We are a wicked witch and a sperm-parent.

(15 Posts)
humanvision123 Mon 18-May-20 12:35:01

I am a stepmother that doesn’t fit into any category. My boyfriend is a “sperm parent”.
I wanted to write this after reading how people are calling every separated dad “a sperm parent” as an insult. Every step-mum is automatically a wicked witch and a homewrecker and should know her place: clean, cook, chauffeur and have no say about her life with her partner , because her DP is a dad to someone else's child.
My boyfriend is a perm parent - literally, not as an insult that is widely used in this forum.
Years ago, he agreed to help a friend of his friend. She was desperate for a child. But already 40+ and without a potential partner, she was worried that she will miss that chance in her life. (I have no idea why she did not want to use a sperm bank).
DP was also single back then. He had no children on his own and believed, that the chance to meet someone, with whom he might have a child on his own, was non-existent. (because the women he met were already in the age where they had children they wanted).
So as they are both accountants, they made a very detailed and practical plan, talked through and agreed on all the aspects and possible financial issues. He was fully aware, that no law will protect him (or her) if one of them will back off from “sperm donor” agreement at any point in the future. If one day she will go to court, he will be DNA-d and will have to pay child maintenance. She was aware, that if he will change his mind at any point, he will get the access to his child and by law, she has to allow a child to get to know his/her dad. Taking all this in account, he agreed to help her in condition that the child will know him as a dad and he can see and get to know his child. (In his mind at that time, he would have the child for a weekend in every months and will take him/her to a holiday every year) They agreed that he will be on the birth certificate. She did choose to have a pre-planned C-section and he decided to go to the hospital with her. He wasn’t in the room during the delivery but was able to hold his child when they were transported to recovery room. He said that he found himself 100% hands on from the day one. First weeks he visited them every day after work to make sure they are OK (she wasn’t allowed to do much obviously) and then he had the baby each weekend for a night. Unexpected development for both of them was when after couple of months, she told him that she cannot cope very well. That having a baby was more stress and more hard work than she imagined. She couldn’t cope with the fact that she had to get up in middle of the night to feed the baby. He offered to have the baby more often. Soon he had their baby for 5 night a week. It is more or less the same; 5/4 him 2/3 her arrangement from that day on. But they were and are strictly separate parents. She never came to his house. He did have some sleep-overs in her house during the first 6 months (to help out with the baby, when she had some health-issues). They did celebrate their baby’s first BD, first Easter and first Christmas together and later - only the birthdays together.
Mother of his child met some of his friends when they came to visit the new-born, in her house. But she was never a part of his friendship group. (They do have one common friend). He met some of her closest friends when she entertained at her place. (He was there to look after the baby so she can prepare for the party and talk to people during the party). They never mixed their friends or their social lives.
I met my DP via friends (his child was 18 months old when we first met) and we were friends for nearly two years before we started dating. His child used to have me around - we were out with this group of friends with children. He got to know my DC. Falling in love with each other was a bit of surprise for both of us. We just clicked… it developed very naturally. We were lucky, because we did not have to start “introducing a new friend” and did not have to worry, will our children like our love interest. He’s child already enjoyed spending time in my company for a year and has been asking to spend weekends with us over the previous 12 month.
So…I found myself not fitting in. I am a step-mum for a 5 years old. There has been no break up, but I am still called “a wicked witch” and “a homewrecker” when I have any opinions about any aspect of co-parenting.
My partner is a “sperm-parent”. He did nothing wrong in any aspect but he constantly gets negative comments from people who don’t know him well. First reaction from people is always very hostile:
He has his child for 5 night out of seven? Boohoo, big deal - a sperm parent took some responsibility.
He is putting his child interest first? So what, he has to - is an arsehole who doesn’t live with the mom.
He is dating, how dare he?! He should not have a personal life if he made someone pregnant! Who cares, she asked him to! If he put his d** in someone, doesn’t matter what was the agreement - he will not have rights for future life after that.
It’s really sad that people are so negative. We don’t know why people made their choices. Those decisions are made with best intentions in mind at the time. But life goes on, people move on and we just have to live the life we have. We don’t know their back stories and reasons. Yet we are always quick to call names.
The dad who is a sperm dad, doesn’t have to be an arsehole. It was just his only option for have a biological child.
It was the only option for both of them. Somehow, the mum gets applause - well done, you have your own biological child! Dad, who did the same thing for the same reasons - is an arsehole and a sperm parent who should be ashamed of himself! Its unfair!
There are number of people who are planning to do the same: Coparents.co.uk www.coparents.co.uk/?gclid=CjwKCAjw5Ij2BRBdEiwA0Frc9Q7fu6JT_AaAwWkRjpoKU65YDiDqC43yq-uIIm__0BvzvupWEGoA5BoCBvEQAvD_BwE
It’s time to start considering that being a "sperm dad" is actually a respectable title too.

OP’s posts: |
BaronessBomburst Mon 18-May-20 12:42:28

'A sperm dad' is a bloody ridiculous title.
He is the child's father.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets Mon 18-May-20 12:45:14

Men on here referred to as sperm donors are the ones who fuck off out of the child’s life and avoid maintenance.

Your husband sounds like he’s the resident parent. Who calls you the wicked witch?

Your post is a bit confusing.

Mombie2016 Mon 18-May-20 12:46:36

I would (verbally) smack down anyone who made that or similar comments about my ExDP. He's not my DP any more but he is the father of our children and nobody gets to talk shit about him.

dontdisturbmenow Mon 18-May-20 13:18:21

It's ironic that having gone into so much details about the circumstances of the child conception, birth and first few years, you have described your partner to be everything but a sperm donor!

Is it what he calls himself or is it what you refer him as? If the latter, I don't see how you could insult him more.

dontdisturbmenow Mon 18-May-20 13:23:15

Just to clarify, a 'sperm donor' doesn't want to be a father. They give sperm because they like the idea of having little me in the world, or genuinely care for women who are desperate for children but don't have a partner, or in some countries, do it for the money.

They don't make plans for contact arrangements and certainly don't attend the birth of their child.

Milbo Mon 18-May-20 13:23:56

I am so confused by your post. I’ve only seen dads referred to as sperm donors and that has literally become their role in the child’s life- they have no role in their upbringing. Your partner is clearly the kid’s father. Your post is very defensive, are you able to clarify why? Step parents do come in for a harder time on here but that probably reflects the target market more than anything.


DollyDoDo Mon 18-May-20 13:28:05

I have never read the term sperm dad on here.
Sperm donor yes but as pp said it's usually a label given to men that check out if their childs life.

As for wicked stepmum sometimes the posters are wicked. Not because they are step mums but because they show contemp for their stepchildren, want them out of their life, bully the children, are jealous or just nasty people.

I say this as a stepmum of 17 years.

HermanHermit Mon 18-May-20 13:32:11

he negotiated a highly risky deal with someone he barely knew. Idiotic almost.

MeridianB Mon 18-May-20 19:03:16

So who is calling him and you all these things? If it’s the child’s mother then do you know why? If it’s anyone else then you don’t need them in your life.

What’s the problem you are trying to solve?

CarlottaValdez Tue 19-May-20 05:50:54

So who is calling him a sperm parent?! I don’t understand.

InkogKneeToe Tue 19-May-20 06:11:31

That's a very long and convoluted post just to get someone to click on your link hmm

PatricksRum Tue 19-May-20 06:12:06

Are you saying MNers are calling him a sperm donor?
I don't understand the point of your story. As you said no one knows himconfused

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin Tue 19-May-20 16:49:46

Sperm donor (the insult) - dads who disappear without a trace after pregnancy or birth

The mums who are left with all of the responsibility should be applauded.

With regards to the Dad not getting support from the rest of the world for being a majority parent then that is what all resident parents get told. My ex sees my kids 1 night in 14 and I'm told that I'm lucky that the kids have a great Dad. hmm Welcome to the differing standards that Resident and Non-Resident Parents are held to. That's why your partner gets more stick for having a new partner than the mum too.

Annaminna Tue 19-May-20 22:40:48

I noticed that too: dads are always wrong. Whatever the topic is here.
They can not do right.
I realised that its just thing for MN: chatroom for mums who are bitter and angry with they ex-partnes.
OP - look around and you find that there are loads of people who do respect a good dad and his input.

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