Dread at step child visits

[Bella75]

Hi, I'll give you a bit of background info first. I've been married for almost 9yrs, x2 children from previous and x1 step child. No crossover/affair, both single when we met.
From almost day 1 my husbands ex has made life for us extremely difficult, despite us doing everything we can for all the children and treating them equally. Nothing I do is right, ever in his ex's eyes. Quite simply put she despises me although I've done nothing but treat her and my stepdaughter with respect.
My stepdaughter is 17yrs old now and because of all of my husbands ex's snide/nasty remarks, he treats her like glass and he literally spends all of his time with his daughter, shopping, time at home, every waking minute, he doesn't say no to her, although I do demand all the children have manners and be respectful. My husbands attitude completely changes, I know it's not just me because his brother and mum noticed too. I've tried to sit him down and chat but he clearly isn't going to change. It's come to the point my anxiety levels absolutely soar when around my stepdaughter and husband together. It's like no one else exists with them. I know nothing will change but it really gets me down.
Does anyone else have a similar experience when they have their stepchildren?
Sorry for the rant but I don't really have anyone to talk with about it all.

[Ibizafun]

No words of wisdom but I sympathise.. it’s the refusal to say no which I find the hardest and my sd, now 21, knows she only has to threaten to cut him off as she has done in the past. The demands grow daily..

If you’ve tried to speak to him and he knows you are unhappy but refuses to change, you don’t have much choice but to accept it or leave.

[SomeBunnyovertheRainbow]

I have experienced similar but your SD is nearly an adult so will she be going to uni / stop staying over as much?

[TorkTorkBam]

I don't like how you blame his ex wife for his parenting choices. His behaviour is the problem yet you've written many more bad words about some woman who isn't present when he is patenting than about him.

So you've married a piece of wet lettuce?

[TorkTorkBam]

Why don't you have anyone to talk to? What about your mates? Especially divorced ones.

[SomeBunnyovertheRainbow]

Why don't you have anyone to talk to? What about your mates? Especially divorced ones.

Not everyone has divorced friends. Why would you think that they do?

I can understand what OP means by not having people to talk to about problems regarding SC. Most of my friends would have experience of parents, several have children, but I don’t have any friends who have SC or have dated a man with children.

OP can have an opinion about her SC ex too.

[HeckyPeck]

That sounds hard.

What does he say when you chat to him and explain how you’re feeling?

[BarbeDeMaman]

My dh is like this. His dd is 30 and doesn't speak to him at the moment but when she does get in contact it is like a secret affair. He will ditch everyone to run off out with her. She has behaved appallingly towards him in the past and she resents him but he will do anything or give her anything to get her to forgive him (for being the shitty father her mother says he was. He was as good as could be in the circumstances but both of them (dh and his ex) were young and behaved badly at times). I quite like her and him but cannot bear them together. We have an 18 year old together who despises him for how he lets her (sd) walk over him and it has had a negative impact on their relationship but he doesn't beg our DD in the same way, he lives with her so gets cross and ignores her or whatever: normal behaviour. It's hard for DD to grasp that SD thinks that DD got the better deal!

I believe it's because he did feel bad for her growing up. He and her mother and his only other relative, his mother, acted at times like they were on a soap opera they were so ott dramatic and rarely put the child first. She witnessed some crazy stuff. And he was always being threatened with not seeing her. Sometimes it was carried out. He didn't spend enough ordinary, decent time with her for them to have a normal relationship so he didn't ever relax. To the cost of their relationship.

In my case OP, it didn't improve and sad for her and him, it's easier when she's not around. Though that's not my place to decide it's what she decided because he said the wrong thing a few years ago.