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To think DHs ex is being ridiculous?

(69 Posts)
MulligansSteakHouse Fri 22-May-20 17:06:17

Me and DH currently rent, we were notified that we will have to move out by the end of this year as our landlord wants the house back, this is no problem as we were planning on buying this year before all this Pandemic situation kicked off.

Obviously now that's a bit difficult and we're not sure how long it's going to last. Therefore in order to save some more funds in case we need a bigger deposit, we are going to move in with my father.

He has quite a large house and me and DH and his kids will have our own rooms so they will still have privacy.

DHs ex is kicking off about this as she 'doesn't know my Dad' and thinks we should have our own space when the children are with us (which we will).

I could understand if we'd not been together long and my dad was a stranger but we've been married for years now and the kids know my dad and get on well.

And anyway, as said above his house is big enough to give us all our own space anyway.

If it weren't for this current situation we'd probably not even consider this but we want to buy asap and still this year if we can so that we don't have to find another rental in the interim and can save more toward a bigger deposit.

Are we unreasonable? We'd be hoping it was a 6 month max situation.

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MulligansSteakHouse Fri 22-May-20 17:06:45

And p.s my dad lives in the same town so it's not because its hours away or anything.

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Chasingsquirrels Fri 22-May-20 17:08:06

It is nothing to do with his ex at all.

RandomMess Fri 22-May-20 17:09:32

Yeah just ignore, she would be stupid to prevent contact over it.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Fri 22-May-20 17:10:02

How old are the kids? Will they have a room wach? Have you sat them down and given them a chance to be completely honest with you about what they think of the idea?

It could be that she's kicking up a fuss on their behalf, if they don't feel comfortable living there.

caringcarer Fri 22-May-20 17:11:00

It would not be a problem for me. The ex might not like it but I don't see how she can stop you.

MulligansSteakHouse Fri 22-May-20 17:12:02

They are 7 & 9 and they won't have a room each but they don't now either at our house. They will share until and hopefully have one each when we manage to buy (same sex).

We've spoken with the kids at length and in all honesty they seem excited more than anything, my dad has a dog they love and a big garden which we don't have. They've certainly not given us any impression that they don't want to.

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LemonPudding Fri 22-May-20 17:15:05

She needs to mind her own business.

LonginesPrime Fri 22-May-20 17:23:55

DHs ex is kicking off about this as she 'doesn't know my Dad'

As PPs have said, it's none of her business, but in the interests of avoiding any disruptions to contact and maintaining a positive relationship with the ex for co-parenting purposes, surely the simplest solution is to put them in touch so she can meet him and put her worries to rest?

In normal times, I'd suggest everyone having tea together and obviously a phone call or webchat is going to be a bit more awkward, but it's still perfectly doable.

And if you give her the opportunity to get to know him and she declines, then she can't very well complain, can she?

MulligansSteakHouse Fri 22-May-20 17:25:54

I think it's rather odd asking my dad to facetime my husband's ex partner to be honest.

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Magda72 Fri 22-May-20 17:28:29

@MulligansSteakHouse I agree!
If you're together years & she's never had issues before she should the judgement of you & dh.

Isitnextyearyet Fri 22-May-20 18:01:20

Everyone manages relationships differently. If I was planning this I would have talked to my ex before making a plan to check out what he thinks. We don't discuss every little thing because there is trust there - but this is fairly significant. I'd hate him to think he didn't have a say in who our children live with, or that I wouldn't listen to his concerns.

aSofaNearYou Fri 22-May-20 18:10:52

It's none of her business, and in my opinion also displaying quite a privileged outlook to think major financial decisions like that can be made on a whim and don't need to take practicalities into account.

I wouldn't force your dad to contact her either, he's already doing you a huge favour, he shouldn't have to jump through hoops for the privilege.

LonginesPrime Fri 22-May-20 18:21:12

I think it's rather odd asking my dad to facetime my husband's ex partner to be honest.

Well, you're not obliged to and I certainly wasn't suggesting he do it if he's uncomfortable with it!

And to clarify - I wasn't thinking about it in terms of your dad FaceTiming your husband's ex - I was seeing it in terms of your dad meeting the mother of the children he's taking in to live with him.

No-ones's doing anything wrong here and she can't stop you moving in, so you don't have to do anything. Although it's definitely easier to co-parent when everyone gets on. But it's up to you - it was merely a suggestion!

ChocolatelyAsFuck Fri 22-May-20 18:24:47

I think it’s weird to say it’s none of a mum’s business where and with whom her children are going to be living.

She’s overstepping the mark, but would most of you be happy to have your 7-year-old move in with a man you’d never met?

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 22-May-20 18:30:50

None of her business. You crack on.

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 22-May-20 18:33:05

I think it’s weird to say it’s none of a mum’s business where and with whom her children are going to be living.

They’re not just her children. Their father is an equal parent and he gets to make decisions about where they go and what they do on his time with them. So she objects, then what? She deprives them of a relationship with their dad for 6 months? She gets to choose and pay for an alternative property for 6 months? What’s your suggestion?

NoHardSell Fri 22-May-20 18:33:55

I'd be worried about child sexual abuse if my child was living with someone male that I didn't know. I don't know if that's the angle she's coming from, but it would be top of my list of concerns. I know she can use Sarah's Law to check, but I can understand her concern, if that's where she's coming from on this.

Chasingsquirrels Fri 22-May-20 18:37:09

I think it's weird to think that someone should have any say over the completely reasonable living arrangements of someone they co-parent with.
It just isn't any of her business as long as the children aren't neglected or at risk.

If she has geniune concerns about the well being of her children when in their other parents care then that should be addressed, but her not knowing a person in the house the other parent occupies on its own wouldn't be a cause for concern.

My children have gone, with their other parent, to stay in the home and in other places on holiday, with the male and female relatives of their step parent. I have never met these relatives and, because I trust their other parent to make sure our children are safe, I have no concerns at all about this.

aSofaNearYou Fri 22-May-20 18:38:55

She’s overstepping the mark, but would most of you be happy to have your 7-year-old move in with a man you’d never met?

I wouldn't be happy about it but that's the nature of being separated, you can't expect to have that level of control. Where both parents are considered trustworthy, they are perfectly entitled to make such decisions separately.

MulligansSteakHouse Fri 22-May-20 18:43:24

I know she can use Sarah's Law to check, but I can understand her concern, if that's where she's coming from on this

I know someone's profession isn't a guarantee on this sort of stuff but my Dad is a police sergeant so I'd hope that that would give some sort of assurance that there's nothing in his background that would come up on something like Sarah's Law if that is a concern.

I do get it to a certain extent but the alternative is to allow her to dictate when/if we can buy a house which doesn't sit right with me. Unfortunately due to current situatione, this is our best shot at buying a house in the near future.

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trulyconfuseddotcom Fri 22-May-20 18:44:57

Maybe the best way to consider it would be to imagine how you and DH would feel if situation was reversed? If the kids were going to be living with her father, for example - would anyone be concerned about that? It's no more or less likely that either of your fathers would pose any sort of issue with the children.

MulligansSteakHouse Fri 22-May-20 18:45:12

And they won't be left with him anyway, not because of any concerns but because I can't see why they would ever need to be and it wouldn't be fair on my Dad to do so!

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LonginesPrime Fri 22-May-20 18:46:47

If the kids were going to be living with her father, for example - would anyone be concerned about that?

Not her father - her partner's father. Her father would probably know DC's dad already.

TorkTorkBam Fri 22-May-20 18:47:32

My DH introduces the children to people I've never met. They've shared rooms and such like on rugby tours and such like. DH is capable of deciding who is safe. Same for this situation.

If the exW thinks the exH is incapable of keeping the children safe then she needs to go to court with evidence.

Mind you, it might be polite to introduce them given the children will doubtless talk about him.to their mum.

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