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Do you ever feel like an interloper?

(14 Posts)
HatRack Tue 24-Mar-20 14:24:57

Just that really.

Do you ever feel like a spare wheel in your relationship? Life is good but suddenly his ex can piss on your life at a moment's notice?

How do you mourn the loss of the predictable, secure relationship you thought you deserved? I am struggling.

OP’s posts: |
MellowBird85 Tue 24-Mar-20 15:00:44

The ex can only piss on your life if you and your OH let her. What’s been happening specifically?

HatRack Tue 24-Mar-20 15:04:01

We have 50/50 care (no court order). When her current boyfriend ditches her we receive threats that she will go to CMS unless we replace her income.

That's one example.

Typically it's her moving goalposts, changing plans last minute, messing with routines.

OP’s posts: |
Chucklecheeks01 Tue 24-Mar-20 16:16:15

Ignore and let her go to CMS.

HollowTalk Tue 24-Mar-20 16:26:37

Tbh I couldn't be in a relationship where that sort of thing wasn't immediately stamped on.

HatRack Tue 24-Mar-20 16:47:48

I don't think uprooting my own kids (I'm a window) is advisable during this crisis. I need to forgo my hurt feelings and sit this out for my kids. But I am seething with resentment.

OP’s posts: |
Techway Tue 24-Mar-20 17:05:36

Life as a step mum is definitely harder and if you add in drama from ex & your partner then it can make life impossible.

Starting point is to accept that your partner is not blameless, the dynamics created between him & his Ex started before you were on the scene. He has some responsibility. I speak from experience as was a 2nd wife and now an Ex wife.

Secondly I think you have to lower your expectations and have in therapy speak "radical acceptance". You can't change anyone only your thoughts about it. Resentment is a relationship killer but also harms you and robs you of joy and good health. Hopefully there is enough good to outweigh the negative stuff.

Finally, blending families and associated drama may not be for you. There is no shame in that. In fact it is a strength to know when you have reached your tolerance.

No matter what anyone says, no one could prepare you for the difficulties that most step mums face. It isn't the easiest path in life to take and I would no longer get involved with a man who came with "complexities"

HatRack Tue 24-Mar-20 17:15:35

"
Starting point is to accept that your partner is not blameless, the dynamics created between him & his Ex started before you were on the scene. "

Yes. It certainly sounds that way by his stories. She's used to getting her own way.

There is definitely enough good to outweigh the negative however I'm a very anxious problem so waiting in fear for her next interference.

OP’s posts: |
TheMotherofAllDilemmas Tue 24-Mar-20 19:54:47

My partner’s ex is just like a spoiled kid, prone to sulking, tantrums and using the kids blatantly openly as pawns.

The kids get upset at her drama, but also get upset if their dad doesn’t drop everything and do as mum demands.

I hated being in the middle but I have learned now that I do not need to be part of that drama, I refuse to get involved in it, his contact days are my freedom days, I meet with friends, make plans, catch up with my own child.

My plans had been cancelled due to her last minute plans twice. I asked him to pack his things and leave as I was not going to have another woman dictating what we do. So we are fine, he doesn’t accommodate nonsense, has time with his kids alone and I enjoy my own company.

SandyY2K Tue 24-Mar-20 21:23:22

I need to forgo my hurt feelings and sit this out for my kids. But I am seething with resentment

Don't you think your kids may be affected by the current situation of her ruling the roost?

Don't her sudden change of plans impact on them too.

When you say resentment, who is the resentment towards? Because if you feel resentful towards her, she's not affected in the least.

When she does things times up your plans...I suggest you leave your OH to deal with it and try as much as you can to step away and do what you were going to do without him.

Dont be used as last minute childcare... get on with your life.

The more her change of plans primary impact on him alone...the higher the chance he might decide that enough is enough.

I asked him to pack his things and leave as I was not going to have another woman dictating what we do

Very smart. More women need to adopt this approach.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas Wed 25-Mar-20 07:39:09

And it is true that your partner is not blameless but if he had been the husband/partner of a controlling woman it would take a time to get out of the abuse loop where she shouts and he does everything to appease her, he may have been conditioned by years.

Finding the balance to shift that power away from her will require a lot understanding and strategy on your side. By strategy I mean choose your battles and how to play them, sulking because he has yet another time do as she pleases puts him on the “choose her or me” situation, which is not a reasonable one because she is the mother of his children and, if he cares about them, you are likely to lose.

user1493413286 Sat 28-Mar-20 11:33:10

This is one of my biggest difficulties of being a step parent; I always understood that my DSD would come first etc but I hadn’t appreciated how much her mums choices would impact on my life and that if she wants to cause trouble then she will. My DH has tried standing up to her and all that happens is we then don’t end up seeing DSD for a couple of weeks and it’s made into his fault and DSD is told lies about why we haven’t seen her. We’ve thought about court but that would aggravate his ex more and she’d find ways to get round it in the same way she manages to now.
The main way I manage it is that our plans go ahead no matter what his ex does; if DSD doesn’t come on a weekend where we have something planned we do it anyway with our DC, if we have something planned on a non DSD weekend then we don’t change it just because his ex has asked us to have DSD; we do try to be flexible and if there’s a good reason for a change then we’ll work around it or DHs parents will help but overall I won’t have my life dictated by his ex. I do feel that the person who loses out is DSD but I can’t please everyone and my DC need to be put first sometimes too.

Annaminna Fri 08-May-20 11:25:11

Dont believe her threat. She can not get any money if you are 50/50 parenting.(min 13 nights pcm)
If she is going to stop contact, then save all the messages/emails where she is refusing (stop answering her phone calls).
She will get a telling off in court and you don't have any reason to pay a penny.
Courts don't believe mums without evidence. She must have evidence that you don't want to have children.

funinthesun19 Fri 08-May-20 13:12:40

It is very hard OP. Having someone in the background ALLL the time and you never know when they’re going to kick up a fuss next.
My ex never stood up to his ex wife. He was a soft touch for an easy life. She was worse with me. I eventually had enough and told him to leave.

It’s not healthy and it’s so miserable. The only way to truly combat it if you stay together is for your partner to stand up for you all. Because if he doesn’t, then she will do it again and again and again. Tell him to tell her to go to the CMS. She loses her power that way.

Also, if your relationship is otherwise strong and happy, you have a higher chance of not letting her behaviour ruin it. Good luck!

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