Judging each other's parenting

[Wishiwas20again]

Moved in with DP at the end of last year. Lockdown has not helped us settle into a routine at all, and I'm trying to take things day by day at the moment, but going forward I don't know if I can stop the feeling of DP judging me and my DC for 'negative' (for want of a better word) behaviour
and similarly, me judging him and his DC.

I feel we are so protective of our own children that it is affecting our relationship because resentment of the actions of the 'other' DC and DP are getting in the way.

How can I stop this feeling? Has anybody got any ideas on how we can be more of a team rather than them and us?
Thank you

[aSofaNearYou]

Well, what are you each judging the other for?

[Wishiwas20again]

My DS can be a grump, and nit picky. He's defiant and often wants his own way. I feel like I'm on eggshells when DS is like that because I know DP hates the nit picky behaviour and feels I should do more about it.

His DS is very loud, to the extreme. It permeates the whole house. And he can be a grump and competitive. I feel like the noise is so disruptive that more should be done to try and tone it down.

Both children are lovely when they're not on one. But I feel like I can't shake off the fact that DP is saying things in his head about me and DS. I shut down and distance myself which I know isn't at all helpful.

[SistemaAddict]

How old are the children and how long have you been together?
The current situation is causing a lot of negative things to be amplified but what were things like at the beginning of the year?

[URonthewayoutmate]

How old are they both? Tbh they both sound like they need setting some boundaries on what acceptable behaviour.

I’d sit with DP and both of you draw up a list of what’s acceptable and you both stick to it for both kids.

You may have a serious clash or parenting ethics.

[Wishiwas20again]

Thanks, they are both 7. Mine nearly 8.
Been together 3.5 years, moved in together at the end of last year.
Things were much better when in our usual routine but this feeling has always been there from the start - from me in any case.

I'm a real worrier about what other people think, always have been. And this has carried on into what people think about my parenting and subsequently my DS.

We said before we moved in that we'd sit down and make a list of behaviours and consequences but we've never actually done it. We should have really, there's no excuse, we've just got into muddling through.

[Harriett123]

I think you need to prioritise writing out that list and setting those boundries.
The last thing you want is 2 kids in the same household being parented completely differently. I have a friend who really resent step parents / step siblings based on "there kids were allowed to do x y and z and I always got in trouble/ got yelled at for it". These issues have lasted into adulthood in this circumstance.
Nip it in the bud and use the lockdown to set up these boundries and make sure you and DP are on same page.
I agree that irritation is amplified by the current situation. I love my DSS to bits but his incessant talking and bouncing off the walls with excess energy is doing my head in. I long for the return of sports so I can throw him at his rugby coach for a couple of hours to burn off some energy.

[Wishiwas20again]

Thank you all for your replies.

Harriett - that is a massive thing for me - how his upbringing affects my DS in later life. I'm very anxious about it because my childhood has had a massive impact on how I've led my adult life so I'm always very conscious of it. Perhaps too much in some ways.

I've also got a post in relationships about anti depressants too. I feel like my anxiety is at a level that I can't see the wood for the trees.

I'm constantly listening out for arguments between the DCs and hoping that my DC hasn't started an argument. I don't feel like I can stop this thought pattern on my own.

[MeridianB]

I thought you were going to say they were teens. What does a 7yo have to be regularly grumpy about?

Do they get on? Do they share a room. Does each get lots of 1:1 time with their parent? Do they both see their other parent?

[Wishiwas20again]

They each have their own room. My DP's DC live with us full time and my DS is here 50% of the time.

They do get on, they like doing similar things and they like hanging out together. The competition between them is high but I figure it would be at their age.
My DS just can be a grump when he's here, bit of a kill joy sometimes. I think he feels on the back foot with being the only one that lives between two houses so it's like he's trying to put others down to make himself feel better.
When my DS is with his dad he has his undivided attention and when he's here my time with him is diluted. I have been making sure we do more just the two of us but often he wants DP's son to join us too, but I am insisting we do stuff just the two of us because we both need it.

[Backstreetboysgirl]

My husband’s 11 year old daughter has told him that she doesn’t want to see us. This keeps happening when we don’t do exactly what she wants. So she punishes us by saying she doesn’t want to come round anymore, also ignores our phone calls and texts. We don’t want to give in to her demands. We also have a son together, who is 4. We have tried leaving it for a few days but sometimes she will back down, but we haven’t seen her now for over a week and she is being very cheeky and full of attitude. Her mother is no help because she encourages her as she has never wanted her to have a relationship with her father as she is very bitter. He has a court order stating when access should be, but how can we force an 11 year old to come round when she doesn’t want to? We miss her so much but we can’t be blackmailed and controlled by her either. We would normally see her 2 or 3 times a week. Any advice?

[AllsortsofAwkward]

Does you're dp son ever go to his DM? It sounds difficult because of the similar ages. Does you're ds get one to one time alone with you?

[AllsortsofAwkward]

Backstreetboysgirl
You would be best to start you're own thread to get suggestions as people are relying to the op who posted.

[dontdisturbmenow]

You really really need to talk to each other. It's ok to question some things and to compare to some extend, but you need to come together on one united front, agreeing similar boundaries etc...

At the same time, you need to accept that they haven't been brought together so far and some things will have been very different and will continue to be so. That and all kids are different and it's almost always much easier to get along with our own children.

[Thelovelyone]

Sorry I thought I had - first time using this x

[Wishiwas20again]

Allsorts - Thanks. No he doesn't see her. His DS is here full time unless the grand parents are available to look after him.

I'm trying to increase the amount of one on one time with my DS, he likes playing with DP's DS though so I think he feels like it's a chore to spend time with me! We do things that he likes to do though so when we are together we have a good laugh and he does enjoy it.

I try and say to myself that everyone in the house will be narked at something someone does at various points, that's just life. But try as I might I can't shift this thought that when my DS is being a kill joy that my DP isn't slagging him off in his head. Writing it down, it seems so daft, because DP is an adult and DS is a child.

I guess the other main factor is what DP is thinking of me when DS is being narky. I find it difficult to parent him at times (DS not DP! , we are both so stubborn. I don't let things go in the sense that there will be a consequence for bad behaviour but as an example -

We've been sitting in the living room, the boys have been watching TV. My DS has had the remote control and has made all the choices on what they have watched, I've told him he needs to take it in turns. DPs DS doesn't appear to mind, he's just going along with it, but nonetheless I've asked him to take it in turns. My DS out and out just said no, I've told him that sort of response won't help him in life and that team work is a better. DP wasn't here throughout it all but if he had been I would have been incredibly anxious. Wondering what he was thinking about my DS being so controlling and wanting his own way so much. I don't want another argument so have left it but if DP was here I would have felt that I needed to take it further, knowing that it would cause an argument with my DS even though DP's DS didn't give a toss what they were watching.

I hope that makes sense.

[Wishiwas20again]

dontdistrurb - thanks. You make total sense and I get it in theory. DP and I do talk about it, he reassures me but there is something which I can't switch in my head. It's like at the time I listen but when things kick off what he says goes out the window and I'm back to feeling judged and shameful.

[LoveSummerLife]

Does your son often say no when you ask him to do something?
Maybe part of the issue is you don’t like the behaviour so you are more sensitive about it and feel like he is judging you for it?
But if your son often refuses to do as you ask I imagine your partner is judging you tbh.

[LoveSummerLife]

Sorry just seen that you have discussed this with your partner and he has reassured you he isn’t, I would guess it’s because you feel sensitive about it then.

[Windyatthebeach]

Imo you do not accept a 7 yo telling you no...
Maybe your dp is correct in judging you..

[Parsley1234]

Can I ask why does your son live with his father and not with you ? Sounds like he’s looking for attention feeling left out going between two homes as you said up thread ?

[Wishiwas20again]

Thanks for adding to the thread.

I got in touch with my GP this week and got some anti depressants.
This issue has definitely been exaggerated by me. I've been getting more and more sensitive and anxious, I can see that now. I've been feeling much more relaxed this week and everything has felt much easier. Everyone has been much more relaxed in return.

Parsley - My exh and I agreed that we would co parent 50/50 split. I'd have my DS with me all the time if I could but unfortunately I can't.

[sunflowersandtulips50]

That is sad that you cant have your own DC more often but have moved in with a man that has a son the same age. I feel sorry for your DS that he now has to come and see his mum living with another man and DC

[begoniapot]

Talk to each other about your feelings!

[Parsley1234]

That is quite a strange situation your partner has a son who doesn’t see his mum and lives with you full time so you see him more than your own child plus your son comes 50% of the time and they are so close in age probably same year group sounds like it could have alot of problems. I suppose it must have been easier before you moved in I hope your partner is a good one

[Wishiwas20again]

I agree, it's not ideal at all, it's heartbreaking. My DPs wife died and when my exh and I split up we agreed to 50/50 custody not ever imagining that i would be in this situation.
The guilt I feel about my son is immense, maybe that's part of the problem.
It actually wasn't always easier before we moved in together, we were often at my DPs because it was bigger so my son didn't have his own space (slept in the spare room) whereas now he has a lovely bedroom with all his things around him.
They aren't in the same school year.
My DP is lovely, he is very understanding. And as I say I've been feeling better this week having had a clearer head. My son loves it here, loves having a mate to play with.