Step Son telling lies and causing tension

[FabledBunny]

I know everything is worse atm with lockdown but right now im hating being in my house and dread when my SS comes to visit.

He has a habit of telling lies, exaggerating things, drama seems to follow him everywhere. Its just really getting me down.

I feel like I fall for his stories everytime, i get upset and defensive on his behalf, spend time reassuring him and talking things through but then bam, everytime it turns out that actually it wasn’t quite how he spun the story or he wasn’t completely innocent in the situation and then im left feeling like an utter fool, a complete mug and then i get sad, then angry mostly with myself that ive allowed it to happen again.

This has now resulted in me feeling resentment towards him and really not enjoying when he comes to stay as there is just ALWAYS something. I don’t like drama, or lies or billy bullshitters and of course this whole situation causes tension and upset talks between myself and dp. Its his Son so of course he will forgive him anything but i feel like im being made a fool out of.

He goes between our house and his Mum’s and things are up and down. One minute we are the favourites and he moans about his Mum and step dad then the next month its switched. Im so tired of it, i dont know where i stand with him and i feel like i cant trust him, he can act nice as pie to my face and i think oh we’re actually getting on well but then for instance i will over hear him on his phone to his gf making fun of me and mocking me. That makes me feel like shit in my own home! This is supposed to be my safe happy place, i dont have a choice to have him here or not as he is the son of the man i love ffs, i just want to scream.

He’s 16.

[SandyY2K]

Maybe next time he comes up with a new drama, say "let's talk to your dad about this". Then let his dad feel with it.

Show sympathy if required...but let his dad deal with it.

It can be difficult for children from split homes dealing with 2 sets of parents and personalities...but parents just expect them to adjust because 'kids are resilient'.

I suspect both sets of parents/steparents annoy him at different times. Just like my mum or dad annoyed me as a teenager over different issues.

[aSofaNearYou]

Well it sounds like he's the boy who cried wolf when it comes to the lies, so perhaps your partner needs to have a talk with him about that.

But it sounds like you keep getting sucked in by him and then disappointed, so I would take everything he says with a pinch of salt from now on. In your position I would probably confront him about the unkind things you have overheard and explain they were hurtful (he's old enough to know this and have this conversation witn you), but I would certainly step back somewhat emotionally. If he has no respect for you, there's no point you investing too heavily in your relationship with him. Just be nice to him but don't in any way centre yourself around whether or not he likes you.

[HollowTalk]

It sounds horrible. How old is he?

[thejollygargler]

He is 16 - just like it says in the OP.

[RebelWhoWashesFor19Seconds]

At 16 I'd be pulling him up on it and questioning its authenticity. Every time.

[SandyY2K]

I certainly wouldn't be pulling him up, because it will just be turned around on you and you'll look like the bad one.

I presume he didn't intend for you to hear his conversation with his GF... the truth is most of is say things about others we wouldn't say directly to them.

Direct him to his dad as I suggested above and let him deal with it.

[FabledBunny]

Thank you for your replies. I think yes, i do need to take a step back, be pleasant, polite and kind but anymore stories i will just say you need to discuss with your Dad.

I just feel shit because i have tried so hard with him, tried to make our blended family happy but time and time again he has taken the mickey and its really hurt me.

I just wish he’d cut the crap, be honest and allow me to see his genuine true self because i almost feel that after 4 years i really dont actually know who he really is.

I also resent him for the fact it then all causes tension and upset between myself and dp and part of me thinks he enjoys planting these little seeds and then sitting back to watch the fallout.

[HollowTalk]

Sorry, I didn't notice his age.

[HillAreas]

He’s a manipulative little shite and I’d honestly not bother too much whether someone like that had a good opinion of me. No matter who’s child they were.
I’d be so tempted to just say “sorry DSS, don’t have any interest in your fairy stories today - go and annoy your daddy” and walk away. So tempted. Probably best not though, but I’d at least be saying it most forcefully in my imagination.
Back in the real world, just let it wash over you. Another wave of bullshit that has nothing to do with you whatsoever goes in one ear and floats right on out the other. If he’s ever in any actual bother I’m sure he will go to one of his parents.

[SandyY2K]

I just wish he’d cut the crap, be honest and allow me to see his genuine true self because i almost feel that after 4 years i really dont actually know who he really is.

Have you ever thought that maybe he doesn't know his true self. I can tell you that many adults seek therapy and say exactly that. "I feel lost. I don't know who I am"

Or...some kids have an unpleasant side to them... you must have encountered such ppl in school.

It sounds like attention seeking behaviour. Is he the only child of both his parents?

[Lynda07]

I'm presuming your step son is a teenager. He's old enough to be told it really is not right to be running down his mother and stepfather to you, that no family is perfect but they are entitled to not be talked about behind their backs. Then say if he has any complaints about you and his dad he should talk to you about it and not carry tales to his mother. It's important to be firm about such things. Obviously if there is any question of abuse that would be different but that is not the case here, from what you've said.

He may take that on board, it's part of being grown up as is not making a drama out of nothing.

That's for starters.

I agree with the poster who said he may not know who he is yet, that isn't unusual but one thing is for sure, he will want to be a person who is liked and respected. First he has to like and respect himself and that means making a few changes.