't show symptoms -this in the beginning was no contact due to her 'health anxieties' .. I start work in 4 weeks & think I should be able to choose if the kids stay in our house 'under the circumstances' as it means I will not be going to see my daughter and grandchildren due to vulnerability..
His X wife has now said he has to stay back at their marital home the days he's to have the children & she'll stay at her B/F ... Is 4 more weeks too long to wait - just staying a safe distance but seeing his children 7 days a week if he wishes ?

Any thoughts from mums with immune issues Thankyou

[aSofaNearYou]

I don't have a lot of patience for the kind of people that have already been going to beaches and having lots of friends over, so I do think he should be able to say he doesn't think it is safe as a result.

But would you staying with your daughter for the four weeks be a possibility?

[JJJJM]

She hasn't the room unfortunately .. I would have to isolate I think for 7 days or maybe see if I could be tested before hand ???
It's going to be a 'deal breaker' I think as previous to this he collected his daughter from the coach station after flying in from Cambodia saying she felt ill .. I asked him not to & I'd get her a taxi etc. He said he wouldn't then did .. to be told that's my daughter she's ill and I'll do anything she wants I'm her Dad ..!
I had specifically asked him not to due to COVID then coming near me & me then not being able to visit my daughter with her children .. Who's also going through a cancer scare at the mo .. she's an only child and we are very very close - He's told me I'm just being 'controlling' .. Surely staying safe is not being controlling .. he does whatever he likes !

[lunar1]

He misses his children, maybe it's your turn to compromise now. You can go see your daughter from a distance for a while.

[aSofaNearYou]

I really don't like the sound of his attitude, he sounds reactionary and selfish. It's not "controlling" to consult and agree on comings and goings with the people you live with during lockdown - it is not the same as normal times and you have to respect that any decisions put everyone at risk and everyone has to agree.

I can see why he wanted to see her but he should not be angry that you expected it to be a joint decision.

[SD1978]

I agree with @lunar1 - he's compromised for the last ten weeks- can you not do the same now?

[JJJJM]

I could compromise not seeing my daughter & kiddies so that they can have a sleepover with their Dad .. he will then have to isolate from me for 1 wk maybe 10 days elsewhere as they will obviously be all up close to him.
I can't then have him in the house as I've said they've have been mixing with a lot of their friends, x wife's boyfriend his children their Mum her B/F & his children ..
I'm a salon owner who's never had this time, work endless hours & have 'stuck by the rules'
I've possibly 4 more weeks of enjoying my daughter & grandchildren before it goes crazzzy .. 🤷🏼‍♀️ oh well
It's horrible situation for so many people - we're still here & able to enjoy our loved ones on FaceTime 💛 Take Care

[SeriouslySoDoneIn]

Your daughters an adult, his are children. YABU -completely. A child’s need is always more important.

[7yo7yo]

It’s your house, he lives with you, tell him to jog on.
His children may be children but they aren’t your children. I would put my own daughter first.

[aSofaNearYou]

So is the situation that after you've gone back to work, you won't be able to see your daughter again until the pandemic has passed? Applying a bit of humanity to the situation and bearing in mind she's currently having a serious health scare, I would say you are very reasonable for wanting to be able to see her during those 4 weeks. Presumably your partner will be able to see his children for potentially many months whilst you aren't able to see yours.

[getupngo]

Yes .. I would just like to enjoy 4 weeks with them -he's at work all day so I cycle to hers 1/2 hr away & we sit in the garden -I take a packed lunch but I can't go near them - this can't happen if he has his children to stay I can't risk going anywhere near her .. None of them inc. her hubby have left the house for 10 /11 weeks - she's had this since being 13 .. I think I just feel so guilty as a Mum .. She maybe 26 but she's my only child,I was a single parent, she is now my best friend as I am hers.. it's emotional times 😔

[DennisTMenace]

How old are his children? When parents split up the children and up with two homes, not through their own choosing. Suddenly telling them they can't come to their home is not very nice to do to a child.

You are not allowed to have close contact with your daughter or go into a house with her, so can only see her outside and 2m away anyway. Is this far enough given her risk level?

[Sweettea1]

So you want to go see your grown daughter so he can't see his younger kids is that correct? Given they haven't seen there dad in so long I think it's fair that he has them. He's done 10 weeks without having them so that you can see your daughter time for you todo the same.

[aSofaNearYou]

He's done ten weeks without having them so that you can see your daughter time for you todo the same

I think this depends on how long you envision the pandemic situation lasting - if OP is potentially looking at several months until it is next safe to see her daughter, surely him waiting a few more weeks isn't such a big ask? Let's not forget his children are unfortunately the one's who have been breaking lockdown rules, making it unsafe to mix with them.

[Sonotech]

Ah I was with you till your last post.

This is all about you enjoying time of work and constant access your your daughter and grandkids.

It’s selfish. You should stay at hers and sleep on the couch

[MadameButterface]

His children aren’t responsible for choosing to breach the lockdown rules though? Lots of people with vulnerable relatives are finding a balance on this, a couple who live opposite me, the woman works in the nhs and the man has MS, they are still living together, just taking distancing measures in the home, so op should be able to find a way to see her dd safely and allow her partner to see his children. Observing the distancing measure she already has been doing should be fine.

[flamingochill]

Sofa - I took her posts to mean that once salons open in 4 weeks she won't be seeing her dd and GC?

[getupngo]

No I won’t be seeing my daughter or grandchildren when I go back to work - I’m in too closet contact with the general public .. My daughter won’t be able to work until there’s a vaccine !
I can’t go on er sofa as I would need to isolate beforehand - I’ve asked for any Mums who are ‘Immune Suppressed’ For their advice ..
It’s ok you saying I’m selfish etc. as mums we’re not selfish - maybe ‘Dad’ (my partner) should’ve listened led to me when this first happened instead of working (he’s financially very stable & didn’t put his children first) ..
Thanks anyway 🥰

[OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe]

Name change OP?

[SD1978]

With all due respect- you state this may be a deal breaker- if I was him it would be mine. If you socially distances form your daughter, there wouldn't need to be a reason for him to self isolate before coming in the house. You want to use your time (selfishly and understandky) to see your adult daughter whenever you want die to a previously busy work schedule, and expect him to give up his kids to do so. I'm not sure who I'm less impressed with out of the two of you- him for continuing to do this, or you for refusing to see any other side than yours.

[MadameButterface]

Wow op not one but two name change fails on this thread