Step daughter has no respect

[glo2020]

Hey,

First post.

My step daughter has been having some behaviour problems recently which we have been finding it difficult to deal with. She is very clingy to her dad and although has a very mature mind is very immature and babyish when it comes to bedtime or doing anything by herself. She needs my partner to be with her at all times and won't go upstairs by herself yet is very difficult and does not listen to him when he tells her off for not eating with a fork or when she refuses to go to bed. To top it off she sent me a nasty text when she was not with us with middle finger emojis as I feel she is directing the frustration towards me now her dad is beginning to be more strict. How do we deal with this as it is causing a strain on our relationship? She is 8 years old and we have her every other weekend and once in the week.

[sassbott]

8 years old and texting you a middle finger emoji? Are you kidding me? Words fail me.

It’s not your job to parent or discipline her. Let her parents do that.
If any of my children sent anyone an emoji like this, their device would be confiscated and it would be made clear that is was throughly unacceptable behaviour. And that a recurrence would result in a the device being removed for a month.

If the parents are not clamping down on this behaviour then block her from your phone and explain (to her) that unless you get an apology and she promises to never do that again, that she has no right to be able to be in direct contact with you.
I say the above as both a parent and a partner to a man who has children.

If she is caught doing this to school friends, it’s tantamount to bullying and unless she learns to understand the ramifications of such things, she will get into trouble at school.

[glo2020]

Thank you for your reply.

I have told my partner I expect an apology and that I do not want to see a device this weekend when we are due to have her as I do not feel she is responsible enough to be using one. I agree I am concerned if she can message me then what is she sending children her own age. He said he will deal with it but I don't know if he realises how serious this is and how hurt I am. I often have her when he is at work and feel I treat her like my own I do feel I am more strict than he is but that's just how I was brought up she does have a very good childhood and I would not want to see her turn into a brat due to lack of discipline.
The reason for the text was apparently it was a joke her mum said. I still think it's ridiculously inappropriate

[Honeyroar]

It is absolutely inappropriate. Not a joke at all. Did her mum think it was a joke that she sent that (I didn’t quite understand that)? Her parents really need to stamp on this behaviour before it goes further. If a child is sending rude texts their phone should be removed, at the very least until she’s apologised. In my opinion she’s clearly too immature to have a phone and she’d be told that when I took it off her (as her parent, not step parent). If her dad is not taking this completely seriously then I’d question whether you have a future- and I’d tell him you don’t want to be with someone that parents like that and allows her to grow up a spoiled thug. He’s doing her no favours!

[sassbott]

In situations like this, you have two choices.
Wait for the parents to enforce discipline (the mother is clearly not in that page so your DH is already on the back foot). It makes the situation a lot more challenging to handle.
Or you enforce your boundaries regarding interaction with you, as that is in your control and no one else’s.

This is not a joke, nor is it acceptable. By anyone’s standards.

If the parents fail to handle this adequately, by 8 she is old enough for you to have a direct, calm, kind but firm conversation with the child. Explaining how hurtful you found it and see what she says. If she is rebellious then again remain calm and kind but firmly state that until she genuinely apologises and understands why it is wrong that you will not allow any texts from her to come through on your phone. That you love her but until she can be respectful, she’s not allowed to communicate with you.

You don’t need to wait for the parents to handle this. You have every right to not receive rude messages from anyone, including a child.

[Teenangels]

Text message is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
The going upstairs and wanting one to one with her dad is fine, why she is probably wanting to spend time with him. The fork you and him just telll her in this house we use a fork etc.

[strawberrylipgloss]

The text message is outrageous.

Are there any other kids in the house? Getting Dad to come up and help with bedtime is a good way to divert attention from siblings 😈 but I'd let that one go as long as she's getting ready for bed without drama. Sometimes 8/9 year olds can be scared of being on a whole floor of the house alone. My older kids sometimes leg it up the stairs when they turn off the lights downstairs to go to bed and they are teenagers

The best thing to do is to leave al discipline to him when he's around

[HeckyPeck]

I often have her when he is at work and feel I treat her like my own I do feel I am more strict than he is but that's just how I was brought up she does have a very good childhood and I would not want to see her turn into a brat due to lack of discipline.

If he won’t step up and discipline her I’d seriously think about whether to continue having her on your own. Her behaviour is only going to get worse if he doesn’t do anything.

[BasilFaulty]

Nah fuck that for a game of soldiers. The mum knew what she was doing and allowed it and encouraged it?? And you're the one facilitating your DP' being able to go off to work by looking after her??

My DSD is 13 and can be very rude and difficult, but a lot of that is down to hormones etc. 8 years old she's getting it from her parents, because they're not stepping up and showing her the correct way to behave.

[champagneandfromage50]

Shocked that your DSD mum said it was a joke. I would expect an apology too. On a different note, why are you looking after her when your DP is at work? Usually contact time is for her to see her dad not spend time with his girlfriend. You may need to ensure when she is coming round that her dad is who she is seeing

[Flowerpower2020]

My partners daughter is also very babyish and clingy to her dad even though she acts very mature for other things and behaves the same why you described. Also her and her sibling swear like troopers! It’s awful and the parents allow it! I tell my partner I disapprove it as as they’re children they shouldn’t be swearing!

Nothing we can rly do! But it’s frustrating because it’s disrespectful but your partner really needs to tell her she cannot be doing that she should be apologising!