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New and need some advice -slowly going insane!(5 Posts)
Hi ladies! (And gents)
A little bit of background. When I first met my DH he was on good terms with his ex. She was in a relationship and happy. He had a poorly paid job that meant he worked all weekends but could pick up his DD after school til her mum got home and would leave the house at 7am to take her to school. He would then do split shifts working til 10pm. Then after we met he got a job that meant he could have proper access with his DD but meant he didn't do all pick ups and drops offs which meant child care costs rose which she was not happy with. All was fine though and we stsrted having DD overnight more. Then she split wirh her partner. I because her confidant. She would call and text. I would go down and see her. She bought me birthday and Christmas gifts. Then we wanted contact to be more structured to 2-3 nights a week to make it a better split. The is is when it went bad. Because she was alone she didnt even want DD to stop out at all. We eventually managed to get to 2 nights but she turned horrendous. I have never seen a flip in a person so quickly and she then acted like she had not called me a friend. She didn't want me alone with DD unless I was doing school drop offs on a morning. And if I was doing them she wanted to meet me at the school so she could walk DD in? We ignored this and did dummy runs with DD and DH for a few and DD was more than happy to have me dropping her off so it was not mentioned again. I also have my own child so school runs are a doddle I am well practiced. When it came to after school club she kept forgetting to add me to the list so DH had to do this so I could get her (I now do not even get involved in this) i went from a friend to the enemy and it is something I still do not understand. I even continued to send really nice mothers day gifts from DD, baked cakes with DD and sent them home with her etc and DD says they both eat them. I even tried to speak to her via text over fathers day to see if I needed to arrange anything and she left me on read and ignored me so it is not like I have been horrid to her.
Now my issue is I sometimes have to drop DD off at her mums if DH is on an early shift on a saturday. My anxiety is through the roof as she has been told to leave me alone and not engage yet she insists on coming down the stairs and shouting hi to me. I know it sounds petty on my behalf but I hate fake people and it has gotten to the point I don't even go to the door I fake a reason for not going (really need a wee so need to run/my DD is in the car/I am in a massive hurry) so DD doesn't know her mum makes me feel ill. Even wehen we drop DD of together her mum insists standing at the window waving goodbye to us with DD even though she knows what she has done and I know it sounds petty but I avoid those drop offs as I cannot see her fake smile and wave after I see the texts she send and the hell we have been through. I know I cannot change the situation. If I refuse to do drop offs it impacts on DH and DD's time but does anyone have any techniques to just rise above it? I am not the sort of person to hold grudges but the way she treated me normally I would tell someone to do one and cut them out of my life but obviously I cannot do that with this situation!
I probably sound so pathetic but it is now really getting to me! I know I cannot say anything to her as it will possibly cause drama and I do not want that and my DH is really supportive but it can make his life harder and I also don't want her being a conversation everytime I need to go there.
Perhaps some 'grow up' perspective from an outsider might help as perhaps that is all I need! x
Thanks in advance x
It's probably not the kind of advice you were looking for but honestly I would just take a massive step back. You have internalised a lot of responsibility for this situation but the fact is it is your partner's to sort and it is entirely appropriate for you to stop being involved with his ex, especially given that she is causing you significant anxiety, even if it does inconvenience him when it comes to drop offs etc.
I am certainly trying to do that now. He gets his rota for 6 months in advance and going forward I will be trying to plot the days we can have her with me not needing to take her to her mums on a morning rather than what is better for him and DD. I never really thought about it not being my responsibility before! I even do pick ups for his DS for another mum but she is more than accommodating and flexible so it is such a different experience. I guess I just want to make sure everyone involved is happy but it is making me anxious and ill! Thank you x
Sounds like she has a lot of envy of you all lookkng like a family unit when she has split with her DP.
I agree with above post, why should it be just on you to suck the rude treatment up? If you are still sending messages or cakes to be honest I would stop, disengage from her. What age is the DD? If it helps, with my SC since the age of 8 or so, the dropping-off parent has just waited in the car and watched kids walk to the door and get in safely.
The ex here is also single and kicked off so much about me in the past that it's mega awkward now even when she is nice. Totally get why you feel stressed by it.
She is almost 8. We get on really well. I do a lot of crafts with her when she is here as she loves it all as do I. (my DD is almost 11 and has grown out of wanting to do lame stuff with me) SDD is very babied and is not good at independance. She is learning more about it at ours (I am a lazy mum so instill them looking after themselves) which is why I hover at the very end of the strip to her house and send her along but her mum still shouts to me from there (obviously not getting the hint) I know she cannot get lost so maybe I can keep myself further away behind the wall. We have to go around the back to get to her flat otherwise I would stop in the car!
She is now back with the ex she spent months crying over (he was abusive and manipulative from what she told me but then god knows what is true) so we were hoping she would chill out but she doesnt.
I have her completely blocked and deleted now so cannot engage with her (to save me fron sending anything I would regret) which she kicked off with DH that I had blocked her to which he informed her he knew and it was due to her ignoring me. I do not do anything now with presents. I still bake with and for DD and i wouldn't want her going without when she wants to take things back with her but there are no more gifts being sent.
I guess I don't get it as my ex is still my best mate and even attended our wedding and we are planning a disney world trip in 2 years with all three kids, us and my ex!
Thank you! x