Was I unreasonable? Took step kids out.

(232 Posts)
WhatTheFuckityFuck Fri 27-Mar-20 11:00:40

Try to keep it brief.

I've been looking after my step kids pretty much every day since lockdown, during both DHs and ex's contact days as I am the only one WFH and they are keyworkers so wanted to help out as much as poss. This has obviously included school work etc..

I've been taking them on a small walk at lunch times, avoiding people obviously. We live in a rural area so very very rarely meet anyone on the way and if we do we keep strictly to the distancing rules. I don't take them out other than this. Do all shopping etc on my own when DH is home with them.

Anyway ex has gone mental saying I shouldn't be taking them out of the house at all without checking first, she doesn't want them going anywhete etc etc (my DH knows full well that I have been doing).

AIBU? I'm following the guidance, getting them out for a walk and some exercise and keeping away from others. I'm not completely thick. I feel like saying if she doesn't trust me to look after them on her days then she can send them to school. I'm trying to be as helpful as possible but I've barely even had a thank you and all I've had now is a load of ranting and raving.

Ps. Been around for a long time, usually get on alright with their mum other than a couple of issues similar to this in the past i.e. wanting me to look after them when it suits but then moaning when I do.

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AnneLovesGilbert Fri 27-Mar-20 11:02:42

You’re following the guidance and she has no right to dictate how you spend time with them. If she wants to do that she can have them and arrange appropriate childcare herself. Tell her to do one.

dontdisturbmenow Fri 27-Mar-20 11:03:44

No you are not. You are following the guidelines and they need some fresh air. If your OH is ok with it, then she needs to accept it.

IceKitten Fri 27-Mar-20 11:03:54

You have done nothing wrong OP. Maybe she overreacted through stress.

Rainbowqueeen Fri 27-Mar-20 11:04:24

Your DH should be dealing with this

But yeah, you’re doing nothing wrong. She’s obviously scared so I’d cut her a bit of slack unless she has form for this kind of behaviour

WhatTheFuckityFuck Fri 27-Mar-20 11:09:54

Thanks. I could understand if I was taking them off to a crowded park for a picnic but as I say I'm not stupid. It's a short walk over dinner for some fresh air and avoiding any contact with other people.

And yep DH is fully aware. He just ignores stuff like this and rolls his eyes but tbh its annoyed me. I feel like I'm trying my best to do, what I feel is a pretty big, favour and it's not recognised at all.

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HillAreas Fri 27-Mar-20 11:11:11

I’d not give it head space to be honest. If she doesn’t want you looking after them then she can sort out an alternative, can’t she?
You sound like a lovely step mum.


bloomingwonderful Fri 27-Mar-20 11:11:15

I would just reply telling her that any messages like that again and you will only be covering your husbands contact days and she can get to fuck.

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 27-Mar-20 11:13:13

It’s a massive favour. To her, not your husband or the kids. If she’s going to be unpleasant she can stop accepting your kindly given help. There’s an argument for rolling your eyes and ignoring it but the flip side is letting her think she has any rate to tell you how to spend your time - she doesn’t.

WhatTheFuckityFuck Fri 27-Mar-20 11:15:05

Her argument is I should have checked first given the current situation hmm

I told my DH just in the sense of 'what we did today' kind of thing but no I didn't ask permission from anyone. Considering they are both happy to leave their children with me all day I figured they trusted my judgement (DH does!). confused

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WhatTheFuckityFuck Fri 27-Mar-20 11:16:46

The only reason I'm reluctant to start anything up is because she's frontline NHS and I know she's under a lot of stress right now (and I appreciate the job she does!).

It's hard to bloody bite your tongue though.

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RandomMess Fri 27-Mar-20 11:17:01

Block her from your phone so she can only deal with DH?

WhatTheFuckityFuck Fri 27-Mar-20 11:18:38

Block her from your phone so she can only deal with DH?

I would in usual circumstances but I know she likes to check how they are doing in the day and I'd feel bad not allowing her to do that.

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RandomMess Fri 27-Mar-20 11:19:37

Well tough TBH she wouldn't be able to if they were school!

WhatTheFuckityFuck Fri 27-Mar-20 11:20:06

That's true!

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Branleuse Fri 27-Mar-20 11:20:12

tell her that she is welcome to have them back

RandomMess Fri 27-Mar-20 11:21:08

Not to mention you are saving them being in school with other children and adjusts

Ahundredpercentthatbitch Fri 27-Mar-20 11:22:49

Tell her to fuck off and sort her own childcare then, cheeky bitch. Your DH is their father - he's fine with it, what is there to discuss?

WhatTheFuckityFuck Fri 27-Mar-20 11:25:04

Okay I think I'll reply something like

'Hi X,

I'm sorry you feel that way. I'd have hoped that you know me well enough by now to know that I would never put X and Y in harms way. I have strictly followed the guidance given of one form of outdoor exercise a day by taking them on a small walk nearby to the house. We rarely come into contact with anyone else and one the occasions we have, I've followed the distancing measures completely.

If you're not happy with this then I think it may be best that you look to sort another arrangement with DH.


May be a bit too nicey nice but I don't really want to go in all guns blazing. It would be shit for DC if relationships broke down now of all times.

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WhatTheFuckityFuck Fri 27-Mar-20 11:26:02

Or do I sound like I'm explaining myself too much?!

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Windyatthebeach Fri 27-Mar-20 11:26:47

Suggest she finds alternative child care as you obviously aren't responsible enough...
Or tell her to stfu and be a bit more appreciative of your efforts...

RandomMess Fri 27-Mar-20 11:27:49

I think the nice approach is best because at the centre of this is the DC.

I hope she realises she is being a dick!

Windyatthebeach Fri 27-Mar-20 11:28:05

Do not send that apologising message!! Block her and let dh deal with her.

bloomingwonderful Fri 27-Mar-20 11:28:08

I think it's fine.
Calm, casual, you've not given her any way to argue or attack you.

Her options now are accept you're in charge. Or cut off her nose and arrange something else.

WhatTheFuckityFuck Fri 27-Mar-20 11:30:31

Yes I'm trying to say 'fuck off and find something else then' but between the lines instead of outright.. grin

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