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I do absolutely everything for my step kids and I'm sick of it(12 Posts)
I've fallen into the trap. I do absolutely everything when my step kids are here and I'm sick of it.
I do all of the cooking, I'm the one who asks them to tidy up after themselves, I entertain them, I wash their clothes, I ask them to get their pyjamas on, I ask them to brush their teeth, I asked them to get dressed in the morning and now I also look after them all day on my husbands days because he's working.
I'm starting to feel so resentful that I don't even want them to come anymore. I'm absolutely aware this is a husband issue and not the children though.
How do I get myself out of this hole without sounding like a wicked witch who doesn't want to 'help out'? I honestly feel like an actual mum when they are here and its not what I wanted.
I'm not working right now but husband is (outside of home) so this has given it even more ammunition that I do all of the house stuff including children related things.
I don't mind doing most but I feel like I'm just left to parent his kids 99% of the time and I'm starting to get bitter about it.
How can I reign this back in without looking petty?
At the risk of asking the obvious, have you talked to him about it?
By telling him that as he is their parent at least 50% of parenting when they are at home should be done by him, and as you care for them while he is out, he should do the majority of parenting when he is at home.
Does he do any house work when they are not there?
You shouldn’t be seen as a wicked step mum for not helping out.
You can still engage with the kids without doing the grunt work. I’d tell him that from now on he will do the washing cooking etc for the family when the kids are there and 50% of what’s needed doing when they are not.
When they say ‘can I have a drink’ my response would be ‘oh dad can get that’.
It’s not the kids fault, he needs to do his job as a father.
Eh it's a bit tricky. If he's financial supporting you the bulk of the housework and general cooking etc will fall to you. The parenting is a different ball game though. I was in this position and I refused to do anything for the 15 yo + kids because they were lazy but I would do my dh and the smaller children's laundry etc. How old are the kids and what is the living arrangement?
He's not supporting me financially. I have a job, I've just been furloughed.
If it's a temporary arrangement while you're off work and the kids are in school, I would just do the care while he's at work and then when he's home I'd be taking a backseat. You have to be aware that when you commit to someone with children, arrangements change! When I married dh he had the kids 50/50, a few years in step son started staying on a permanent basis. I was not pleased. It was a damn nuisance but I absolutely had to suck it up.
If you don’t mind looking after them while he’s at work temporarily until your furlough ends you could carry on doing that, but then he can sort asking them to clear up after themselves, entertaining them, getting their pjs on.
He should want to do that as they’re his kids and he doesn’t see them all day.
I’d say something along the lines of:
“I’m happy to carry on looking after the kids while you’re at work, but I’ve been thinking and they are missing out on time with you so I’ll be taking a step back when you get home from work so they get you as a parent as they only get to see you half the week as it is.” And then stick to it. He cant really argue unless he’s lazy and doesn’t want to parent. And if he is, then he needs to change not you.
Otherwise if you find conflict hard tell him you have a course you’ll be doing in the evenings and he’ll have to be the one “on duty” as soon as he gets home.
I've seen so many stepmums in this situation on here now.
It's so ridiculous that these dads arent stepping up properly. And it's also really sad that many stepmums feel they're being taken advantage of but darent say anything in case they seem to play up to the stupid characature of being an evil stepmum.
These women are amazing for holding it all together and parenting kids their partner should be spending more time parenting themselves.
You'll still get slagged off on here though. You're a stepmum so you're obviously satan...you should feel lucky to be parenting those children and love them more than your own children...blah blah blah
So what would have been the plan if you were at work? Who would look after them then?
Lockdown is lightening, so tell him you're not able to do it, as you'll be out and he needs to make plans with his Ex.
Was the situation different before lockdown?
stop being the skivvy - who said you HAD to do it?
Tell him he needs to take responsibility for his own kids or they don't come over unless he's there.
Spend your time on your own stuff.
Why are YOU feeling guilty for wanting to take a step back?
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