20 yr old step daughter lies to my husband, Do I tell him?

(13 Posts)
kittykatmum Sun 05-Apr-20 16:21:07

This isn't new. Normally I just say nothing. This time its a little different. With the virus running rampant, the 20 yr old has made it very clear it doesn't effect her and only kills old people.

H told her get out and stay at her mum's if she couldn't stop acting like it was a big party. That was 3 weeks ago.

We couldn't get SS because he was at the mums with SD coming and going. According to H, SD has been at the mums now for the last 14 days therefore we are getting SS.

Its not even about the virus for me at this point, we at this house have been very isolated and if SS or SD come here now, there was no point to it because...

I can see on social media that SD has been out with her BF who was in dorms at university, I can see she spent the night in another city, I can see all these things.

She is lying to H, I know from past experience, that telling H that she is lying just blows back on me so he clearly doesn't care or want to know, he hates confrontation.

What would you do? Just say nothing? Tell H?

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Standrewsschool Sun 05-Apr-20 16:25:27

Can you show him the evidence. The camera never lies.

kittykatmum Sun 05-Apr-20 16:32:37

The problem isn't the evidence, I can show it to him, the problem is and has been in the past that I am the one that generally gets the blow back. He resents me for forcing him to deal with his daughter.

I stopped calling out the lies a long time ago. She was always telling mum she is here and H she is there while she is out with friends etc etc. SS lies too, constantly - it seems to be an acceptable thing.

Why is this one different this time? He specifically put his foot down on this one due to the virus, and I am angry because we have worked hard to stay out of the public, so what was the point if she just brings back everywhere she has been for the last 3 weeks through the front door.

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Hidingtonothing Sun 05-Apr-20 16:42:43

I think I'd be prepared to take the blow back on this occasion OP, protecting your household has to come first. I would just present the evidence and then respond to any protests from DH with 'don't shoot the messenger' type replies, it sounds like it was his decision that SS couldn't come if SD hadn't been isolating so you can just keep tossing the ball back to him if he tries to make it your problem.

kittykatmum Sun 05-Apr-20 16:47:46

I'm leaning to telling him on this one. It's going to be a long couple weeks with H being passive-aggressive while we are locked in the house together.

I disengaged years ago, any engagement with his kids was a losing battle for me.

My D has been here with us - she has not gone to her Dads currently if I let SD in here, then there really is no reason to hold D here from going to see her Dad at that point either.

I sort of just hope he finds out, unless her mum lies for her, which she may, H should find out when he calls to get SS. Otherwise I guess I have to tell him. sigh - always the bad guy.

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wibblewobblejiggle Sun 05-Apr-20 16:54:09

Forget about the brat.
Why are you putting yourself through this life?
What does he actually bring to your life?

RoseyOldCrow Sun 05-Apr-20 17:12:59

I'm with Hidingtonothing
This time is way to important; it's about major health risk, not "just" lies. Tell him.


kittykatmum Sun 05-Apr-20 19:21:44

sigh - I think I knew the answer - just needed another person to confirm it. If it doesn't affect me directly, I stay out of it - not my kid.

This one is different - it's not just lies.

I don't know if she lies to her mum as well, or they both just like to H but it is a sad thing either way.

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Elieza Sun 05-Apr-20 19:35:35

Yup it’s hard but you need to show him. He needs to stop trying to be his kids pal and man up and patent them. That means sorting them out when needs be not turning a blind eye. They won’t love him any less for it.

HillAreas Sun 05-Apr-20 20:12:29

Nah, this isn’t for opinions or feelings or what his brat of a daughter wants or doesn’t want to do.
This is yours and your family’s home and health potentially under threat.
You put up with nobody’s pish when it comes to that.

HollowTalk Sun 05-Apr-20 20:16:05

I'd struggle to respect my husband if he behaved like that.

Hidingtonothing Sun 05-Apr-20 21:32:11

Elieza is spot on, they won't love him less, quite the opposite. I've seen this in action, DH's ex was the pushover parent in my DSC's case, she totally avoided doing any of the hard bits of parenting them and left it to DH to discipline and set boundaries for them. They're adults now and they both love their mum but they have no respect for her and don't seem to particularly like or admire her as a person which I find really sad.

But they do respect DH, and me actually, because they can see that we've always tried to do what's best for them, even when it wasn't what was easiest. It isn't your job to force your DH to parent but I wouldn't want to be party to him being deceived either, even if that is partly because he prefers to stick his head in the sand.

kittykatmum Sun 05-Apr-20 22:04:57

Unfortunately, SD is already an 'adult' being 20. Argue that you may it is a child-ish adult - I am in agreement, that boat has long since sailed.

I hate being put in the position to lie to H or be a tattletale. If it wasn't for the virus, I have been turning the other cheek for a long long time now.

For those comments about why I stay etc - that is a completely different topic. I made the decision to keep my marriage when I chose to disengage. It was either attempt care for/about his kids and likely end my marriage or choose to stay married and disengage from his kids completely - separation of husband and father. Zero respect for the father - that is between him and his offspring. I am the wife.

But this one puts me in a position that I haven't been in for a long time, and that make me angry.

I heard rumblings that SS and SD may not be coming now for other reasons, so I will await the outcomes, but if confirmed they are coming again, I will have to deal with it.

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